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Improbable Improv. Take #This story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Jason Haugh | |
| Thursday, 29 May 2008 | |
There were no clean socks available I noticed scanning the floor while the clock screamed out urgently pushing me to hurry out the door. The option to go out sock-less was really no option at all what with the temperature being below 10 degrees and the snow smacking around the neighborhood by a pumped up wind that lifted weights and ate steroids. What was I going to do? I couldn't rip up yet ANOTHER shirt and stuff it into my shoes. I was running out of clothes.
With the clock ticking and the anxiety rising to a dangerous level I quickly examined my options. I needed something warm, soft, and absorbent. Grabbing my hair in frustration I yanked out a small chunk that temporarily blurred my vision and flashed sharp colors around the room. That was it! Grabbing my clippers in the bathroom I went to work on my scalp butchering my hairstyle for the greater good. Ramming the device savagely into my head I acquired minor scrapes and bruises along with a deeper cut that bled onto the clumps of discarded hair I had collected in an old beer case.
My skull was now bare save for a few patches left behind for sloppiness sake. Running back to my room I grabbed my stocking hat and shoved the bloody hair into my shoes. Slipping my feet in I closed my eyes reveling in the soft material that was once connected to my body. That was before the clock slammed itself into the back of my head pitching me forward down the hall and out the door. Clamping my teeth down I trudged through the bitter cold as snow flakes were driven into my face like drunken truck drivers. Finally entering the safety of my car I jammed the keys into the ignition releasing a cloud of carbon dioxide and recklessly sped out my driveway and onto the slippery streets. Going a speed only fools would travel I shot through the streets dodging parked cars and hitting a snowman that was constructed in the middle of the road. "You bastard kids!" I screamed into the night air never slowing down as my wipers did away with the grinning face that was smeared all over my windshield. The carrot nose slid down my driver side wiper temporarily disabling it. This was of no concern as my goal was in sight as I sped towards the building at illegal speeds. Jerking the wheel I crudely entered the parking lot coming to a sudden stop at the center of four stalls.
Leaping out the door I slipped on the ground slamming my head into the cold concrete giving birth to small razor blades that were beginning to tunnel through my brain. "FUUUUUUCK!!" I yelled taking small pleasure at the echoes left to travel the streets offending anyone strange enough to be outside at that particular moment in time. Getting up I sprint to the doors already forgetting about the spill I had just taken. Rushing into the exquisite warmth that hugged me like a loving parent I never had I hastily walked to my destination. Opening the cooler and grabbing a twelve pack of Milwaukee's Beast I power walk to the register noting the time. 12:50.
With still ten minutes to spare I exhale a sigh of relief placing my purchase on the counter and brandishing my I.D. The teller, an old wrinkled woman with stern features, examined my license along with my face. The look she gave me was one of suspicion as we silently made eye contact while I shifted around uncomfortably. "Could you take your hat off?" She demanded with a question. "Sure," I said adhering to her request. Her eyes widened as she took in my savage scalp. "What the hell did you do to your hair?" She asked in disgust crunching her eyebrows. "I needed socks," I said nervously looking around the store. "You what?" This woman was starting to frighten me. What was with this invasive questioning? "You're bleeding," she said coming around the counter. "Yeah I fell in the parking lot," I said nervously backing up from her approaching frame. She continued to assault my aching head with her penetrating eyes until she slowly lowered them to my feet. The store was horribly quite as she took in my inventive handiwork. Shaking her head in disapproval she looked at me again with those terrible eyes that were beginning to resemble a scanners. They can make people's heads explode. I knew that. I had seen the movie. Being aware of this I flinched at her gaze and turned my head away. "What the **** is wrong with you?" She spat out. "Look," I said impatiently, "I just want some beer. You've seen my I.D., you've needlessly questioned me, you've insulted me and oh by the way how dare you, and now I'd appreciate it if you would just take my money so I can leave. This relationship has gotten weird and I want out." Placing my hand on her shoulder that flinched at my touch I said, "I'm sorry but I want a divorce. It's not me it's you."
Not a word was said as she slowly retreated behind the counter and awkwardly accepted my money dropping the change into my hand, making sure not to touch me. Grabbing the beast by the back of its neck I walked to the doors stopping suddenly at the entrance. Turning around to the weathered face watching me I somberly said, "I loved you. You know that right?" Then bringing my voice down to a whisper I said, "don't forget me." With that I took my leave noticing the trail of blood and hair that lead me to my car. Starting up the engine and driving off I assessed the night.
"Let's see," I thought. "I had crudely shaved my head, stuffed the hair into my shoes, did a hit and run on a snowman, cracked my head open on jagged concrete, and frightened an old bitter woman. All for the sake of acquiring cheap beer. Smiling victoriously I came to the simple conclusion that could not be refuted. I, was awesome.The End. Copyright 2008 Jason Haugh |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 30 May 2008 ) |
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