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A Mother's Cry |
| Written by Elizabeth | |
| Wednesday, 30 April 2008 | |
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Share it:      A Mother’s Cry I pad down the hall in my pink slippers and gown, peering into the rooms of the other maternity ward patients. I see bassinets, helium balloons broadcasting “It’s a girl!” and new mothers carefully cradling their infants as if they may break. Where’s my baby? When do I get to hold MY baby? My eyes dampen as I remember the long two years my husband and I have desired children. As each month slipped by children became continually more precious to us. I remember the joy of a positive pregnancy test. I eagerly began to read everything I could find about pregnancy and started mentally shopping for things to fill our nursery. I rested my hand on my tummy constantly, trying to be closer to my baby. By the second month of my pregnancy, I was singing love songs to the little one inside me. I talked lovingly with our child as I drove in the car. I desired to be the most excellent mommy ever. The nursery is on my left. I stop and stare through the glass, looking for my precious little infant. The beds are empty. So are my arms. I head back to my room and carefully lower myself into my hospital bed, trying to avoid the pain. I can handle the physical pain; it’s the pain inside from which I hide. Glancing at my door, I hope the nurse will bring my baby, but I know she won’t. Why has my much desired pregnancy turned out to be a tubal pregnancy? Why has my baby died without even having a chance to take a breath of air, to see my smile, to feel Daddy’s loving touch, to laugh, or to utter a single word? I suffered for my baby, losing at least half my blood and coming dangerously close to death myself, yet I still lost my baby. I never even saw my child. Did I suffer in vain? Lord, why did we lose our baby? Why us, when we love it so much? We’ve waited longer than most and prayed harder. Why don’t we have a baby? Questions pursue and overcome me. Contrasting emotions flood my mind. I lay exhausted in my hospital bed, pinned down by my own thoughts. I can hardly breathe. Slowly I release a sad sigh. I picture my friends holding their babies, rocking and caressing their tiny bodies, tenderly admiring the delicate fingers, toes, and ears. What beautiful babies! The mothers gaze into their children’s eyes knowing that the little person has a unique calling. What precious babies! Their mothers love them so much. Oh, I hope they never lose a baby. They don’t need to suffer this pain. Lord Jesus, forgive me for coveting the motherhood of others. Forgive me for resenting them because I can’t hold my own child. Lord, forgive me! Suddenly I feel a great love for other women and their children. Since I truly value children, I desire this blessing for others and not just for myself. I want to encourage other mothers and help them in loving their children. “Lord, I love my baby,” I cry softly. “Thank you for giving me the baby, for allowing me to become a mother, for letting me know this love for my baby. Please let my baby know that I love it. I give our baby back to You, Jesus. I release our little baby to You. Take care of our baby. I trust You will, Father.” I lay quietly, letting the Lord hold me and comfort me. I feel a faint peace begin to grow within me. I know that the Lord Jesus is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I’m free from the oppressive questions which had smothered me earlier. I realize that I don’t need to know the answers to my many questions. All I need to know is how I will respond to my circumstances. Over the next several months, I envision many paths which could be my response. On one path, I am tempted to cringe in a corner, hopelessly afraid to try again, afraid to suffer more and still be without a child, afraid to put forth effort and desire something unattainable. It seems easier to pretend I don’t really want to bear children. That way I can’t be hurt again. Could I ever smother that great yearning for a home filled with the joyful sounds of children? Lord, You have given me this desire for children. You can fulfill it. On another trail, I pretend like it never happened at all. I see myself with a painted smile to mask the hidden tears. I see myself with a stilted skip trying to leap when I feel heavy. I see myself with a little laugh as my heart breaks all alone. I wear a jolly clown face and juggle only lies. I cry knowing my pain could continue to grow. Another road leads to a manikin walking out my life – a blank stare, a thoughtless mind, and such a cold heart. I see myself void of emotions – never experiencing joy or sorrow, caught in a routine, stuck in a meaningless pose. I’m numb. Am I real? Who set me in this rigid position? Am I even alive? This is not a life worth living. It’s so easy to wallow in self-pity. “Why me? Poor me! Why do I suffer so? Everything is against me! I am all alone! No one understands me or my hardships! No one really even cares about me! No one helps me! I’ll NEVER have a child! I’ll NEVER have a purpose in life!” That could become my reality. I could cry my life away, selfish and unfruitful. I could live so consumed by tears for my past and my dismal feelings at the moment, that I would have no thought of how to brighten my future. Sometimes I fear slipping into this muddy mire. I see myself flailing and struggling…unable to escape…my vision darkened and my spirit weighed down with muck. It can start so innocently and end so tragically. I could focus on my objective and create my own future at any expense. Wouldn’t I be so strong to take it into my own hands? Who cares about who else may be affected? Aren’t they responsible for themselves? I catch of glimpse of myself fighting and clawing, grasping at every opportunity to have a child. My face is ugly, scarred with bitterness and strife. This road can’t promise me a child. My vicious attitude could actually frighten away some of the most promising possibilities. I realize that there ‘s nothing I can do to ensure that I have a baby, but I can always hope. I turn to another path and hear a critical shriek, “How can that mother do that?! Why doesn’t she…!” Like an angry attack dog, I tear my victims to shreds. I could turn against those whom I envy the most and make an enemy of every woman who happens to be a mother, insensitive to her personal challenges and ongoing struggles. Perhaps I could become an expert mother by comparing myself to others who “fail” in some aspect. I turn away and shudder, knowing that future is not for me. I must make a decision. I can’t change the past, but I can influence the direction of my future. Which path will I take? How will I walk? Will I let the pain grow inside me or will I give it to the Lord and grow beyond these things? The choice is up to me. I can decide if this will be my spiritual downfall or a milestone to greater trust in the Lord. Will I trust in myself or in Jesus? I choose the straight and narrow road of trusting Jesus Christ, my Lord. I know that my journey won’t be easy. When my feet are weary, steep hills will rise before me. If I seek God’s help in my times of weakness, I will experience God’s strength. When I feel uncertain, or even hopeless, frightening battle lines will form on the horizon. These will offer me opportunities to lean on God and discover His faithfulness. I will encounter seemingly endless obstacles to overcome. Some days I may cry with such intensity that I’ll feel my heart has burst. But God has promised to bind up the broken-hearted. Other days a thick fog may press heavy upon me and I’ll feel lost, wondering if my life has any significance. I may feel tempted to give up hope, to turn back, or to search out a shortcut along the path. These are the times when I need to lock my focus straight ahead, remember what Jesus has endured for me, and continue to follow this road. The Lord will lead me every step of the way. He is faithful, even when all else fails. God is faithful to the end. A weight lifts as I reaffirm my commitment to the Lord. I’m sorry we lost our baby, but thankful to be a mother, even if I can’t hold our child. Knowing that I am a mother somehow encourages me. I joyfully trust that the Lord will bless us with more children. I choose to be at peace, trusting the Lord, even if I never bear a child, but by faith I see myself someday holding my own children. We will joyfully receive every child the Lord blesses us with. All will rejoice at those special and much loved babies. Then I will practice being the most excellent mommy I can be with the help of my Lord. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 Copyright 2008 Elizabeth |
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