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I descend the ladder and glance over my shoulder as I do. Across the room I spot my friend, and she is sitting watching television. I think the TV has something to do with March Madness, but I only see it briefly as I am preoccupied with my descent. I fold up the ladder wordlessly; the only noises being the clangs of the metal and the flooding voice of Dick Vitale.

My task was to replace a light in my living room. Very a much a ‘man job.’ It had burnt out a few days ago, but was the most important light in my house. I ate under it, watched TV under it, read and studied under it, and sometimes slept under it. Today was my first real chance to get around to replacing it. An eight minute job turned forty-five by the time it was done. I didn’t have the right wattage. I only had ones too bright, or colored. So I drove to the hardware store and the salesman convinced me to buy the special long lasting bulb or something. He said it would last me fifty years, and it saves energy. I just bought it because I didn’t want to ever have to change this bulb again.

It also required me borrowing my father’s ladder. I had no purpose for one, and my vaguely furnished apartment contained no high chairs. To change this one light, it took a lot of work.

I walk back into the living room and wait for her praise. She doesn’t budge at my entrance but I know she’s aware of it.

‘So, want me turn on this light for you?’ I ask her.

‘Huh?’

‘The light. I don’t know, it’s a little glum in here.’

The room could have used the light. But it was also well lit. The low sun in the late afternoon was well blocked by clouds. The day was overcast but fairly bright considering. No rain. Just wind. It really made no difference.

‘Oh, I guessed that you wanted it on’

I move my fingers for the light-switch. On their way to it, I realize she gave me neither a positive or a negative answer. She didn’t tell me if she wanted any extra light. I stand still and wonder if there was a different interpretation to her words. Nope, she was just being indecisive. I want the light on, but she doesn’t seem to care. So why should I?

I go and sit near her on the couch. Close, but not too closely. I watch the basketball recap with her. Several minutes pass. I’m a sports nut, but basketball never did it for me. I like baseball. And hockey. Anyway, I slowly understand how the college basketball brackets work out and a commercial hits.

‘I thought you were going to turn the light on,’ my friend says.

I sigh and get up and walk around to the light-switch which is positioned behind the couch. She can’t see me from here. I grab the toggle switch and before I pull it, I realize that again she didn’t tell me if she wanted the light on or off. So I stand there for a moment, and decide to leave the room. I would look dumb if I got up to turn the overhead light on, and sat down having not completed my only task. So I walk and grab a drink of water from the kitchen and return with it just as the basketball show begins again.

She doesn’t say anything about the light. I can’t tell if her silence is from the basketball show and all her attention is focused there, or if she doesn’t care about the light. So I sit and get back into the basketball show. At first it is pretty interesting, but then they change it up and do a back story on some player and how he balances team commitment with academics. I don’t care, but my friend is enthused. I roll my eyes to focus on the new light. The truth is that I don’t even know if it will work. I already dismantled and moved the ladder. I should have tested it. If it doesn’t work, that means that I will have to be going back up on that ladder to take it out. Maybe it was defective. So one light is going to cost me another trip to the hardware store? Where the bullshit salesman is going to tell me that he doesn’t understand, but maybe if I bought the even more expensive light, one that would give me seventy-five years, I could have avoided this problem. This time I’ll tell him to shut-up.

The fact that I have no idea if this light will even work bothers me most, not the shadows of the living room. It’s actually peaceful. I need to know if it works for me. I put a lot of effort into this light. I need to know now.

I stand up in the middle of the interview, obviously restless. I walk swiftly towards the light switch prepared to make its maiden enlightenment. I grab the switch…and stop. I don’t turn it on. I think about how if she did want the light on, she would have said something. But maybe she is shy. She says she is. But I don’t want to ruin the aura of the room with a light if she doesn’t want a light. So I go back and return to my seat.

‘I can tell this light thing is bothering you,’ my friend tells me upon my arrival onto the couch.

I don’t say anything and the basketball show has regained its entertainment value. It is on only briefly and another round of commercials follow. We have a conversation about a movie that is coming out soon. She apparently wants to see it. I haven’t heard about it and she tells me a little about it. I say that I’ll look for the trailer. At this point, the light has been completely forgotten about through the conversation. When the show begins again, we end our talk abruptly and our focus is diverted towards the television once more.

Somewhere between the best college dunkers and the most likely to get drafted by the NBA, I remember my light. I wonder if she is thinking about it as much as I am. She has to. It is almost an unspoken joke. I know that she has to be thinking about it. She came with me to get the light bulb when I got it at the hardware store. She threw the old one away too. My friend is purposely not addressing the situation, but she knows my distress. I want the light on, but the living room is shared turf at the moment, and I won’t turn it on if she doesn’t want it to be on. Hell, I can’t turn it on.

The light is my agony. I still question if it will light up. I’m staring at it without regard. I stand up and walk back to the light switch once again.

‘Do you want this on or not? Because I need to know one way or the other.’ I demand of her.

‘Well, I think I could use it being on, but right now it shouldn’t be on’ she replies.

So is she eventually going to have a use for this light? Maybe this light won’t be here for her to use when she is ready, I think to myself. But that would be silly. I would have to completely move out of my apartment for that scenario to arise. And she may want it on later tonight. She kills me. I look at her, stone faced, and she doesn’t move.

I want the light tested I guess. That is all. I want to see if I did my task correctly and make sure the light, well, lights. That the parts are compatible. That the bulb isn’t damn defective.

She continues watching her basketball show. I sit on the floor below the light switch about to lose my mind. I can deal with the light being off. Really I can. But I also know that pushing this would cause any bulb to break. So I’ll wait as she makes up her mind.

Keyword: Over My Head

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