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Short Stories Non-Fiction Where The Heck Are The Lasers?
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Where The Heck Are The Lasers? |
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| Written by JJ Tyler | |
| Wednesday, 07 May 2008 | |
| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 07 May 2008 ) |
Where the Heck are the Lasers?
This is the future. According to Terminator 2, we should be being taken over by skeletal governors (who use lasers) by now, GI Joe promised giant battles full of weapons of mass destruction, shooting giant lasers without anyone getting killed, and then there was Star Wars, with the multi lasers buzzing overhead and even swords that could be used as a laser stick to beat your least favorite family member with.
But now, in the future, we are void of any lasers, unless you want to get your eyes lasered, which actually improves things. Where are the lasers that destruct things? Where is our Death Star? If we had a star it would be called the Life Star or the Lilly Star, a Pansy Star.
The only recent sci-fi weapon I have seen come out was a gun that shoots sonic waves. It's is a great non-lethal way to fight, but when you boil it down, it just makes the bad guys sick to their tummies. We don't need a multi-million dollar weapon for that, just go pick up some fish tacos off the vendor on 5th st.
Lasers had a bit of a buzz when the laser pointers came out a decade ago. They were used to point at butts on the movie screen, or to allow your favorite animal to go nuts chasing something that is unfetchable, or my favorite: shooting the eyes of mimes as they try to practice their mimery--the perfect crime, because mimes don't talk. But what a let down laser pointers have been after that, never actually getting to the point where they can sear skin.
Bullets are so 90's. Lasers are in, but they aren't here yet. They're so in they don't even exist. Hunters could just lop the heads off of non suspecting deer with the swoop of their laser pen. Then the pen would be mightier than the sword, unless that sword was a laser sword, and then I would have to reassess this validity of this phrase using my laser powered abacus.
Could you imagine what lasers would do for our culinary industry? Imagine the taste of a laser cooked pizza. Deep laser fried buffalo wings. Laser Fondue? Forget the Foreman grill, you could just point your laser cooker across the room to grill that patty o' beef.
I know what you are asking yourself, why does this guy get to complain, was he born with a silver spoon in his mouth? No, it was a silver laser gun waiting for lasers to be invented, and yet it still sits idly.
Two words: Laser flavored cola.
Lasers.
--JT
Comments (8) |
 05-07-2008 08:47, Where the “F” are my lazers, dangit, GI Joe lied to me so did my Governator WHY But you do make a good point. Wait I should say GREAT point » Reply to this comment...  05-07-2008 10:20, Laser? I'm sticking with a M41A Pulse Rifle. But I also keep my laser pen handy. » Reply to this comment...  05-07-2008 11:37, I would salute you both with a 21 shot lazer fest to the sky, if lazer guns existed. » Reply to this comment... 05-07-2008 14:19, Now see if there were any planes passing by, then we would be called terrorist, but I would hope that my brain can handle the awesomeness of that event. » Reply to this comment...  05-07-2008 15:46, All of this intrigues me and yet enrages me. Now I feel like I have the God given right to laser technology and I'm being cheated. Keep spreading the message man. » Reply to this comment...  05-11-2008 17:39, this was hilarious. i was laughing the whole way through. 5 stars and a fav. » Reply to this comment... » See all 1 replie(s)  05-14-2008 10:42, Haha, I thought you were gonna lose me on the first few paragraphs (they were bland), but those last ones had me chocking on my orange soda; so very funny! ahh, I am feeling quite giddy now. » Reply to this comment... 05-14-2008 11:29, They can be dangerous. My family nearly lost a shag carpet to one in 1988. » Reply to this comment... |
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