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Stalker ShoppingThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Jason Haugh | |
| Monday, 12 May 2008 | |
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Share it:       I saw her picking up a bag of kibbles n bits eyeing the price tag as she placed it in her cart next to the Pantene pro V anti-dandruff shampoo and the aqua fresh toothpaste. I didn’t know what her name was but I knew that I wanted her to take over every aspect of my life because she was perfect and I was weird. I watched as she turned her cart and slowly left the aisle leaving me alone holding a bottle of pert plus daily conditioner. I knew I had to follow her. But first. I had to rid myself of something that would attract much unwanted attention.
I felt the rancid air escape my backside cheeks and heard a small gasp seconds later as an elderly woman was assaulted by my release of carbonated waste. She looked back at me amidst the transparent odor filled screen with knives in her eyes and the horrors of war stretched across her face. Obviously this woman hadn’t expected to be defiled as she left the tooth care aisle and entered the chamber of hair care. “Excuse me,” I bluntly said passing the silently defiant senior citizen bumping her shoulder in an intimidating manner, thus sending her helplessly towards the ever cold tile with a steady momentum. I heard the satisfying slap of her body hitting the floor and was on my way. As I exited hair care a horrified gasp escaped the aisle along with “Oh my God what is that smell? Hey lady are you alright?” The voice then went into a more shocked tone. “What? A young man farted on you? And then he pushed you?” That’s when my step quickened along with the velocity of my body.
As I passed the pet department a young stocker with wild acne and a strand of mucous bungeed off his nose glanced up at me, began to form a wave and a smile, and then seemed to realize that not only were we strangers, but that I felt sorry for him. Discontinuing the greeting before it was even approved for release the acne strand turned and began mundanely performing his duties once again. I moved on. Gliding in between the mob of fellow consumers I made my way to the meat department hoping to come across some discounted slab of ground beef left alive for only a single day before being considered a danger to its surroundings and potential buyers. I was in luck. A four and a half pound package of 80% beef was to be expired this very day and was being sold to the first buyer for a measly $3. Ignoring the cancerish grey corners of this long ago deceased animal I enthusiastically sunk my fingers into it’s body and guided it deftly to my basket. Every item was now accounted for and I as walked to the check out lane I saw her again. Since our parting she had acquired a carton of large AA eggs, half a gallon of 1% milk, and a package of tortillas. Those tortillas are what threw another load of coal onto my burning fire of obsession. This girl and I were meant to be together, I was now sure of it.
Getting into the shortest line available I waited for my time to pay as I blatantly stared at this figure of wonder and beauty. She was oblivious to the fact that during a routine stop for house hold necessities she had acquired a stalker. This made me laugh out loud causing unwanted attention from the people around me. I had done it. Everyone now knew that there was a freak in their midst. That’s when I stopped looking at her for fear of some wannabe hero taking notice and coming at me with unfounded accusations and callused fists. As I averted my gaze I felt a rumbling in my gut and a strong force demanding to be released from my rectum. Clenching my eyes and buttocks shut I stood next to the candy and impulse buy items trying not to spray the good family that had come to reside behind me. The person in front of me moved, resulting in an unfilled gap of space that I was expected to fill. The line was moving now, and I would have to follow it. Opening my eyes I scanned the empty space calculating how many safety steps would be required to complete what was expected of me. The first two steps went off without a hitch but the third was too ambitious. The step was too big allowing an opening in my defenses. The enemy took no time exploiting my weaknesses and before I knew it, the small child behind me was screaming. “He got it on my face! Oh my God it burns mommy!! *hack, hack* I JUST SWALLOWED SOME OF IT!” I began to hear the rumblings of revolution behind me as the family gathered its annoyance and anger concentrating it into a tight ball of hate that would allow for anything to slide, even violence.
“There’s obviously been a mistake here.” I said halfway turning to the family. “I didn’t fart on your kid if that’s what you’re thinking.” “Yes he did mommy yes he did.” The small boy said tugging at his mother’s pants. “We can all smell it you know.” His mother said patting her kids head. “I think you owe my kid an apology.” The father said with his eyebrows crooked and his fists clenched. Revealing an apparent look of disgust I sniffed the air, slit my eyes, and looked at the boy. “You know that’s pretty disgraceful; passing gas in public and then blaming it on a stranger.” Looking up at the parents I softened my face, “I will apologize because I don’t want any trouble. But you need to know that I didn’t fart on your kid. I’m not that kind of person. If I did, I would shamefully admit it and humbly ask for your undeserving forgiveness.” The parents seemed to buy this obvious lie as they looked at each other’s eyes becoming disconnected from reality and seeming to share a mutual embarrassment for their child. Coming back to the real world the mother placed her hand on her son’s shoulder and said, “Nick I want you to apologize to this man for lying to him and everyone in this store.” “But mom!” Nick said “Just do it!” She harshly retorted. “It’s his turn in line.” Turning my head I noticed that this was true. Farting on the kid had killed time. “But mom smell my hair! He really got me.” Grabbing a fistful of his hair she tugged back on his skull forcing him to make eye contact with her. The eyes were enough to convince him that he had better say something along the lines of I’m sorry soon otherwise he might not live another day, and if he did, it wouldn’t be worth it. Looking up into my eyes with tearful rage Nick apologized. “I’m sorry,” he said with clenched teeth, “it was my fault.” “That’s alright kid,” I said lightly nudging his shoulder, “you’ve just got some growing up to do.” His parents smiled at this as I turned and allowed the clerk to ring up my purchase. “That’ll be $18.56,” she said mechanically. As I handed her a twenty some kind of shouting began to crescendo in the check out department. The first slew of sentences sounded like gibberish. But then, “That’s the man who farted on me and pushed me to the ground!” I made it out.
Panic seeped into me as sweat escaped. I could actually feel the two rubbing up against each other, it was horrible. I scanned the area for half a second before coming upon two ambulance personnel’s wheeling out an old woman in a stretch bed. Clarity stabbed me in the head like a sharpened dagger threatening death. This time it wasn’t a matter of convincing two inexperienced parents that I didn’t fart on their kid. Now it was a matter of getting the Hell out of this store before I was torn apart limb from limb for miterating on a little kid and an old woman, the latter who I had hospitalized. Shadows loomed all around me and I felt a firm hand grasp my wrist. Without looking I kicked the assailant behind me and broke free, dodging customers like an all state quarterback pumped up on superior steroids. The ambulance personnel had wheeled my old lady in front of the exits intending to board her. The time for hesitation had long passed. Knowing this I hurtled over the old woman crashing into the mechanical doors that hadn’t been triggered to open. Falling back onto the old lady in a stretcher I was grabbed by the forearms from both men. Using adrenaline for what it was made for I pushed one to the left, sending him crashing into a drinking fountain head first. The other was sent to the right, tumbling into the greeter who after falling, started screaming about her hip. Wasting no time I sprinted out of the building, jumped into my car, and sped the entire way home. The next day I saw a minor article in the newspaper relating to the incident. The old woman and the greeter’s hip were both broken. Meanwhile Nick, the little kid who I had farted on, was graciously given a concussion by my foot. To think, the day had started with an innocent foray into stalking and had ended with three people being sent to the hospital. Two of which I had farted on. The End. Copyright 2008 Jason Haugh |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 23 May 2008 ) |
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