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My Diseased ChildhoodThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by P.C. Atwell | |
| Sunday, 23 March 2008 | |
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Share it:      I love thunderstomrs. They remind me of childhood nights. During the storm I would sit on the front porch with my mom. Together we would listen to the rain and the tunder, watching for the flashes of lightning though the threes. After the rain had mostly stopped my father would take us kids outside into the yard to collect the earthworms squirming out of their rain filled tunnels. It was fun for us. We would test our quickness against the worm's. The gooey, slippery body often slipping though our fingers, but when we caought one, it was a testament to man's triumph over nature. Dad would hold out a red tin foldger's coffee can to hold them in. The next nice day, we would go fishing at the state lakes where he would teach us how to bait our own hooks with the prisioners from the coffe can. There were also the Parks and Rec. baseball leauges. Sunshine, dirt, the occasional twank as I struck a ball into outfield and the cheers of my family, urging me to run faster. I always played on the same team as my cousin Jared. We were close, we did almost everyting together, and liked all the same things. This was evident in our high school years as well when Jared enlisted in the Army and I myself into the Marine Corps a year later. Those were the good memories of my childhood. The ones that I would give anything to relive again and again. But despite all the good times I had as a child it was one bad memory that would damage my personal and social devolopment for the rest of my life. I don't remember exactly how old I was when it happened. It was somewhere between second and third grade. I was riding my Lizard King bicycle up and down my street. The bright green hand grips and seat were designed like the skin of a lizard and the frame was dark grey that was speckled with white and black. My brother's friend rode up to me on his own bike. "Hey, do you want to see something cool?" "Somethings cool?! YEAH!" I cried. OF course I wante to see some thing cool, what little boy doesn't? I wanted to be cool. I followed him to the other side of the block where he lived and followed him to his shed. There he opened up his fishing tackle box box, but instead of pulling out the worlds greatest lue for fish, he pulled out the worlds best lure for men. Nake women. Smack dab in the middle of the face of playing cards. I didn't know what I was looking at, but if Michael said it was cool, then I wasn't going to question it. After he showed me the playing cards we went inside to see something else cool. From underneath his bed he pulled out magazines of more naked women. This was cool. Next we started to draw pictures of the neighbor lady naked and thats when his sister walked into the room. "What are you doing?" she asked "Nothing, get out of my room" Michael replied as we tried to hide our leud pictures from her. "Let me see!" she demanded as she yanked my picture from me. "MOM! Michael is drawing dirty pictures!" When Michael's mom saw the pictures she grabbed michael by theear and stat him down in the dining room chair to have a stern talk with him. "Did you draw these pictures with Michaels?" she asked me before tearing into him. "Yes." I replied sheepishly. I was oblivious to the sin we had been commiting for the sake of being cool. I just knew we got caught being cool. "Did you want to draw these pictures, or did he make you draw them?" "He made me." I picked from from my two choices
A week or so later I saw Michael again. "I forgot to tell you about sex" Sex? what is sex? I bet it's cooler than looking at those pictures. "Sex is awesome, when a boy and a girl have sex the boy puts his wiener in the girls *****, when two girls have sex, they rub each other together, but when two boys have sex they do it in the butt. "Cool" was my only response. Sex is cool, I want to have sex I learned how to have sex, or at least knew that, whatever it was, was the coolest thing ever. And like all little boys, I would do whatever it took to be cool. The next ten years of my life was plauged with homosexual interactions with my friends and cousins (we knew nothing about incest). The earliest memories I have are from third grad when my friend, Tyler, and I would sit in the coat closet during reading time, pull down our pants and touch each other. In my later years of grade school I began the rift growing between the other kids in school and my friends and me. We were touching ourselves and each other while the other kids were playing football and video games. We didn't care though, both Joe's step-dad and mom didn't get home from work until late so we would go to his house and look up porn, masturbate together, and each other, among other things. I was a year older than both Joe and Austin so when I moved up to the junior high school I began to grow apart from them both. That didn't stop me from masturbating though. There were the occasional nights when Austin would spend the night. And all the while in self denial about my homosexuality. I liked girls, I always had but it was much easier getting what I wanted from Austin or Joe. In eighth grade I was unhappy with myself and angry at the world because of it. I was constantly yelling at my family and getting in fights with my siblings. Masturbation was my only way to get rid of it all, but it never did. Eventually I started to pursue a more active faith and stepping into a personal relationship with Chist. It helped, but I wasn't cured. I still couldn't weed the sexual sin out of my life. I prayed for forgiveness every time I got done masturbating and wondered where this "new being in Christ" was. I thought God would take my sins from me, help me in my struggles but he seemed to remain impersonal even through a search for a personal faith. Nineth grad is when I slumped to the bottom. I began shoving objects into my own rectum while masturbating for more pleasure. That phase didn't last long for me. I had lost touch completely with Joe, though I had learned that he now openly confesses his homosexuality. Austin was having family troubles and my parents would let him stay over when he needed a place to stay. In the early years, I never fully understood the sin and shame in what I was doing. I just knew that it felt good, being cool was no longer relevant. By the time my last experience with homosexuality happend I realized how sinful and disgusting it truely was. My last time engaged in homosexuality was with Austin. It was my first time giving oral sex, but it just felt so wrong putting his penis in my mouth. That night was the end of my homosexuality, but I could not be removed of my "sexual enlightenment". It dominated my life, speech, thought, actions, every minute of every day. Just after christmas of my freshman year of high school I lost my virginity to my girlfriend at the time, Ashley. Sex was cool again. I knew that sex with girls was acceptable but shunned outside of marraige. That only amplified my sexual habits even more and my struggle with the sin continues on. I struggle with it daily and am constantly reminded me of the crippling disease that infected my psychological and sociological development as a child and into this present day. I pray that Joe, Austin, and the others that I infected with this disease can only forgive me for what I exposed them to. I never will be able to. Copyright 2008 P.C. Atwell |
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