My vices and my desire

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I wake up this morning thinking I'm free. Only I find out I'm still a slave. I'm in my own nirvana. I feel nothing, I am nothing. I'm a slave to nothing. No, I'm just a slave to nirvana.

When I was open and honest about my feelings for her, I was angry. Atleast I felt something. Now I feel nothing. You know there are people who want to aspire to feel nothing, to be nothing. Why?

I only wish she could see into my eyes and see how I feel about her. To spare me of saying anything, for I am in denile. 

I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't claim to make sense.

This morning I went to church and I saw her. I tried my best to say nothing to her and I believe I succeeded. I try to avoid, at all cost, looking into her eyes.

She has the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Her olive colored skin makes me tingle. The smell of her hair makes me dizzy.

For some reason I'm not attracted to her sexualy. I mean I'm attracted to women. God knows I've been with more than I should have. I would say my sexual appetite is more than the average guy.

Like every guy seduced by life, I have my vices. Some have blow, me, I have sex. I for one believe that sex is the best alternative to cocaine, heroin, weed, pain killers, tranquilizers, liquor. I tell you what, you name it, sex is better.

I mean sure I've done lines, popped oxycotton, smoked a joint, never shot heroin (but hey there's a first time for everything). Sex, however, has given me a much more fulfilling high than any recreational substance i have done. It's much more thrillering. I feel that sex provides a much safer high. Every time I did a line, I felt like I was playing a game of russian roulet, and thank god I was lucky. But, sex is safe, ofcourse you need protection. I maybe a sex addict but I'm not an idiot.

Sometimes I wish I were dead. Sometimes I wish I didn't say anything when I took all those pills. I wish I were free of my addictions, free of her.

I love her, but god knows I should never have her. I would only demean her more than she already feels. 

God, I wish you would kill me and spare the world of me. Spare her of me. 

I shouldn't have to tell you this doesn't make sense.  

Comments (7)

Posted by R.E.Potter 04-13-2008 15:57,   ,,, Like everything in life...its its fun and good, its probally gonna kill ya...liked the story.   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by Dirkin 04-13-2008 17:34,   ... why is allways the fun things that are addictive? You dont see people getting addicted to taxes or slow moving traffic (if you do there may be something wrong with them)   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by resistanceisfreedom 04-13-2008 18:15,   ... yea it seems as though we do get addicted to what we know is wrong or at least i have but this had alot of passion. i definitiley enjoyed it.   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by thirteen 04-13-2008 21:31,   ... Neat story Billy.   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by lorislittlesecret 04-14-2008 09:39,   ... Sex is it's own drug..the most natural high we can give ourselves. Great story about the torment of addiction.   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by Roadkill315 04-21-2008 10:25,   ... Addicted to what? Good work, itself, addictive, no?   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...   Posted by 1800 04-21-2008 10:57,   ... Force a man to abstain from sex and watch the withdrawal symptoms tear him apart...   » Report this comment to administrator » Reply to this comment...

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