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The man stood on the edge of the bridge, his feet hanging over the river two hundred and seventy-eight feet below. His arms were draped loosely over the railing behind him. His face was to the sky, his eyes were closed.
He was smiling.
Two hundred and seventy-eight feet below, the river rolled on uncaring if he jumped or not. It was just happy to be a river under the pale moonlight of a clear August night, with the breeze gently rippling it's surface. Had it known about the man, it still might not have cared, but it didn't.
The man himself is the one we'll be examining tonight, ladies and gentlemen. That smiling man standing on the edge of death uncaring. He's the one we're here to invade this fine August evening. Come with me now, we can sink just like a ghost into him, and then we can hear what's going on in his head....
Here we are. One thing the you should know about our new and dear friend is that he's pretty smart, and not the kind of person who you'd think might end up here if you were to talk to him on the street, or at work. He's quiet, and polite, calls everyone 'sir' and 'mam'. He's generally well-respected. Okay, here we come, from here on in we should be able to hear his thoughts directly....
Momma "You're not worth a ****, you little *******. You're going to end up in prison."
Ex-girlfriend "...but we can still be friends...."
Ex-girlfriend "...looking for something different..."
Girl at party "HIM?!?"
Father "What the hell are you thinking, boy?"
Ex-boss "If common sense were gasoline, you couldn't run a piss-ant's motorcycle around the inside loop of a Cheerio..."
Ex-girlfriend "You're just not what I expected."
Momma "You have to think for yourself, so you need to quit being a little idiot."
Ex-girlfriend "You think too much."
Father "Always be a gentleman..."
Dating prospect "Gentleman?"
Dating prospect "Yeah, right."
Dating prospect "I doubt that."
Ex-boss "You're stupid, you should have gotten her drunk and ****** her."
Momma "Your daddy was an *******, just like you are."
Ex-girlfriend "...we're just not compatible in bed..."
Ex-girlfriend "No I don't have to give you a reason."
Friend "Yeah, I'm dating your ex...."
Ex-friend walking away with laughing ex-girlfriend "Just **** you, dude."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN LOVED. I HAVE MET TEN THOUSAND ******* PEOPLE THAT HAD ONE USE FOR ME OR ANOTHER, BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN LOVED BY ONE OF THEM.
SIGH
I HAVE FAILED AT EVERYTHING THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME. THERE IS NO JOB TO PROVIDE THE HOUSE WHERIN I MIGHT POSSIBLY PUT A WIFE AND CHILDREN. THERE ARE NO PROSPECTS FOR WIFE. THERE IS ONLY THE SAME PEOPLE, DAY AFTER DAY, ERODING THAT WHICH IS GOOD WITHIN ME UNTIL I AM NOT SURE WHO I SEE IN THE MIRROR ANYMORE.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN LOVED.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN LOVED.
Girlfriend with condom wrapper under bed "I'm not sleeping with anyone!"
I AM BOUND TO THESE VOICES.
Momma "You are SUCH a little fuck-up."
THESE VOICES NEVER, EVER STOP.
Girl at party "You are such a geek, ohmygod!"
ALL MY ******* LIFE, THESE VOICES, THE REGRETS THEY CARRY WITH THEM. THE SADNESS. ALL MY ******* LIFE...
Momma "I don't know how you've lived to be this old, you little moron."
ME NEITHER. BUT I FINALLY THINK I GOT IT PEGGED, MA.
I UNDERSTAND NOW. I GOT IT FIGURED OUT RIGHT THIS TIME.
Momma "I doubt that."
OH, BUT I DO, YOU MEAN-ASSED *****. YOU WERE RIGHT, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HERE. OR I'M TOO GOOD, AND I TAKE EVERYTHING TO HEART AND CAN'T STOP. BUT EITHER WAY, I'M JUST BROKEN AS HELL, RIGHT? SEEMS EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG, NO ONE REALLY WANTS ME AROUND. SO I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY AT ONCE, AND END MY PAIN FINALLY, TOO. IT'S WIN-WIN, SEE?
AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME, MOM? HOW ABOUT YOU, EX-GIRLFRIENDS? WON'T THAT BE FUN TO READ IN THE PAPER. I DARE YOU TO WONDER WHY.
Momma "Well go ahead then, you might as well. You sure ****** up everything else in your life."
AND MORE OF YOU THAN YOU'LL EVER ADMIT IN PUBLIC WILL BE GLAD I'M GONE. I WAS ALWAYS HIS CHILD AND NOT YOURS IN YOUR MIND. TODAY I'M A WINNER, MOM. TODAY I FINALLY GET MY FREEDOM FROM THE PAIN.
The man kept his eyes closed the whole way down. He smiled.
**Author's note: this story was written in response ot the question "Why would anyone ever commit suicide?"
Copyright 2008 JS Brown
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