Posted by alfred
2008-03-16 19:40:47
hmmm
I dont think I understood this...sorry.
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Posted by gsaracen
2008-03-16 20:06:04
is it...
is it that seeing him is too painful? hmmm....genuine emotion there. You might wanna concentrate more on the form than the content...after all...it is poetry, but anything you like is your expression!
Try a bit more flow and rythm... less prosaic and complete sentences in the verses? Or not! Poetry is self expression!
Keep it up.
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Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-03-16 20:24:06
for the sake of
chivalry...
good line - good end.
write on!
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Posted by Theia of many names
2008-03-17 11:29:32
....
im sorry i need to clarify my words better.
this story was about a love that broke my heart by sleeping with another. i hate him for it, and everytime i look at him i remember the good times and memories that we had.
did i help clarify?
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Posted by Pez
2008-03-17 12:31:58
Good job.
I'm afraid I'm at a loss too (hehe).
BUT the first stanza did remind me of the old saying, "If you fail to plan you're planning to fail." Oi, I have to get that through my head!
The first stanza transmits a fear of thinking about the events yet to come. This person sort of lives in the present. Thinking about one's future is a scary and stressful thing, but it sadly has to be done at times... I must change my improvising and procrastinating ways!
Uhh, sorry if I strayed (I do that sometimes).
Your poems are so nostalgic by the way... Don't think that in order for a poem to be deep and meaningful it has to be sad (I don't think the core of your persona is that way... but I dunno).
I can sense potential.
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