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Endearing TortureThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Jason Haugh | |
| Tuesday, 20 May 2008 | |
Dear Diary, Today was Valentine's Day. I managed to get halfway through the day without realizing it until Sarah came up to me at work and told me about the romantic evening her boyfriend had planned for them. This only reminded me that I have no one intimate in my life right now. It was so depressing. So according to the rules of Valentine's Day I was forced to make the remainder of the holiday as miserable and lonely for myself as I could. The first thing I did was take a vow of silence. I didn't answer anybody who talked to me and after about ten minutes of silence everyone just gave up. This left me feeling alone and unwanted. The next thing I did after I got home was cook my favorite pizza that I had bought with my last $5. It smelled so good in the oven and I was so hungry that when it finally came out I almost didn't drop it on the floor. But I knew I had too, for the good of the depression. Still feeling the empty void in my stomach that ached with neglect I knew I had to now concentrate on the heart. The first movie I watched was Titanic. I always hated it but forced myself to watch anyway because I knew if I had a girlfriend we'd probably be watching something better. Sitting in that empty living room feeling more lonely than I ever have I burst into tears using my shirt as a tissue until it was too wet to absorb anymore. I put in Metropolis next, grabbed a clean shirt, and sat back down on the couch with pictures of my old girlfriends. Watching the story of friendship and self discovery and hearing Ray Charles's ‘Can't Stop Loving You' sent me into another crying fit that lasted a good half hour. Looking at my ex girlfriends and remembering good times that were long over was a good way to keep the tears flowing after the movie. I cried so much and felt so bad about myself that my stomach began to cramp up. I fell on the floor and curled into a ball until the pain subsided and then I threw up on myself. It was so pathetic that it was perfect. After the pictures and movies I knew that it was going to be difficult to make myself feel any worse. So I looked up on the internet what the lethal dosage for ingesting rat poison was and took about half that. For the rest of the night I sat in the bathtub dry heaving until I eventually passed out. When I woke up the water was ice cold and I had a fever. I still felt nauseas as I made my way up the stairs and into my room but Valentine's Day demanded this of me. It was mandatory that on this day all single men and women should feel at their lowest and most vulnerable. I truly feel vulnerable as I write this laying down in my bed with poison coursing through my veins. But as I look at the clock and see that it's now finally midnight I can relax and take a breath. Because it doesn't really matter if you have someone or not in your life. What matters are the relationships with friends you have and the good times that you share. Even more importantly is the relationship that you have with yourself. hack hack cough Oh no! I'm coughing up blood! Goddamn rat poison. Copyright 2008 Jason Haugh |
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