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Evanescent Truths |
| Written by Madelen | |
| Friday, 23 May 2008 | |
I hate change!
All my things are in two big boxes in the corner, my clothes in garbage bags, my bed, pulled apart, and my mind racing through too many thoughts way too fast.
I'm dreading the moment Dad walks in the door, takes off his jacket and enters my room to tell me we're leaving.
I take a few moments to embrace the time I have until I must confront other humans face to face. Sitting on top of a pile of pillows and blankets I grab the only book not yet packed; "Pride and Prejudice". Even though I've read it a million times it's still my favourite. I turn to any page and start to read.
Breathe in breathe out. Must we move? Why is it we suddenly have to go? Father said he needed a change, in his old age. I think there's another reason why we're fleeing so abruptly from the town we've lived in forever they're not telling me about, and they're both sticking to it, hard. Maybe I won't understand. Maybe they're right. Still I want nothing big from life. I'm fine for nothing to ever change.
"Hey, hun. Are you ready? We're leaving in about ten minutes." My mother had interrupted my efforts to forget.
"I still don't see why we have to go. It's fine here. Mum, can you tell me the real reason we're leaving?" I asked. I already know what she'll say. What she says every time I ask.
"Honey, your father and are getting older. We've been here our whole lives. We need to get away and try new things, and so do you. I know you don't like change but it'll be an adventure." She was a brilliant liar, but I could see right through her mask she tries so hard to super-glue to her face.
"Yeah, I'll be ready in a few minutes."
She walked out and shut the door. I picked up Sara and started stroking her thin, silky, black fur. She began to purr. When I mentioned running away she sneezed. She always knew the right thing to do when I didn't. So we ruled out running away.
I picked her up and walked to the car to wait for dad to get home. Mum would bring down my things.
How many green beer bottled do you think it would take to kill someone? I think it would take around 42, hard ones.
I was once in love with a boy. His name was well let's just call him, Chuck. He would say the funniest things and other times he would come out with the most heartfelt, deep thoughts that could really take your breath away. He was my best friend. He was my only one true love. He felt the same way but he was killed by his mother 3 months ago.
Since that I have had a new view on life: "Everyone will get screwed over by the person you love sooner or later."
"Ahhhh!" My mother's scream filled up the air from the kitchen. At first I thought she must have dropped a box, or forgotten to pack something, but when I went to see what was wrong she was out cold on the floor, blood pouring from a gash in her head. The phone was laying on the floor with a tiny screaming coming from the other end.
I picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hello! Rose is that you?" said the quite distressed voice.
"Who's this?" I asked frazzled by all this.
"It's Andy. I'm a friend of your dad's. I have some bad news, Rose."
He went on to say words that I had only heard once before, 3 months ago. It wasn't more than two seconds later that I joined my mother on the floor.
*
"How long now mum?" I asked, rubbing my leg to get blood flowing again. We'd already been driving for 18 hours, and I wanted to get out.
"I think we're only about 10 minutes away now." She didn't smile anymore. She just carried an uncomfortable, dead look around.
I turned to stare out the window at the passing scenery. Slowly it began to change from nothingness to a small town. The houses were all very old and run down. There were only a few shops I saw as we drove through Main Street. When we turned off into a little street I sat up, anxious to get out and explore our new house.
We stopped outside of a small, bare house covered in vines. The yard was overcome by weeds and the gate was rusty. Inside was not quite as bad as the outer shell, but it was still pretty bad. But in a weird way, I liked it. I felt like I knew this house front to back already. I went up the creaky, tight staircase and turned into, what I gathered must be my room. I liked it.
I decided to check out the town. Mum stayed at home, and probably cried. Me, well, I cried the first few weeks but I don't miss him. He never really left. He's in my dreams every night and he will never leave my heart, so why waste your life with tears?
*
They have a library! My favourite places in the world are libraries. A good read always help me come to terms with life. I love to escape, and let all my thoughts fill me up.
The building was absolutely magnificent! It was old and almost ready to completely fall apart, but it had such character. It looked at me with such wisdom and knowledge, as if the walls carried every word written in all the books it holds. The doors were dark wood with faded brass flowing patterns covering. I reached out to turn the knob and heard the slow creak noise come from the belly of the wise building. I walked in and tried to avoid eye contact with anyone else, strangely I didn't see anyone so I just strolled to any shelf, picked a book and began to read. I don't mind what I'm reading; it's just about that zone it puts me into. Almost a dream state.
"Hello, Miss. I haven't seen you around before." I almost died of fright when a tall young man approached me.
"Hello. I'm Rose. I just moved here about an hour ago." I hate speaking to people. I get so nervous.
"I'm Nicholas, I run this here library. You're the first person to actually come in, in, well... I can't remember how long." He was kind of cute when he rolled his eyes to the ceiling for a moment to think.
"Aren't there many people around here?"
"Just the families that have been here most of their lives. It is very rare for new people to move here, but it's really nice to see a nice new face, especially one as beautiful as yours." Usually I would have slapped him, or spat on him and walked away, but something pushed me to take the opportunity.
"Thank you. I think I'll get going now. I just wanted to scope out the town and now I should probably be getting home before dark."
