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With Apologies to my GrandmaThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Max Booth III | |
| Friday, 30 May 2008 | |
"What the **** is wrong with you, man?" "What are you talking about?" "Dude, why would you let those assholes in?" I asked my best friend. "Who? The Jehovah's Witnesses?" "Yeah the Jehovah's Witnesses!" "What's wrong with them?" "Dude, don't you have any common sense? Those guys are just a boring ass cult that takes your money." Man, it was like talking to a one year old. "They're Christians?" "No man, worse than Christians!" Steve wiped the sweat from his eyes. I could tell he had no idea about them. "Oh man, thanks, Hank. I didn't know." "It's okay, just be lucky that I was here before they made it all the way inside." I had come out of the bathroom and saw them stepping through the door. I immediately pushed them out and slammed the door. You never want a Witness in your house. They spread like cockroaches. If only there was some kind of vaporization spray or something. Only then maybe would this be a better world. "So, you wanna play a game a Madden or something?" Steve asked me. "So, man. I gotta get home to Shelly." "Alright, see ya around." *********
I drove my car to my girlfriend's house. We had been going together for a couple months now and I was saving up for a wedding ring so I could propose to her. Man, she would love that. Me getting on my knee and the whole shebang. She would think it would be so romantic. I was almost to the door when my cell phone started ringing like crazy. I fumbled trying to get it out of my pocket and I nearly dropped it to the cement ground. "What?" I answered, harshly. In all truth I didn't even check of who it was that was calling. It could have been my mother for all I knew. "Dude, I need your help!" Steve's voice shouted on the other line. "Steve, what's wrong?" "The goddamn Witnesses, man! They broke down my door and are shoving pamphlets in my face. They're moaning like gawddamn zombies, man! Help!" "I'm on my way, buddy! Get away while you can! Hide!" I shoved the cell phone back in my jean pocket and dashed to my car. Shelly would have to wait. I sped at an idiotic rate back to Steve's house and noticed that his front door really was kicked open off of the hinges. Oh man, this was worst than I thought. I hurried in his house and found him slumped on his sofa with his head down. It looked like he was crying. I sat down next to him and asked if they were gone. Steve nodded. "Dude, are you okay? It'll be alright, man. I promise." He looked at me and asked if he could ask me a question. "Sure, dude. Anything." "Are you prepared for Jehovah's return?" "Dude, that is a sick joke. Don't even mess around with that ****." "I'm not messing around, Hank. This is serious business we have here." The Witness from earlier came out of the bathroom with a handful of pamphlets. "Hello, Hank," she said. "Are you ready to be a brand new man?" Oh my God, they had gotten to him. Damn, those people were fast. They had warped his fragile little mind. Steve would never be the same Steve again. "Noooo!" I screamed, and ran outside, jumped in my car, and drove back to my girlfriend's. I knocked rapidly on her front door until Shelly answered. "What's wrong, Hank?" she asked, worried. "It's a long story, babe. I just need to sit down for a minute, okay?" "Yeah, okay. Come in and sit down." I fell to the couch and Shelly went into the kitchen to get me a cold beer. I couldn't believe it. My best friend since kindergarten was a Jehovah's Witness. I thought I knew him, too. Well, there was only one simple answer to this. I would have to kidnap Steve and cut his brain open. Maybe then I could change the thought of being a Witness. Then he would change! Yeah, I would do that. It was the only reasonable choice for me. Shelly came back and handed me an open can of beer. Without putting much thought into it I took a deep sip of it. "Thanks, babe." "No problem, honey. I have something else for you." "You do?" "Yeah, here you go." She handed me a small black box. A box that usually holds an engagement ring. Oh man, she was proposing, wasn't she? I was the one who was suppose to do that! Now I seemed like some sort of wimp. "Oh, babe, you shouldn't have." "But I wanted to! Go ahead and open it." "Okay ..." I popped open the black box and was astonished to find not a ring inside but a folded up Watchtower pamphlet. Oh no, they had gotten to her, too! The Witnesses were everywhere and they were spreading by the second. Like some sort of dangerous, annoying plague. Like goddamn zombies! This couldn't be happening to me. It had to be a dream. A really bad nightmare. "Are you prepared for Jehovah's return, honey?" "Wh--what?" "Drink up, honey. I put something extra special in there for you." Before another thought could process in my brain my pupils rolled in the back of my head and I passed out. Goddamn Mickey's. *********
I woke up sitting in leather chair, my head resting on a long wooden table. There were other Witnesses sitting all around me. A man in a suit was walking on top of the table, talking about the return of Jehovah. It was pretty boring so I wont tell you all the details about what he said. Although toward the end he was talking about a sacrifice for God and before I knew it he was holding a white bunny up in the air. He then took a knife and slit it's throat. For some reason I didn't object. I was brainwashed into their insane beliefs. Say, I have a question for you. Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? Copyright 2008 Max Booth III |
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 08 October 2008 ) |
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