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I Learned to Live AgainThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Rowena | |
| Tuesday, 18 March 2008 | |
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Share it:      Months and months have passed. But every memory of mine was so clear. It seemed just yesterday I was holding my daughter between my knees doing her hair. She was so fussy about her hair. It used to take me ages to do her hair but as soon as I turned my back on her I would find the bands and clips on the floor and I would laugh about it and tickle her till she said mummy can you do my hair again. Today seemed bit different though, I smiled at her naughty thoughts but not form my heart. I was on my way to the registry. San and his family were already there waiting for me. I had lost my daughter in a car accident 2 years ago. She was killed instantly. My husband had forgotten to put her seat belts on and why would he remember. He was so drunk. Just minutes earlier he forcefully took my daughter from my sister’s arms and ended up in a terrible accident. Never in my life I would forget those moments. Wish I were there that particular day. Things would have been so different today. Climbing the registry stairs I looked towards San. Why would I be even marrying him? I have known his family for ages but marrying was just out of question. San’s wife left him for another man a year ago. He seemed to be so relaxed and his eyes were shining. There was something about that smile that I didn’t like. He seemed to have been forced to stand there and smile at me. I was so engrossed with my daughter’s memories that I seemed to ignore them all and walk past them.
Just than my friend yelled, where you think you going lady. You husband to be is here. Embarrassed I turned back and stood with San’s family. Everyone seemed to be talking at once. San came closer to me and whispered, so here we go again. Hope you ready for this. I smiled back reluctantly; here we go again I repeated as if I was a trained parrot. The wedding ceremony was short and sweet. Just exchange of rings and signing of the legal documents. We not here for long, said San’s dad. Our flight back to home is at 3 and we need to check out of the hotel. San’s family had come to Toronto a week earlier. They came to talk to me and get his son married and settled with me. I was in such a furious state that I hardly spent time with them. It seemed they were trying to erase my daughter’s memories from me. Time quickly went pass. We rushed through lunch, had their luggage checked out of the hotel, San sorted his bags, as he was not going back to Paris and in no time we were at the airport kissing and hugging each other good-bye. San’s mum kept telling me to be happy and keep his son happy, as if he was a baby and needed to be looked after. I managed to fake a smile at her and waved good-bye. There was so sense in us staying at the airport and wait for the flight to leave. We walked to the car and drove towards home. After a long silence San finally said, you seem to know the streets so well. I smiled and thought to myself what a question as I had spent my entire life there. Hope he doesn’t start a conversation, as I was just not I a mood to talk. Once home I was even more stressed as I was so used to living alone and San’s sudden presence in the house was annoying. San was taking the bags out of the car and I walked straight into the house and switched on the kettle. You want some tea, I asked San as he walked in with his bags. Yes please, said San and I take two sugars and where can I leave the bags he asked. The visitor’s room downstairs and the other two rooms upstairs are all empty and you can have any of those rooms, I replied. Once I had said that I realised what I had just said. We just got married today and I am telling him he can have the spare room rather than telling him to move into my deluxe master bedroom. It was like I had let out a bullet and there was no coming back. San never came down for tea that afternoon. He was up in his room all afternoon and I was feeling miserable. I prepared dinner and waited for him to come down and eat with me but there was no sign of him.I finally gathered enough courage to face him, after my disastrous sentence earlier, and knocked on the door. He didn’t answer so I helped myself in the bedroom, after all that was my house so why would I be even knocking for him to give me permission to enter the room. There was water running in the bathroom so that’s why he didn’t answer the door, I thought to myself. As I was leaving the room he walked out of the shower looking fresh and very dashing in the white towel wrapped really low on his waist. I just came to check and ask you to join me for dinner, trying hard not to fail again with the words that come out of my mouth and avoiding not looking below his chest. He smiled and said he would be downstairs in five minutes. Dinner was simple and there was dead silence. I finally broke the silence, San I am sorry for telling you to use the empty rooms upstairs. I was not thinking too well, he smiled and carried with his dinner. After dinner he lite the fire place and made us coffee. We were just sitting there staring at the fire and finally San said you don’t have to sleep with me. We both have gone through a lot and we both shouldn’t rush into things. Since you are on a months break, he continued why don’t you take me around Toronto. I smiled back and told him I would do that. I excused myself and went upstairs. I quickly had my shower got into my pyjamas and as I opened the door San gave me a fright. I have locked up the place, he said. Do you need anything from downstairs? I quickly said no and turned around avoiding eye contact with him. A week had gone after the wedding; we were still sleeping in separate rooms and having separate lives. San was very helpful around the house and he was extremely good in the kitchen. He would cook and tidy and he was really good at it. If I was standing in his way he