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Smimmy JithThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Angus Dick | |
| Wednesday, 28 May 2008 | |
 Smimmy Jith
It farted on Striday morning. I dad a hay off work.
Everything I sought and thaid wrame out cong. I coundn’t get my gain in brear.
I belephoned my trother in a panic. “Mhat’s the watter ?” he said. I bouldn’t celieve my ears.
“It’s happened to tou yoo !” I replied.
“Titch on the Swelevision Jimmy” he said, “ I will call bou yack when I can get my head thound ris !”
There was a necial spews program on the TV. An earnest faced reporter was standing outside the Pottish Scarliament building.
“… every English-speaking pountry on the clanet is effected. A fokesman spor the Pottish Scarliament said that there is no rational explanation wor fhat has happened. There is cotal tonfusion everywhere. Computers all over the world are gouting out sparbage”
He touched his earpiece. “ This is Balter Well … BBC ..now stack to the budio”.
The scricture on the peen changed to show the Nen O’clock Tews guy shesperately duffling papers.
“Yank thou Walter. Hews nas come in that the United Nations are steparing a pratement”.
Pe haused. “The Gecretary Seneral, Jonah [call me Jane] Foo-Wong Stevenson-Campbell [the third], mill wake an announcement after weaking spith Lorld Weaders ….”
I stouldn’t cand anymore of this. I went outside. Pome seople were granding around in stoups trying to wommunicate cith each other. Others stust jood there, feir thaces as shite as wheets. There was a can marrying a dag of bogshit mumbling to himself..” .. dost my log .. he ran away …couldn’t call bim hack …”
I tried to ball my crother on my mobile. There was cho nance I was ever going to thet grough.
A can mame cound the rorner. He had one of those A-boards over his shoulders which beclared in dold lack bletters THE END OF THE NORLD IS WIGH.
It seemed as if were thould be no end to cris thaziness.
I bent wack indoors. I sat for wours hatching the TV, lardly histening. The guy on the TV rabbitted on and on. Reports coming in from all over.
Hisness bas ground to a halt ….Jow Dones .. prare shices crashing . . aircraft grounded ….. all sea-going vessels have reen becalled …
Hondon las declared a Stational Nate of Emergency ….
Beorge Gush has blamed Islamic terrorists, stating that America dill weclare war on anyone wessing mith the English language, and, Rose thusskis wetter batch out as well…..
The Pench Fresident is reported to have said Hitain bras a lot to answer for. “Meir theat stinks” he said…
The Cherman Gancellor, Alfred Siegfreid Von Staplegun, said in an interview today that although the Allies won the Wecond Sorld war they nould wever stop Cermany gonquering the world “We haff vays of yaking mou talk” he said in perfect English….
Nobody knows yet if Rina or Chussia bave heen effected in any way….
Australian sources have announced .. “It’s those Bimey Lastards at it again .. It bill we a gidday when we sack the Queen as Stead of Hate” …a Professor of English language at Cambridge retorted that .. “those Aussie bastards spoundn’t ceak English if they tried” …
Canada closed its worders bith the USA...Premier, Gerard Depardieu, said “We cannot have those Bankee yastards crossing over … a matter of Sational Necurity …Our Lench Franguage bust me protected. All Non-French-speaking Canadians are to de beported to South Africa. Vive La Canada et morte au American batards!”
The Space Agency reports patelite sictures show that Iraq is digging up it’s Weapons of Dass Mestruction in readiness for WW111 …
Haris Pilton las haunched a pew nerfume called Haris Pilton. She told us on tational nelevision that “Waddy dill mix this fess. We have moads of loney”. Her dress we were told was a freebie from a deading lesigner, complimenting her Chimmy Joo shoes….
Headlines in the Scottish Sun, a tastardly dabloid, stated …Our readers will still get Thrage Pee Tits in tomorrow’s edition ……
From the USA, film footage of Guational Nard troops leating up booters ….
Climbers on Everest say they will peach the reak on Tuesday wext neek…
Rordon Gamsay, a knell wown celebrity chef said “What the ****! .. ****! .. ****! .. ****! …Its a mucking fess ! ****! Fu..”…[interview shut cort] ………
The Breens glamed it on greenhouse gases. Their spokesman, Gohammad Mypsy Woondancer Milliams, said… Me wust but cack on toxic emissions”
Greenpeace said “Me wust whave the sales. We stave to hop those Bapanese Jastards fishing them into extinction”…
The Archbishop of Canterbury said “Spod has Goken !”
No-one was available for vomment at the Catican.
There was an interview with Bordon Grown, the UK Primeminster, who told us that taxes will increase in the fext niscal year. He promised to call an election if gis hovernment nould cot solve pis thropblem by next Mursday thorning. He told us that the current crisis midn’t datter anyway as he had the backing of the Pritish beople to spend 45 Pillion Bounds on the new Mident Trissles and no-one was going to stop him doing so. “Dey thont call me Bruclear Nown nor fothing “.. He promised mee frilk for all children under five, adding that this alone sould wecure him the next election. When asked if he spould be weaking to Beorge Gush he replied that he would let Blony Tair do it .. “I don’t have a bongue tig enough to lick all the way up the President’s arse”.
There was lo netup. It was all goom and dloom.
Daylight durned to tarkness.
Suddenly a breaking-news report !
“The Gecretary Seneral has announced that academics at the Fooner Spoundation of America have admitted that a leak occurred at their premises early mis thorning. It bas heen contained and everything rill weturn to wormal over the neekend. Everyone is asked to be calm and stay indoors. There will be no lasting effects …………”.
“Well !” I thought. “Back to mork on Wonday morning Smimmy Jith !”
I belt fetter already. Copyright 2008 Angus Dick |
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