A Purple Dusk, Chapter 0

A truck drives out through the flat bottom lands...

The Exorcism of Oprah Winfrey

I hear her voice call out my name and I sigh....

My Love.
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Written by Nate Stanford   
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
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I come to you, my love.

With a dear, but severe request.

End this hapless life of mine, my love.

If you really loved me, you'd put that bullet through my chest.

 

I hope to leave you soon, my love.

But always remember a last word.

Its about Life, Love, and Liberty, my love.

Give me my freedoms like a high soaring bird.

 

You are not at fault, my love.

You weren't the one who did this.

I will give you a parting gift, my love.

I have nothing to give but a kiss.

 

Now that I have left this world, my love.

My eyes are upon you, from farther than the moon.

If you could give me one more thing, my love.

It would be to come and join me soon. 

 

 

 



Copyright 2008 Nate Stanford
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Comments (3)
Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-03-25 23:44:27
i tried

but i couldn't find a rhythm in this. which, many will tell you - doesn't really mean anything in the real world.

i found myself parsing it, and writing it differently - it seems like it wobbles a bit.

don't get me wrong, i really liked reading it - some of the lines would be great alone on a page, if they were all there was to read. there are parts that are really stirring, a good transfer of energy.
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Posted by gsaracen
2008-03-26 06:12:17
hey!

looking good... but I agree with tarhead... It would benefit from more rythm and better flow, perhaps.

Also, when using something like "my love" "my dearest" or referring to flowers and valleys etc. you have to try extra hard to make them work in the context of the poem.

This is because they are cliches. To overcome the cliche-ness you really have to be careful to really make them work, or to make the poem work in-spite of them. In a few cases it's best to actually avoid them.

But keep writing! experiment!
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Posted by CELL
2008-04-17 09:47:07
....

You changed tenses in the first stanza; should have kept it all in the present (i.e. "If you really loved me, you'd put that bullet through my chest." would have worked better if it were, "If you really love me, you'll put that bullet through my chest.")

Also you're overusing the words, "my love." It's almost exhausting.

I'll read the rest of your stuff though.
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