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The sun had finally set on Shatsville, with PieFace by her side - Wheaty was ready to set off to find the infamous Pirate Sex Ship. Looking over at PieFace she could tell something was up, Whats wrong with you? You look like death. Wheaty asked, concerned about her spunky little friend. PieFace ran her small sweaty hand through her bright pink Mohawk & muttered out three simple words seafood salad sandwich. That explained it all, PieFace was an avid fish eater - she actually couldnt get enough of it - eating it morning, noon & night. But with a deep breath she vowed that shed be okay to help find the ship and they headed off into downtown Shatsville.
Wheaty had been reading up on pirates on her free time & had learned some very valuable information. It seemed that old retired pirates loved to hangout at arcades & challenge small handicap children to competitive games of Pac-man and/or asteroids. & who else would be a better person to find directions to the ship then drunken pirate ship veterans. Wheaty decided theyd check out the small little arcade at the corner of Runny & Pooh Street. Grabbing Piefaces hand they ran across the street & into the poorly lit gaming room.
Wheaty & PieFace squinted against the brightness of the huge black lights that lined the ceiling of the place. Hoping to find one of them quickly - the place smelled like stale urine & was filled wall to wall with ugly nerds. This was not a place that the two of them fancied to be hanging in for too long. Wheaty was the first to become anxious as she walked to the second floor, they had been looking for 20 minutes & still nothing. All three Pac-man games had been pirate free - it was starting to look like a lost cause and just then PieFace squealed out Piirrattee! - using some of her last spurts of energy on it. Wheaty quickly turned around & saw him. Standing a mean 3 feet 5 inches - he looked like the ones in the books. He had an eye patch over his left eye; he was dressed in ruffled purple clothing & the next thing she noticed began to get her hot & bothered. HE HAD A WOODEN PEG LEG!
Mr. Pirate Sir hey over here. Wheaty gathered his attention with a quick flash of the teat. Can you help me sir, I need to find the Pirate Sex Sip. With these words the pirate instantly lost interest in the breast. Wheaty was shocked, not knowing what she said - she began to walk towards the little fellah. Can you help me? she asked, looking down she saw that the pirate was playing the classic game Mortal Kombat 2 - and this gave her an idea. Hey peg-leg, if I beat you in this game - you give me directions to the ship & if you beat me - you get the two of us for the night. She waited for a second, the pirate was still silent. Garrggh, yer challenge is accepted. Choose your poison. He said, looking up at her with his one good eye. She looked down on the game & saw the character select screen - this was a no-brainer, she quickly chose Sub-Zero & waited for him to choose his. He chose Smoke & it was on
PieFace grew weaker & weaker as the game went on. Each move Wheatys character on the screen did the less PieFace could move. It had been a record setting 3 hours & they were only on round 2. PieFace was on the floor, leaning against the arcade game when she heard those life saving words Finish Him! & soon after she felt the arms of Wheaty around her, lifting to her feet once again. Come on PieFace, we got the map - lets go - lets go! she said excited as they ran from the arcade & towards the forest that stood just on the other side of the highway. They stopped just at the entrance of a path, which on the map was labeled as SkutterHole Park. Wheaty went over the map one last time - but was quickly interrupted by PieFace vomiting over & over. She collapsed on the ground falling unconscious.
Oh ****! Wheaty hollered out as she tried to revive her friend but nothing happened. She was still breathing but she wasnt moving at all. Wheaty kneeled next to her for a few minutes - she had to make a decision, she had to decide between her best friend & pirate ****. Within minutes she was dragging PieFaces limp body underneath a large pine tree. With a kiss on the cheek she was off - back on the search for some pirate sex. She was saddened that PieFace couldnt join her in the sexing of many small pirates but then again, she did warn her not to eat that sandwich last night.
The path seemed to go on & on forever, each twist & turn revealed another twist & turn. She got the map under a bit of moonlight & checked it again. She was going the right way, so she decided to trek on. Moments later she could see a patch of light excited she bolted for it, hoping it was the way to the ship - sadly upon arrival, it wad nothing more than a field. But this field was no ordinary field, she sensed something was different. She stood there still, listening for anything that could possibly help her find what was out there. & then there it was a god damn goat the thing mustve been 6 feet tall & running for her. She let out a girly squeal before bolting towards her left. Three, four, five huge sprints & there was another one, nearly biting her thin little arm off. She spotted a section of woods with a clearing, she had to run for it - she couldnt let them trap her & jab her with their hooves. She just kept running & running - not stopping to take a break or to look back - she couldnt or the giant goats might have caught her.
