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Will It Never Make Sense?! |
| Written by Jamie Ann | |
| Friday, 16 May 2008 | |
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It's unsettling the thoughts racing through my head of days gone by. Of times that will never come again. Of things that have happened but will never happen again. That life as I knew it won't ever be the same. Nothing will ever repeat itself...well almost nothing. I wonder if there is something I could have done better. Pushed harder for something that could have turned my path in a new direction. Why all the hardships when life should be easy. When everyone around me seems happy and content yet I yearn for even a small slice of that pie that gives others such happiness. Why is it that all I want is taken away from me before I even knew I held it. Peace, happiness, and contentment. Why is it always suffering, heartbreak, and pain that dictates everything that happens in my life. My misery yet my peace go hand in hand. Maybe its because I'm not ready for certain things, but then why tempt me with them if I am not. Why is it that everything I receive seems to be taken back such a short time after receiving it? I suppose life is supposed to be full of misery and pain, but then again I ask why can people look so happy and content when I am so unsettled and miserable? I don't presume to be perfect nor will I ever be. But I don't expect to be handed so many low down tricks. Maybe we all call the shots differently but then I call them as I see them. Maybe trials do come before joy. Maybe all that can go wrong will go wrong then something will finally go right. I haven't seen it yet. You may ask why is it that I bring up this subject as I do? Because I need to get a weight off of my shoulders. Nearly two years ago I gave up all I had, some stuff I put in storage grant it, to join the Army. To go out and do good in the world as only I could. I felt this was the right thing for me as I had tried to follow other paths and had only hit dead ends. I had tried living on my own, going to college, even got engaged but nothing worked out for me in those lines. So I decided to follow a dream I had dreamt since I was a child. I enlisted for five years under an Active Duty Contract. I went through the training, even though some days I feared I would fail. I made it through six months of training with only four weeks with my family in that time, first for Christmas then for Hometown Recruiting. I was then stationed eight hours from my home in Ft. Carson, Colorado. I had issues both physically and mentally right from the start. I made it through each day on prayer and such. Never knowing if I would honestly make it through the next day. But I did make it and here I am now. Up until the 9th of May 2008 I worked on Ft. Carson. But I am now on my final leave awaiting my final day in the military which will be the 25th of June 2008. Why so early when it has only been two years and I am supposed to do five? I was diagnosed with Throchanteric Bursitis in my left hip, only to find out a few moths later that it was in both hips. I was also diagnosed with Patelo-femeral Syndrome in both knees. Along with Depression, most agonized by military issues I came upon. October of 2007 brought me news of my Medical Board beginnings. Now I sit waiting. So falls my dream of fighting for my country. Next issue that comes my way is the hardships of love. I haven't ever been exactly best of friends with guys but I found myself falling for one in particular guy, Ray. I fondly know him by his nickname which most people use for him but for the sake of the story I will only call him Ray. We met in March of 2007 when we both arrived on Ft. Carson. We both ended up in the same unit only different companies in the same battalion. We have never been technically boyfriend/girlfriend, but a lot of people who know us think we should get our minds right and hook up. You see Ray and I have lived together for nearly six months and for the most part up until now have been inseparable. We were always together before moving into this apartment we share now though, by way of sneaking to his room or him to mine or taking rides to work and play together or such as that. Even through his knee surgery in November of 2007 I was at his side though the whole thing. I didn't plan on falling in love with him nor should I hold any hope of anything beyond friendship with him but I can't help my wayward heart. My sadness about the next few months concerning Ray though is that he will be shipping out to Iraq within the next few weeks. I will honestly miss him terribly. I don't know what will happen in the next ten months nor do I wish to think what could happen for I am afraid that something bad could happen as it has in the past when we were separated for even the briefest of times. I hope he comes home safe but for the moment I am loosing him for several months at least and I don't know how I will handle it not having him at my side. I can only hope things will go good for him and me both and that when he returns things will work out for us. My final dilemma is that in our friendship, mine and Ray's, I have found joy three times now only to have that joy torn from me. Yes, three times. I wasn't so sure the third time it happened at first but now that I have thought things through I know that my thoughts are sure and pact. In May of 2007 I was pregnant, recently it came to my knowledge that it was twins, one for sure was a girl. I miscarried the first of the twins the final weeks of May. In July the second twin which I had only found out was a girl I miscarried three days following the news that I was pregnant and the ultrasound that confirmed both that I was pregnant and that I was having a girl. I was saddened by this but knew I had to move on as my life could only go forward that I could change nothing in the past. My most recent pregnancy was somewhat harder as I knew I was pregnant but the test showed negative. I know my body and I know what being pregnant feels like. You see I had become pregnant the first time while I was on birth control and the test up until July had come out negative also. That is why this second time I also knew the birth control wouldn't work and that neither would the test. I knew I had miscarried though because when I bled this time around I saw the small unformed body within a small sack of blood. People would say I am unfeeling as I put my pain and tears aside, save for the very bottom of times when I am saddened by moments such as this in my life, but I learned that to mourn them now will only cause me to have more issues down the road. I mourn them each in my own way. So now I only wonder, why me, why these trials, why be given something only to have it taken away? I suppose I should be learning something of all this. What I'm not so sure. In my present state of mind though I would like to blame my body and my fear of being hurt on these issues. I question myself because I wonder why can't I carry a child to term? Why can't I fall in love with a guy who can let himself choose me to love and take into his life? Why can't I have a career in my life that I can carry out my obligation in at least? And lastly, why can my body betray me and take away my strength to be the twenty-one year old I am? Why all this on such a young person? What did I do wrong to deserve such trying trials??? I will think on these things often. I wonder if I will ever have the answers but for now I can make peace for myself by living for each day cherishing what I currently have for every moment I am blessed to have it.
(TRUE STORY) Copyright 2008 Jamie Ann |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 16 May 2008 ) |
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