"If you like I could walk you home. I was just about to close-up anyway." He was so kind, and I wasn't really sure if I would know how to get back. It's probably a good idea to have a little help.
"Yeah, that would be really nice."
He picked up his coat and slipped mine on me, and we set off. I'm not really sure what went on after I set foot out of the library. I might have talked casually with him, or maybe we walked silently. I truthfully was not there; my mind was in other places, of which I'm not entirely sure.
When we reached my doorstep I seemed to come back to earth, just as I was turning and I bashed my head right into Nicholas' awkwardly. I was so embarrassed I ran inside and hid in my room. That's what I would have done if he hadn't had his arms around me. Then he pulled me in and kissed me, passionately.
*
I was in love. I know it sounds stupid I've only known him for half an hour, but something is definitely different. It was almost as if he had cast a spell on me, but I didn't care. I was thinking about him all night.
The days started to melt together. Every day that I didn't see him seemed like a waste of life. Days could have passed, possibly weeks, maybe months, I can't be sure. Even so, he was like an addiction and without him I was shaking in the corner, with him I was alive and powerful, not myself.
Mother called me to come and sit with her. She was having a "lonely day", as we called the days that it really affected her. She had alright days, bad days and "lonely days". These were the worst. I went down the stairs, one by one to sit with my now very pale mother.
I raised my hand to touch Emelie's light skin. I had never realised how cold my Mother's skin was. It was death cold. Had it always been this cold?
"Mum, you're freezing. Have you caught a cold?" I asked now quite worried. She slowly turned her head to face me. I got an awful chill run through my spine and finish at my toes.
"I am fine my child, why ever do you ask?"
"You're so... cold."
"Hmm... I suppose I am. Come dear, and read to me, for I love it when you do. It almost feels as if Charles never left when you read, just as he used to. You have his voice you know; calm and nurturing. You ought to consider yourself lucky for inheriting so much from him; he was such a fine man. It really is a tragedy he was taken from us."
"I miss dad too. I'll read to you from his journal if you like."
I pulled out father's journal from the shelf and opened to the page that was marked and began reading aloud to my Mother. She nodded her head in agreement and occasionally shook her head at the things she didn't approve of, but not once did she giggle and pat me on the back as she normally does. She doesn't seem herself.
Thinking back, what has she done lately? Why the sudden change? It must just be a hard day, but she never seems to get this bad until right before she goes to bed. It's a pretty hard thing to deal with, it hurts the most when I forget just for a second and then it comes back to me and it's so bad I can't breathe for a few seconds. Then I wake from it and all I feel is emptiness. Why do people die?
Then my Mother fell to the floor.
"MUM" I screamed. What is going on? She was just sitting here beside me and now she's on the floor, breathless. I was instantly beside her, hands on chest. What do I do? Uh... A heartbeat. Feel for a heartbeat. Here. No, where is it?
"Mum, you can't die now! Mum!" Pounding on her chest I screamed at the top of my lungs. I knew something was wrong and now she's dead.
I ran to the kitchen to call for an ambulance. I dialled the three numbers everyone wishes they would never need to dial.
"Hello. My mother needs an ambulance. She collapsed, I can't find a heartbeat and I don't think she's breathing." The voice on the other end muttered something but I was too panicked to pick out any single word. "Just please come. I'm at...." The phone went dead.
I grabbed the phone, wiped the clumping, mascara tears from my eyes and ran into the kitchen to check on Mother. She was still out, with no pulse or breathe. I tried the phone again. Still dead. What's going on?
I had had a dream every night since my father died. My father was in his evening chair, in the library; reading the paper, or sometimes a book, occasionally pushing his glasses up closer to his eyes. I would hesitate at the archway. I got a shiver passing under the archway as my father gestured for me to come and sit on his lap. I was still a little girl in the dream, probably ten or eleven. I would approach to sit down with my father.
There was a man with long hair, for a man these days, and a scar across the left side of his face. It looked like it was made during a very bad fight involving a knife. The man didn't seem particularly scary to me, though he would appear that way to most. It was it was like he could see in my head, like there was a telephone line linking us together. I think he could hear my thoughts, but I was never sure.
He would always reach my father before I and he would lean down, as if to whisper something into his ear. After a short time he would raise his head and look back at me. Then he was gone. I would see my father but I couldn't see his face. Then I would wake up in a pool of sweat, sometimes with a scream. I'm used to it now.
I fell to the floor and waited for that man to come save me in my time of need...
He never came.
The ambulance came. They took my mother away in a black bag. They said they have no idea how she died. There was no sign of anything that could have caused her death.
I walked to Nicholas' house slower than the slowest turtle could have walked. I eventually got there and I told him what had happened. While telling the story I didn't cry. I was too shocked and confused to even remember how to.
He didn't say a word he just held me. Then he shook me, hard. He kept shaking me. I went crazy trying to break free from his grasp but it felt like he was four people. He shook me more and more. I was screaming and yelling trying to escape. Then I felt something jab me in the leg and I was calm. I fell into a deep and dark sleep. The last thing I saw before I slipped out of consciousness was the white padded walls and the four nurses, fastening my arms to the bed.
Copyright 2008 Madelen |
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