Another Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure pt. 2
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Written by alyreche
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Friday, 29 June 2007 |
So it’s been a couple of weeks and I feel like I am ready to date now but I know any man I do date will be a rebound and that man will serve his purpose if you catch my drift. Since my break up with Ryan I have become a different woman and I feel like I can’t become the person I really want to be. I am so bitter and angry. I just want to use anyone I can and get what I want because it was done to me. I just want this war of hurt to be over. After all my prayers and cries God delivers a guy named Jonathan to me. Jonathan was a friend of a guy we knew from our neighborhood named Hykeim who was gunned down at a club about six months ago. Jonathan was cool and I actually enjoyed his company very much. It took me a minute to open up to him but in May we shared ourselves with each other and became intimate in ways other than just physical but mental as well. I felt that Jonathan could be a part of my life and my children adored him as much as I did but I knew one day there would be a price with that happiness. Time went by and spring became summer and Jonathan and I were still friends but I had started seeing Ryan more because of mutual acquaintances and that wasn’t good at all. I loved myself more and my self esteem was definitely stronger but I knew I still had feelings for Ryan. I also knew that I couldn’t be with Ryan anymore either. Ryan had lost me due to all his betrayal and trust and love could not come back over night so I knew that my ways would not give in. I never understood how a man that has a good woman and a strong foundation could throw it all away on one night that doesn’t last long. Any way I began talking to an old friend that was once a part of my life when I was a teenager and his name was Choo and even though he was not a good man to me I forgave him for his ways and we became friends. Choo talked to me about Ryan and gave me good advice but little did I know that Choo had his own agenda. Choo had wanted to be with me again and thought we could pick up where we left off. I could never go backwards to a relationship where the man beat the woman and made her feel ugly inside and out. I tried to break it gently to my old friend but I ended up ending the friendship all together and we no longer speak to each other. I feel like God is basically saying “Zoë’ just be alone because you are the only one that can make you Happy”! I think I am cursed or something because I can’t fall in love and I can’t tolerate anyone longer than at least a month. I slowly began to feel like abstinence is the key. When Ryan and I break up we usually go astray for some time with whomever we choose and we do us until we miss each other but I think that’s pathetic. I just wish we could have worked out because the love I felt was so strong and pure and he was the one. Jonathan and I ended up staying with each other every night almost and it felt great but I think I was placing him in Ryan’s spot for some closure or to stop dwelling on Ryan. It didn’t work because after a while I became bored and distant with Jonathan. Jonathan had showed me how to live a little and be happy for that little while. I had gotten into church and actually wanted to be around him. It was all a lie though because I didn’t share the same feeling for him. I had to let Jonathan go and we are not friends anymore. I think I just wanted that feeling of happiness but after a while he couldn’t give it to me anymore and I became distant and unattached to him. They say you need time to heal between relationships right? There is nothing cute about baggage. I think as an adult you should deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship and that’s something I didn’t do. I just wanted to make Ryan hurt like I was but he didn’t even care and actually he is happy with whom he’s with and I feel worse than I felt before. So now Jonathan and I are done and he really pissed me off kind of on our goodbye but the way I am now is live and let go. I let him go and I actually didn’t look back but I think that’s because I didn’t love him. I can actually say I wasn’t in love and that’s great! Now I am talking to a guy name Gary and he is a guy I met one night when I was picking up Jonathan. Isn’t that funny? Gary was a Dominican guy and he was fine. He gave me just as much compliments as Jonathan used too. I really liked him but I was still in love with Ryan and I needed the closure I have been looking for. I cannot just keep sleeping with men and having feelings for a short period of time. I might as well be a call girl. We went out and watched a movie at his house and it was nice. I enjoyed his company and that’s all that mattered to me. I knew he would be a project though because he talked about his past relationship for our whole first date but somehow I cannot stop talking to him. I feel we connected somehow. Maybe he was my savior or maybe not. My kid’s make me feel even worse sometimes because they want their father to be everywhere we go and sometimes I do too. When I see Ryan he is so cold and hallow. I don’t see any love in his eyes and I know now that the love he had for me is gone. Even though he is no victim or innocent, I still have this bond that can’t be broken. I just wish we could talk but I know that’s impossible right now. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them and an entire lifetime to forget them. I might as well fight to be with Ryan then. Love can’t be this hard. If other men can make me feel like the way I wanted Ryan to make me feel then I know it’s a chance it can happen. I just need this last chance but it will take God and all his doing to change Ryan’s ways. Ryan is so stubborn and arrogant that being around him could get u locked up. I rather kill him then love him sometimes. I want to be his treasure not his trash. Last night as I sat on my couch falling asleep after watching General Hospital I put myself in the place of Sam McCall and Jason and I see that sometimes women can be the nags men portray them to be but I also see that when I woman love s a man she is going to nag him because she cares. I don’t think I was a bad girlfriend but my demands were high and I think that’s great. I cannot allow a man to treat me like **** and sleep around me when I cook, clean, pay bills and wash his ****. It has to be boundaries and they cannot be crossed. Ryan crossed them. As I go down his block and see that white car, I reminisce about the old times when we were happy and when our love kept us stronger than ever. I love my Ryan but I did the right thing. As I see Jonathan now I keep walking and I remember that he served his purpose and one day he will find a woman to share the same feelings with him but that woman won’t be me. As for Gary well I am taking that run one step at a time and we will see what happens there. He not legit but he cute and since I am not thinking passed today with him, I will take what I can get. He not cheap and he treats me like his treasure not his trash.
Stayed tuned for part 3……
Copyright 2007 alyreche
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 03 July 2007 )
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