She finally found refuge behind a huge overturned tree. She had been running for almost an hour, there was no way those giant stinky things had been able to keep up with her. Reaching back for the map, she realized it was missing - ****; she mustve dropped it in the scramble from the goats. Now shed have to find the ship all on her own. She didnt want to waste any time & headed off down the path she had been running. While walking she looked through the trees & down paths for the giant lights that she imagined would have to accompany a ship of that size. She had almost lost all hope but as if some sort of sign from above she saw it a sign from above, a giant arrow pointing to the left that said This Way to Pirate Ship. She let out a huge Yee-haw & ran towards the ship - clicking her heels along the way.
This ship was bigger than she had imagined, it was easily 5 stories high - she looked around for the entrance & quickly found it. As she made it for the door she could hear soft moaning sounds & the occasional grunt here & there. She knew she had reached the right place. She opened the door & headed up the giant set of stairs - her imagination ran wild. All she could think about were the pirates that would be inside. Big ones, small ones, fat ones, skinny ones, tall ones - maybe one of each or maybe all at the same time. Her head was about to explode from all the possibilities & then she opened the door - her hopes were crushed like a plane crashing down on a small house. There were no pirates, no one moaning & groaning from the sex - just old old people groaning from their creaking bones as they attempted to roll those huge black balls at the little white pins.
This wasnt even a real pirate ship, Wheaty stepped inside taking a colder look - this was a ******* retirement home for those old smelly pieces of **** people called the elderly. She felt her self getting angrier & angrier by the second. All this bullshit so she could see a bunch of blue haired old farts act like dumbasses. That last thought pushed over the edge, she couldnt take it anymore. The closest person was a small old lady that couldnt have weighed more than 80 pounds. With a quick karate kick, the old lady was sent to the ground with amazing force - her bones almost crumbling on impact. Gasps filled the air as everyone turned there attention to the mayhem that had begun. She didnt stop there; she brought the hurt down on the next three closest grandparents. Drop kicking the first old bastard she saw - his teeth flying one way - him going the other way. The rest of them attempted to scramble for the exits - but they were too slow - she caught most of them & when she did, she whipped ass. Back breakers, suplexs, ball shots - you name it, she did it. Within 15 minutes the place looked like a massacre - false teeth & Depends were everywhere. With one last look around the room, the crazed Wheaty took off - the police mustve heard there screams for help - she could hear the sirens.
Once in the woods, she has to worry about those enormous goats again - she didnt know who had bred them, but that was just ******* insane - who would want giant goats? Honestly. She cut through the woods instead of going down the paths, she didnt want to be seen by the cops - but she also needed to get back to PieFace before it was too late.
She found PieFace still face down underneath the tree, luckily she was still breathing. Wheaty leaned down & rolled her over; she had grabbed something from the bowling party - before she had scrambled off. Reaching into the pocket of her skin tight jeans she pulled out a can of diced peaches. She lifted PieFaces head & then popped the can open. PieFace devoured the can of sweet syrupy goodness - and after a small amount of coughing & wheezing stood upright - almost as if she had never been sick. Wheaty threw the can to the ground & took PieFaces hands. They were off to the arcade once more, they were not going to go to all this trouble & not get some Pirate ****, it just wouldnt be right.
It had only taken them a total of 5 seconds to convince him to take the two lovely ladies back to his motel room. How could he pass them up, Wheaty with her long dark brown hair - in her Happy Bunny t-shirt & tight jeans. PieFace looked great too, bright pink Mohawk, black hoody & torn jeans. His motel had only been down the street, the three of them made it up to his room. PieFace wanted it first - and with a quick wink; the pirate said he had something for her. He began to unscrew his peg-leg & then he shut the door, leaving the three of them to have a night full of wild & crazy pirate sex.
The End ... or is it?
Copyright 2008 Justin Carminati
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