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Written by Philip Neale
Tuesday, 06 May 2008

Last Updated ( Tuesday, 06 May 2008 )

Tuesday, 5^th June

Dear Mom

How unfair is this? I get done out of my birthright by that cow Hera, dad can’t do anything about it because he’d already opened his big mouth about the succession and Eurystheus gets the job, and now I’m up for murder because I let myself get all worked up about it. I tell you if this is justice, I’m a monkey’s uncle.

Hercules

Wednesday, 6^th June

Dear Mom

I don’t believe this. They said they were letting me off as long as I went to see the Oracle at Delphi. Have you seen the cost of travel? It’s miles away – I think I might walk. Anyway Theseus says he’ll come with me for company so at least I’ll have someone to talk to. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this though.

Hercules

Friday, 8^th June

Dear Mom

Absolutely unbelievable! That dingbat, the Oracle, has given me and ASBO with ten jobs attached to it, and if that wasn’t bad enough the guy setting them is, you’ve guessed it, Eurystheus. Like he’s my number one best buddy, man I hate that guy! Apparently I’ve got to go to some place called Nemea and kill a cat – seems a bit cruel to me, but a job’s a job. Catch you later.

Hercules

Tuesday 12^th June

Dear Mom

Cat? It was a bloody great lion. I nearly pooed my pants. The thing had a skin like Rhino hide and none of my weapons worked. I was so scared when it came at me that all I could do was stick out my arm and hope for the best. The stupid brute choked on my fist (all that working out finally paid off) and the next thing I knew was that it was twitching away on the ground. That was so close, but I still needed the skin and I couldn’t cut it. I was getting really teed off when this bit of stuff appeared (said her name was Athena) and told me to use the things claws. It worked – one down and nine to go. That’s one in the eye for Eurystheus.

Hercules

Thursday 14^th June

Dear Mom

As I’ve been such a good boy, they gave me the rest of the list to study up on and yesterday’s star prize was the Lernaean Hydra. I’d seen pictures of this one. It had seven heads and the kind of breath you wouldn’t want after a night on the curry. Called Iolaus on his mobile and he came over to help. He got this idea of burning the stump of each head as I cut them off to prevent re-growth and it worked. I’m getting the hang of this – now for the Ceryneian Hind, whatever that is.

Hercules

Saturday 16^th June

Dear Mom

Nobody said anything about working weekends! This thing is a damn deer and they can really shift. I’ve got to catch it and bring it back for Eurystheus to put in his zoo. Not sure how long this is going to take.

Hercules

Friday 13^th June

Dear Mom

Sorry it’s been so long since the last letter, but it’s taken me a year to track this thing down and nail it. If it hadn’t stopped for a drink I don’t know what I’d have done. You wouldn’t believe the places I’ve been and I only managed to catch it by laming it first. Had to carry it back all the way and they weigh a ton – still good thing I’m a big boy isn’t it. I’ve got the Erymanthian Boar next, so I’ll write you when I recover from that.

Hercules

Friday 20^th June

Dear Mom

Another ‘go and catch me one’ – this’ll be the death of me. According to this guy Chiron, I‘ve got to drive the boar into the snow and catch it when it can’t go any further – good job I brought my Wellingtons along! Actually this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and the best bit is that when I brought it back to you-know-who, he was so scared that he jumped into his chamber pot. That one really rocked! I’ll let you know how I’m getting on when I find my list – must have put it down someplace.

Hercules

Monday 23^rd June

Dear Mom

Found it. It was in one of my Wellingtons all the time. Good job I’ve got them because cleaning out the Augean Stables was one hell of a job in one day. I’m sure no-one had ever been near these cattle because the stuff was nearly up to the rafters and it stank to high heaven. Augeus, the owner, said that I couldn’t have any help from anyone. Thinks he’s clever that one, but I fixed him. I changed the course of two local rivers and let the water do the work. Boy was he mad – reneged on out agreement though and refused to pay so I iced him. Had to really didn’t I? Got to take some birds out next – should be great that, I’m looking forward to a night out.

Hercules

Wednesday 25^th June

Dear Mom

Wrong kind of birds - I was so upset. What am I going to do with the new suit now? These birds are man-eaters, and I really MEAN man-eaters, with brass claws and sharp metallic feathers. To top it off, if they dump on you, you die of toxic poisoning. They were living in a forest and I couldn’t see a thing, so I had to scare them out into the daylight. After that it was like a turkey shoot – I should have got a soft toy for the marksmanship, but you can’t have everything can you?

