Ken Masters News

A Special Report Brought to you by Ken...

Her Magic Touch, Chapter 1

She's not very attractive. No, that isn't quite...

Chicken Feathers part 1


This story may contain adult content.
User Rating: / 1
PoorBest 
Written by Amie Kerlin   
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Image

Chickens. The damn things were everywhere. This was just one more thing that's pissed off Detective Grayne today. Flicking his half smoked cigarette onto the ground and waving his hand through the chicken feathers floating around his head, he sighed and started into the barn with the other officers. What he saw in there was an image that would linger in his head forever. There were three of them. Three bodies in the barn without heads, hands, or feet posed as though they were just lounging on the haystacks. It might not have affected him like this if it weren't for the mannequin heads in place of their human counterparts. The faces of the heads had been painted like clown faces and it was extremely eerie. The chicken feathers had started to waft their way into the barn now and some were getting stuck to the bodies where their extremities once were.

"Get those chickens penned somewhere else damn it! Their feathers are getting on the bodies." He watched as one of the uniforms glanced his way peculiarly before he started out of the barn to do what Grayne had just demanded. He noticed the look the uniformed officer gave him and he sighed again this time shaking his head too. He was going to have to address the rumors soon. Otherwise there was going to be more damage done to his already damaged reputation. "Ok, is someone going to fill me in on what we've got or should I just start guessing here?"

*****

 

Six months earlier Keith Grayne had a mortgage, a wife, and a baby on the way. Now he only had the mortgage. Ariella and he had married the year previous and they decided to make their home out in the country instead of in the city. Sure it meant a commute for Keith, but what Ariella wanted he tried as hard as he could to get it done for her. Life was good then. Funny how it could all fall apart in six short months. Funny how they could have possibly blamed him for the accident.

He was at the station when the captain walked to his desk with word that his pregnant wife was dead. They told him that she had been found by the neighbor girl who came three times a week to help Ariella with the housework since she was getting a little slower now that she had hit her third trimester. Apparently Meggie Bowman walked in the front door using the spare key Ariella had insisted she have, and walked right into a scene that kept her in shock for a good nine days afterward. She had made the 911 call, but didn't say a word to the operator. When Keith was finally allowed to hear the call, all he heard was small whimpering, mewing sounds coming from Meggie in response to the operator. Nothing else. No screams or pleading words from Ariella-- or cries from the baby. Just the silence in the background. Keith had left at 5:30 in the morning that day hoping to be able to get his paperwork done and be back home by dinnertime. Instead he was sitting in his captains office at noon listening to the details of what happened and answering questions about what time he had left that morning and how his marriage to Ariella had been.

At first he couldn't believe it had happened to her. He still could not believe what happened to her. Even now as he was sitting in his small rented apartment in the city drinking vodka tonic at four a.m. and looking through his wedding photo albums, he could not believe that someone had come in his home, brutally raped his beautiful Ariella while she was almost six months pregnant, then stabbed her in the belly killing their unborn child as well. Who could do that? At the recollection of what was done, he bounded from the living room and almost didn't make it to vomit in the kitchen sink. He then sank down to the floor in front of the sink and finally, mercifully, sleep took over and he didn't have to think about her being dead.. At least until he woke in the morning.

To be continued......



Copyright 2008 Amie Kerlin
Keyword: chickens murder
No Comments posted
Comments (6)
Posted by philneale1952
2008-05-29 12:19:36
Chicken Feathers

Very Se7en. Can almost hear Morgan Freeman narrating it. Good start, but watch out for repetition of the same word too mnay time in the same sentence or paragraph.

I used to do the same until my wife picked it up. try reading it out loud and you'll spot them. There weren't that many so don't worry.

Another thing to watch for on this site, and it took me a while to suss it out, is when you're copying and pasting from Word.

Your writing in the software may be paragraphed correctly, but it comes out truncated in the web article and you have to go back in to check it out and then re-edit the piece.

Tell me to mind my own business if you wish, I won't mind.....

Phil
+ Report this comment

Posted by Something Indecent
2008-05-29 14:39:40
....

Another thing you might want to do is write some of the action in present form. Have him talk to the chief and find out about his wife rather than telling us about it. I agree with Phil, be carefull not to use the same word twice in a senence. I liked the concept of the story and where it might go you just need to clean it up a little. Looking forward to reading the next chapter.
+ Report this comment
Posted by lemon
2008-05-29 14:49:45
....

by all means give me suggestions and correction! lol I thank you for them. This is the first time I've written anything like this where so much is going on at once and I want it to make sense.
+ Report this comment
Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-05-29 15:37:02
....

i really had no problem at all keeping up with this. everything made sense to me. but wow, so incredibly sad. to have your wife raped and then stabbed. you can't possibly keep your sanity after something that traumatizing. but i'm very eager to read the next chapter.
+ Report this comment
Posted by DarcKnyt
2008-09-16 12:59:27
....

There seemed to be problems with the time frames involved with this piece. In one section, you say the wife hit the third trimester of pregnancy ... months seven, eight and nine. In describing the detective's shock, you said she was almost six months along. Also, you said the 9-1-1 recording only captured the baby-sitter's whimpers, but you said no cries from the baby. The baby was in utero, and CAN'T cry yet.

I agree with a previous commentor that this is very much like the movie "Se7en" but that's not a bad thing.

It's an intriguing set-up. I'm not clear based on what you've written on how long you want this to go, but if this is a long piece, then this opening might be considered an information dump, so be careful with that.

Keep up the good work! :)
+ Report this comment

Posted by lemon
2008-09-16 13:14:18
....

Thanks for pointing those out DarcKnyt. I kind of gave up on this story though, I hit a wall and lost interest.

maybe now i should give it a second look, fix those errors and see if anything more comes to me.

=]
+ Report this comment

 
< Prev   Next >

Remove Ads