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X-MerThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Jason Haugh | |
| Tuesday, 20 May 2008 | |
A Special Report Brought to you by Kirk Masters
There's been an unsettling string of crimes occurring lately that has attracted the attention of the police and this reporter. Throughout the city groups of unbalanced individuals have been committing the atrocious act of spreading inappropriate graffiti throughout our city.....with Christmas themes. Lights with small battery packs are being wrapped around automobiles, fire hydrants, small pets, and yes even small children in what the media has dubbed as X-Mer. A completely unacceptable display of holiday spirit with no regard for the current season. Ted Poulm was victimized just this last week when he came out of his house on an honest day looking to go to work to provide for his blue collar family. What he found when he opened the door was a violation of his civil liberties and basic human rights. Ted was visually assaulted by a barrage of sharp penetrating colors cascaded throughout his yard, three small porcelain lawn elves eerily surrounding the front door, and a rubber Santa that popped down from the door frame smacking Mr. Poulm directly in the face. The Santa forced Ted to back up into his own home stumbling on his rug and fracturing his wrist.
Situations like this have been popping up everywhere in the last couple of months. Private property has been defaced with the likes of bright cheery lights, green frizzy wreathes, mistle toes purposely positioned inappropriately (there was an incident at an all boys catholic school), and pictures spray painted on countless buildings of Santa Clause posing like a hip hop singer. These pictures range from Santa giving the peace sign to gratuitously handling his crotch. When asked what they are doing about this problem police chief Max Harlem stated, "We're looking for any possible leads that could lead us to these delinquents. And once we find them with these leads they will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. We will not tolerate Christmas vandalism in the month of June. We just will not!"
One suspect was dispatched by the police two nights ago when they found him fleeing the scene wrapped up in lights. The police opened fire and brought down the unauthorized decorator who was not armed but still considered dangerous. This reporter infiltrated a small sect of the group to try and figure out why anybody would risk their lives to celebrate a commercial and hallow holiday. "We're trying to send a message out to the masses," one individual is quoted as saying. Though, after hours of incessant questioning on my part and constant drug abuse on theirs it was apparent that there really was no message at all. None. So there you have it citizens. Through professional journalism I have uncovered the reason why our city is being terrorized by jolly St. Nick and his suburban lackeys in almost every form imaginable........and that reason is drugs. So parents, watch your little Johnny's and Sally's very carefully. Search their clothes, closets, dressers, cars, and yes if it comes down to it perform a rectal examination. Because you never know. Your own child could be sparking up a giant doobie, getting high on illegal narcotics, and decorating your city with ludicrous ornaments.
I wrote this a year ago and found it today. I thought to myself, Hey what's this? And that this is what this is. Okay? Copyright 2008 Jason Haugh |
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 21 May 2008 ) |
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