Ken Masters News

A Special Report Brought to you by Ken...

Her Magic Touch, Chapter 2

Luckily the bus stop is near where she lives and is...

Coma Twins Ch1 (revised)


This story may contain adult content.
User Rating: / 4
PoorBest 
Written by JD Kelly   
Thursday, 22 May 2008

              Coma twins

                                                     CH1 (revised) 

 

    The female form infatuated my brother. For him, there were no mothers or daughters, no girlfriends or wives. He drew no distinctions between virgins and whores, nor did he see any of them as being rich or poor.He just saw women, skinny and fat, some short and some tall. There were dark skinned women next to those void of pigmentation, and all others falling in between. They had long hair and short hair; some straight and blonde others black and curly. Some of them adorned themselves with jewelry. Thin gold necklaces and or gaudy diamond rings that looked more like something that should be in a museum rather then on someone's finger.

   He would often close his eyes to inhale the smells that emanated from their bodies.There were hundreds of different fragrances, Perfumes that smelled like flowers, lotions like vanilla and lavender. There were women whose essence was intoxicating while others had an odor, sour from sweat or bitter from the day’s cigarettes. 

  Some of them jogged in spandex and headbands while others were drug about by heavy, slobbering dogs. There were women who walked in pairs discussing inaudible subjects while others listened to headphones, deaf to the world around them.     

  My brother always sat on the same bench just past Morgan’s square in the city park. I know this because I was one of those women with headphones passing by.  I often considered saying hello, but I don’t, I pass and acknowledge him with a quick wave. He never waves back, just stairs through me as if I don’t exist. I have often thought about just flopping down beside him and starting a conversation. But it is never that easy with my brother. It can never be a few simple words and then good by, not to mention the restraining order I had placed on him is still in affect. But after all he is still my brother and I love him still, even after all he has done... to be continued

 




Copyright 2008 JD Kelly
No Comments posted
Comments (7)
Posted by Juda
2008-05-22 15:17:15
Revised

Hey I revised this a little taking Cells advice from earlier comments. Wonder if it is a little more structured.
+ Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-05-22 15:51:53
...

hmm it is indeed different.
+ Report this comment
Posted by CELL
2008-05-22 16:00:48
....

You integrated all of these neat descriptions, so ya that does make this 'fuller.' You should have kept some of the old stuff though, it made it more morbid, but I mean just continue on to the next chapter. I've got the concept you're going for here, so now expand.

Good job. Oh and some of your words are glued onto others (likethis); I would fix that.
+ Report this comment

Posted by Juda
2008-05-22 16:51:11
Thanks

Thanks for the insight cell. i will and i will
+ Report this comment
Posted by lemon
2008-05-24 18:10:45
....

I liked it. I never read the other version, but this one at least made me curious about whats going on and makes me want to read more. On to chapter two!
+ Report this comment
Posted by darkwriter
2008-05-27 14:49:37
Coma Twins ch 1

Juda,

Excellent job! It flowed very well, and the brother sounds super creepy! You string words together well. Lookin' forward to reading the next chapter.
+ Report this comment

Posted by Dirkin
2008-06-02 18:45:15
....

This is a good opening, in that it has me wanting to go to the next chapter. There are conflicting messages from the narrator, that she wants to sit next to her brother who is sitting on a bench watching her, despite there being a restraining order. People are complex
+ Report this comment
Last Updated ( Thursday, 22 May 2008 )
 
< Prev   Next >

Remove Ads