Here I am laying bed,bored, staring at my ceiling in the dark. Its 12:30 am. Another day, another senseless ******* day where I would normally just go through the motions. No excitement just the same mundane **** that I've been doing the past 3 years. Same routine, same people, same places.
Except today is different. I'm not asleep yet. I always fall asleep at exactly 11:37pm each night. Not earlier nor later than 11:37. Tonight something was off. It almost reminded me of that night 4 years ago before I got into this cycle of routine. Routines are safe. You know what will happen and when. No surprises, nothing to jump up at you and say "boo!"
I used to like surprises but not anymore. The unexpected is dangerous. I don't like danger. I tried to calm myself down since I was getting a little annoyed that I wasn't asleep yet. I went over the day in my head. Did something happen today that was different? It seemed like any ordinary day.
I had gotten up at 7:29am. I took my daily shower, applied make-up, got dressed, ate, and went to work. The commute to work was ordinary. Traffic was a ***** like always. I had parked in the same spot I always do, said hello to the people I always say hello to. Nothing seemed out of place. After work I went to the gym across the street and did my usual work out. I came home, made dinner, read my book, and went to bed.
Except now I'm not asleep. I started to think about different kinds of cheeses and the different flavors of coffee. Anything to put me to sleep. Its already 1:24 and I don't feel tired at all. Then it hit me. Its been exactly four years since that day. Four ******* brutal years. The day my parents and my lover died right before my eyes. I've tried blocking that night out but it always haunts me in my dreams and its all I think about.
I've seen psychiatrist after psychiatrist. Been subscribed so many pills it would make a druggie jealous. All the same diagnosis; Postraumtic stress disorder,anxiety, and depression. A ******* waste of time, tell me something I didn't know. Then I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the pity, the pills, and those goddamn quacks. I couldn't bear killing myself so I did the next best thing; I traveled. Then I finally came back. Why I came back, I'll never know. I could have started a new life somewhere else. I guess I'm abit of a masochist. Then I started the routine. I never went out with anyone. People have tried dragging me out but they eventually stopped when they realized it was futile.
I called the only person I trust. After a few rings he finally picked up.
"mm.. Hello?" Cal responded groggerially.
"Hey.. did I wake you up?" I asked
"Yeah.. I was having this nice dream about being able to fly"
"Oh sorry, well not really, I just needed someone to talk to."
"Whats up?"
"I can't sleep and I realized its been four years already"
"Four years since what?.......... oh.. nevermind. You ok"
"I don't know"
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not really"
"Hm, maybe you should stop running away from it and finally figure out what happened that day. You'll never be able to move on if you don't."
"I know. Argh, I just don't want to. Plus its already been so long. Why should I even try? It happened and thats all there is to it."
" You can be so frustrating sometimes, you know that?"
"Yeah, sorry. I should let you go though. I think I'm getting a little sleepy."
"Hm, ok, well if you need me, you know the number."
"Yep, thanks, later."
"Bye"
I didn't sleep at all that night. Around 3 I got fed up and decided to go somewhere. I had no destination in mind. I called out sick from the office for the day and took the next few days off. I just drove for about a good 7 hours before I had to stop and get gas. I was in the middle of nowhere. It was all farm country. I found a hotel and spent the night. Next day, I found myself back at the old house. I had no intention of ending up there but sometimes that **** just happens.
The house was abandoned. It was in dire need of repair from the looks of it. I stepped onto the porch. By the sounds of the creaking, the porch was very upset by the added weight. I took another step forward but this time the porch rebelled and my foot went through the floorboard. "Son of a *****!". I pulled my foot out. No damage, luckily. I limped through the front door. The place had gone to hell. There was dust and broken glass everywhere. The stairs did not seem safe to climb but there was no need to go upstairs since the 2nd floor was in the living room.
I couldn't take the sight of the house anymore. I ran outside and was sprinting towards the car. "So you're back" said a voice behind me. Chills ran up my spine as I suddenly stopped and turned around to see who the voice belonged to even though I already knew.
"Jared"
"Its been awhile"
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