would put his hands on my hips and would ask me to move this way and that and his touch was so gentle and loving. Finally came Saturday and as promised I took San for site seeing. We stopped to watch ducks at a pond and it was freezing. I went out of the car and San joined in and I accidentally wrapped my hands around him and snuggled to him. When I realised what I had done I quickly let go him and went back to the car. There was not much to see in winter, I told him trying hard not to look at him as he was just looking at me and his eyes were full of love. Everything is just covered with snow. Soon there was heavy snow and we rushed back home. I put on my snow boots and took the shovel to clear the snow from the footpath. When I walked back in the house San was shocked. Where had you been, he asked. I looked for you everywhere in the house. The snow was to be removed from the footpath and the driveway so I was outside clearing it, I replied. Why couldn’t you just tell me to do that he said with some anger in his voice. You must be cold he said, come in and I will get you something warm to drink and wear. In no time he prepared hot chocolate for me and got me warm blanket and I snuggled up at the fireplace on the floor. San walked around for a little while and after sometime he came to sit next to me. I was feeling weird and my heart was pumping very hard. I was feeling stupid but I wanted him closer to me. He did move closer, as if he knew what I was thinking or what my heart wanted, he was so close that I could feel his breath on my neck. I leaned towards him, resting part of my body on his chest and my head on his shoulders. He gently kissed me on my neck and soon we were passionately kissing each other. It was a long kiss and I was basically on the floor in front of the fireplace and he was over me holding me tightly. Just than the phone rang, it was his parents. They made fun of him, saying that he didn’t even bother to call to check on them whether they arrived home or no. They spoke to me and I gave the phone to San and went upstairs to shower and change into something warmer. When I walked out of the shower, I quickly ran towards my dressing drawer in my gown, it was cold and I needed warm clothes so badly. I ran straight into San knocking him over. We both laughed and I told him that I was running to get clothes and that’s what I have been doing for ages during winter times. The laughing stopped and San came close to me and started kissing me again. If I am here and you getting cold well that’s a shame on me, he whispered to me. He kissed me on the neck and his hands worked on my gown, which finally fell to the floor. In no time we were in the bed making passionate love. His kisses and way he touched my body was full of passion and lust. Everything felt so great when I got up to dress and go down for dinner. I felt my body felt so relaxed. I felt his kisses on my lips and I kept wiping them. It somehow felt odd, being kissed after such a along time. Dinner was again quite, I was hardly looking at him, and I was just eating and playing with the food. Everything felt so odd. It was so hard to face him, with the lights on. I felt guilty and had a strange feeling, it seemed that I had just gone through a one-night stand situation. After dinner San checked on the snow and we went to bed. As I walked into my room I didn’t look at San. I rushed into the room and jumped into the bed leaving the door open. I did want San to join me, but strange feelings were running through me. I feel asleep thinking about my encounter with him earlier that afternoon. It seemed I had been sleeping for ages, when I got up to grab a glass of water around 11. I noticed my bed was empty. San didn’t come to sleep with me. I felt worse thinking what must have gone through his mind when I ignored him and rushed to my room. I quickly finished the water and went to check on him. As I walked in he jumped up on the bed, are you all right he asked? I replied yes and as I was leaving the room he came and grabbed me by my hips. I came to your room, he said as he kissed me on my forehead, but were fast asleep. His cold lips touched my neck and my soft and warm lips and soon we were kissing. Come to bed he whispered while kissing me. In no time once again I was naked and was making desperate love to San. Next morning I woke up lying next to San. As I opened my eyes I saw him looking at me. His hands lay across my naked breast; there was a smile of satisfaction on his face. So are you inviting me to your room or are you going to bring your stuff over to this room, he said smiling. I smiled back and turned around. What’s wrong he asked, are you not getting out of the bed today? I just ignored him and dozed off to sleep again. Jumped out of the bed when San’s cold hands touched my thighs. So you still not in your clothes he said, were you waiting for me? He told me he was outside clearing the snow and everything outside is just covered with snow and that it would be a bad idea to go anywhere that particular Sunday morning. As he was completing his sentence he took off his clothes and jumped in the bed. It was nearly lunchtime and we were still in bed. I had started to feel comfortable with him. I realised that he was so gentle and patient with me. He was always in good mood and never complained about anything. Things were done around the house without even me asking for it. He would wake up and sleep with me and he never left the room without letting me know first as what he was going to do. Soon my leave was over and during that time San had found a job. Things were so beautiful with San by my side. He was loving and never boring. He always kept me happy and entertained. I never thought that I would ever be able to enjoy life again but San made such a huge difference and made me restart my life with much more fun and love. Copyright 2008 Rowena |
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| Last Updated ( Tuesday, 18 March 2008 ) |
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