Hercules

Saturday 29^th June

Dear Mom

Got to go to Crete (wherever that is) to bring this bull back to Athens, and I’m not sure where I put my passport. Boat leaves in two hours so I’ll rush this off to you now. Lots of love and don’t fret about me.

Hercules

Sunday 7^th July

Dear Mom

Tracked the owner down and he was glad to see the back of the bull as it had been wreaking havoc in the local china shops and the traders were threatening to sue if he didn’t get it sorted. I’d been working out a little on the boat over here so in the end it was no contest and was all over in the first round. See you very soon.

Hercules

Friday 12^th July

Dear Mom

Now I’m a horse thief! As if that wasn’t bad enough I had to take them off a giant called Diomedes, and just what is it with Eurystheus and these man-eating creatures? I had to fight him for the livestock but while we were busy, the damn things ate Abderus, a dear friend of mine. I mean can you believe that? I tell you I wasn’t best pleased so I fed Diomedes to them as well (killed him first, anything else would have been cruel). Apparently eating calms them down, and I managed to tape up their mouths and bring them home. Hope they do something nasty to Eurystheus.

Hercules

Wednesday 17^th July

Dear Mom

I’m so embarrassed about this one. Had to go to this chick called Hippolyte and steal her underclothes. I didn’t realise, but she was one of those Amazon women with the big…………..everythings. Anyway she took a real shine to me and we were getting along just fine, when all of a sudden all her mates come crashing in looking for a fight. Unfortunately in the confusion I accidentally killed her, so I thought ‘what the hell’ picked up the girdle and legged it. Shame really I thought we could have had a good thing going there. Next up I am going to be a cattle rancher!

Hercules

Saturday 20^th July

Dear Mom

This one was a real bummer. Had to cross this desert in a place called Libya and the heat got to me a little. Funny the things you do when you’re not yourself and apparently I shot an arrow at the sun to teach it a lesson. This God dude Helios gave me a big gold cup for winning the archery competition and I used it as a boat to get to the ranch in Erythia. Must have tripped over a black cat somewhere on the way because bad luck met me on the beach in the shape of a dog with two heads (got to stop taking those little yellow pills). Anyway, hit him with my club and it was goodnight Vienna and just to show no hard feelings I dealt with his master, Eurytion, in the same way. Rounded up the herd, saddled me a horse, got me a guitar and we all set out for home. Now Eurystheus can stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Rawhide Hercules (yee hah!)

Wednesday 24^th July

Dear Mom

Now I’m really cross! Apparently I’ve cheated and according to dipstick Eurystheus I’ve got to do two more jobs because somebody helped me on a couple of the other ones. You’ll never guess what the first one is…………….I’ve got to go scrumping and I haven’t done that since third grade (skinned my knees that day as well). There’s a group of nymphs called the Hesperides and they have the mother and father of all orchards with a tree growing golden apples, and these are the things I’ve got to pinch. Get the oven ready and I’ll bring some normal ones home for pies.

Hercules

Friday 26^th July

Dear Mom

Saw Atlas doing not much of anything so I conned him into nicking the apples for me while I held the heavens for him for a bit. Cheeky beggar came back and said he’d bring the apples back home for me and that I could keep the heavens as he’d read them all. I told him ‘No Deal’ but he wasn’t having it so I said ‘OK’ as long as he held them for me while I took a leak. Stupid fool agreed and I legged it before he realised what had happened. He wasn’t very pleased – think I’ll cross him off my Christmas card list now.

Hercules

Monday 27^th July

Dear Mom

Found my calling in life – Dog Warden! Another one of Donkey-Breath’s multi-headed creations. ‘Go and get me Cerberus’ he said, and gives me a piece of paper with an address on it in the Hades area of town. The dude himself was at home when I called so I passed myself off as a dog walker. Damn fool went and got the lead and even gave me a bag of treats for the mutt so he would behave. Well I had to master this brute pretty early and he must have gotten news of what happened with the Hydra because we became pretty good buddies. Well I got another laugh at Eurystheus expense because one bark from my new buddy and the guy jumps into a storage jar. Boy was I tempted to seal it. So now that I’ve done, the ASBO has been lifted. Put the kettle on, I’m coming home and I’m parched!

Hercules