At Your Command

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Sinai

31^st July

Dear God

Further to our little chat on the mountain the other day and the instructions you gave to me for forwarding to the masses, there are a few things that have been puzzling me. I think its best, if it’s alright with you, that we sort this out before I release them for publication. I know you are our God almighty, Omniscient, Omnipresent and all that, I appreciate that a lot of thought must have gone into them and I am sure you haven’t just dashed them off in a moment of blind thought, but as I am going to be the one facing all the questions I feel that I ought to have the answers ready – they can be a funny lot sometimes these children of Israel.

Anyway, here goes. The first and second commandments are a bit long-winded and it sounds as if you are laying down the law a bit too strong, bearing in mind what comes a little later. I think they will all understand how the land lies with you, and that you have been around since way before Adam’s day. We are all grateful, I am sure, for our deliverance from the Egyptians – they really were a load of slave drivers, and the food was a bit too spicy for some of us (you didn’t want to be around on a Saturday night). We don’t need any other Gods, one will be quite sufficient thank you but it might be helpful if you could supply some signed photographs so that your folks down here will know what you look like. This could kill the ‘idol’ thing stone dead and it would not conflict with item six on your list – you know, the ‘murder’ thingy,

Also, and excuse me for being a little forward, visiting the sins of the fathers upon the heads of future generations is unlikely to get you many votes in the public relations area, so if you could rethink that one it might be helpful in convincing your followers to love you for the thousand generations you mention. I don’t mean to be picky, but maybe you could use a little help in the subtlety department – I believe I have some time free next Wednesday afternoon.

Moving on, taking your name in vain is not a very nice thing to do and I appreciate why you would like this to be clearly understood. Could you let us have a list of acceptable expletives which can be used without fear of retribution of any kind? Please understand that hitting one’s pinky with a hammer is apt to invoke some form of verbal release and we would all appreciate some guidance on this matter.

Next – The Sabbath. Good plan, we all need a day reserved especially for talking to you and if you could devise some form of rota it would be appreciated. This would avoid the situation where we all try to talk to you at the same time, and I know from experience with all the kids around here that you can’t possibly make a decision with everyone wittering on together.

Also, I like the idea of one day each week when we can all chill out and rest – this is a big vote winner. If this is the day you would like to schedule for talking to you, all the better. However could you leave off the bit about you creating everything in just six days please? We know you work hard and it just comes off as bragging and I could do without the aggravation of facing a barrage of insults when I try to make your case. All mums and dads have a special place in our society as you must be aware, and even though the kids sometimes take us for granted we are always around when they are in need of a few shekels for the odd drink or night out now and then. I suppose you must know how that feels – or perhaps not as your only son hasn’t yet been born (must revise up on those Prophets pamphlets again). It would be helpful if we could clearly understand if this is restricted to mums and dads or extended to grandparents – there are one or two clever dicks down here who might take it as a free licence to take the mickey out of some of the older members of our little group.

The instruction not to murder is a bit of a ‘gimmie’, but does it apply to your enemies or are you going to take care of that as you did with those plague thingies in Egypt and the Red Sea demo (I know that it wasn’t really me doing it)? I mean, if you are going to be watching over us and protecting the group from enemy attack that’s all well and good, but what happens if you’re not looking one day or are busy with something else. Do we defend ourselves or ask any belligerents to wait for a moment while we get a message to you? Perhaps you could have a think about that one and get back to us.

The adultery thing is a bit of a tricky one. I’m not too worried personally and I think the rest of us ‘wrinklies’ will be OK with it. It’s the youngsters I’m a bit concerned about. They’ve been born and brought up in Egypt and some of their customs were a bit dubious to say the least. Maybe a seminar on the dangers of unprotected sex would dampen their ardour a bit together with a list of forfeits and/or penalties for breaking the rules. Nothing too draconian you understand – no cutting bits off or anything and no putting things in their food and drink after that last time with the laxatives please.

Stealing – again does this apply to the world in general or is it limited to just amongst ourselves? We’ve not exactly had the best time of it of late, and I keep coming back to the Egyptians as an example of how we have suffered at the hands of a pretty unscrupulous oppressor. Taking from the likes of them surely cannot count as anything seriously wrong, after all a lot of us died while we were constructing their fancy buildings for them – fair’s fair you know.

‘Bear false witness’ – if you mean telling lies it would be best if you just come out with instead of beating about the bush (talking of bushes, I’ve still got the burn marks from that last one you appeared in so I’d appreciate it if you could tone the visions down a bit in the future). There are a few down here who won’t understand if you use flowery language and although I could probably interpret what you mean, there’s still the chance that I might get it wrong and then your laws could then be up the spout for who knows how long. Also could you please be a little more precise as to who exactly you mean by ‘your neighbour’? Is this the family in the next tent on either side or is there some wider meaning to the statement? I’m sorry to labour the point, but you surely aren’t including the Egyptians in this, are you?

I’m glad we’ve got to the last one, because this is the item I found most confusing. If you go around using words like ‘covet’ it is always a good idea to define your terms first. I mean I have looked it up in my thesaurus and it lists a number of alternatives such as ‘desire’, ‘want’, ‘long for’, ‘yearn for’, ‘crave’ and ‘hanker after’ and whilst all of these could be easily applied to humans, I would be a little careful about their usage where animals are concerned. There are some oddballs amongst our number and if you give them as much as an inch they’ll take a mile. Any recognition of their ‘special needs’ is going to cause murmuring of discontent amongst the rest if you are seen to be giving special consideration – see where I’m coming from?

So, I hope that you won’t think I’ve been too forward but I reckon if I am going to be your spokesperson to the masses, it is really important that I understand clearly what it is you want from us. I mean it’s not as bad as it must be for the Greeks and Romans with a god for this and a god for that. At least you’re the only one we’ve got, so we know more or less where we are with that. Anyway, I’m going to put these tablets away (out of the reach of children – get it?) until you’ve had time to think about what I’ve said. If you need me at any time, just bellow my name and I’ll make myself available – don’t take any notice of the wife and any of her excuses. I sometimes wish I’d never brought her along.

Yours grovellingly

Moses

Ps

Joshua says to tell you that the parting of the Red Sea was the coolest thing he has ever seen, and could you make it an annual event for the kids? If that’s possible we could run day trips from the Promised Land each year.

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