|
|
|
Another Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure |
| Written by Alyreche | |
| Wednesday, 23 May 2007 | |
|
Share it:     
It seems so far away but I can remember the first time I thought actually that I was in love with a guy. In my world I have been in love at least four times but in reality I can only remember that one moment where my world became his and my regrets came to order. Let’s take it back a lil bit where being fifteen years old was so much fun and definitely a life lesson. My name is Zoë Thomas and this is my story about life, lessons and basically all a girl’s obstacles to becoming a woman. Character's name in this story was changed due to confidential matters. As time went by Sam and I became very close but his attraction to me became an obsession and his obsession soon turned to domination. As a fifteen year old girl I had no idea a man could love a woman so intensely but it frightened me as well. I began to except the fact that it was ok for a man to grab and pull on a woman. My relationship with Sam did become sexual but not in the way you think. I had never had sexual intercourse so we decided that other loving and other experiments were ok. I had no clue a woman could feel such a exciting feeling from a man putting his mouth on her private but he had me and I couldn’t leave him. I was still a child at heart but with Sam I felt like a woman at first because he did things with me that I had never done before. Our kisses were so passionate that sometimes I felt as if I were married to him. Even though our parents didn’t approve, Sam and I were still together and we planned on spending the rest of our lives with each other. Sam actually graduated in freshman year so he was to leave me that fall to go to John Jay University but Sam decided to skip that dream and make another one and that entailed a lower rank school with less to offer. I really didn’t want it to go like that and with a talk from his parents I knew what I had to do. Sam didn’t want to leave me alone and it hurt me so much to shut him away but I couldn’t let anyone destroy dreams because of a premature relationship. I really cared for Sam but his feelings were dangerous and Sam’s love for me became so obsessive that he threatening to kill himself. This was not my future and so I ended it and went back to being that normal single teenager in High School. Little did I know normal was not next for me but just another step into another intense love. Now I thought fifteen was extreme but sixteen was even more intense. I finally got a car and I got a job so I was occupying myself. Sam had pretty much faded and we actually became friends eventually. He know has a son and is married living a pretty good life. Working in the mall was fun because I got a chance to see everyone and it was basically school but I was getting paid to come there. I see a lot of familiar faces and who would know the next one I’d see wouldn’t be in the mall but for the next couple of months. My sister Celine had a friend named Shane and she had a brother names Jamal. Jamal was an ex-marine that came back to the stated to live with his parents. He was 24 and I kind of liked his bad boy attitude. I had what you call a crush on him so when I went with my sister to Shane’s house I would always make eye contact with him. One day we are all relaxing at Shane’s house and Jamal and I catch an eye moment and we both knew what it was from there. I loved being around Jamal because he was so sensitive and so sexy. I used to have these tantrums so he would kind of come to my rescue and cuddle with me to make me feel better. Jamal and I became very close and I thought I was in love for a minute but as time went by reality kicked in. Mind you I am now sixteen years old and I’m feeling that I can do anything even sneak a boy in my room. One night after my parents dozed off, I decided that Jamal could come over for a night cap but it didn’t go as planned. I wanted to take the relationship to another level but when we tried to have sex, it was too uncomfortable and we decided on other pleasures. Jamal made me feel good as well as Sam and the way he ate chicken was unforgettable. I was an open teenager that loved her some Jamal and I was never leaving him no matter what. Our relationship went ok but he was older than me and more mature so he led me down a path that ended up feeling like dejavue. Jamal also became domineering and I did think it was a little cute and sexy so I didn’t try and correct it. As a girl I thought he loved me and he could do what he wanted to do because he was my boyfriend. I feel that now as I look back on some of these relationships, that I was looking for something in these men that hasn’t shown yet or been there at all and I think it was a dad. I lost my father when I was eight years old to drugs and mental abuse. Even though my mom married a good man, apart of me was still empty from that loss. Celine and I weren’t that close but she knew of the disturbing things I was going through and she could only help as much as I would let her. I now see it is important for a parent to give a child a happy and balanced home surrounded by happy and healthy thoughts because it can end up scarring your child or destroying them. Jamal and I began to fall apart into our fifth month and even though we were having four play sex, I guess it ended up not being enough to keep him. After six months we finally called it quits. He had cheated on me with another woman who later he found out was HIV positive. He was drinking and one thing led to another. I don’t know if it truly hurt me because I cried but the next couple of days I was back to myself and I had let go of that life and said goodbye to Jamal. I realize now that it wasn’t love but it was a deep lust that lasted as long as it could. Jamal and I didn’t talk for a while until one summer at his parents house, I was there for a barbeque and he and his fiancée were there with there son. The woman he cheated on me with had gotten pregnant and they got engaged. I was truly happy for him and I knew that he was not the one for me. Well there’s a time for everything and my time right now is to be alone. I graduated finally from High School and I worked for a while and gathered my thoughts on down to NC to go to college and work as a dog groomer. I loved animals and I had a certificate in dog grooming so I worked as a groomer part-time and went to NCU fulltime. I lived with my Nana who is my paternal grandmother and also unbearable at times. I was on a path to find myself but I knew I couldn’t do it in her house so I decided to stay with some family in another part of NC and try out living arrangements there. I love my Nana and I thank her everyday for her love and help but sometimes you have to go out and find your way on your own. I met my next relationship that turned out to be the hell of my last two. My cousin Jamie is one of my favorite cousins and she also the woman I came down to stay with. A typical day in Warrenton was hanging out at Willeby’s or just sitting in the nearest family’s living room kicking back and enjoying good times. Jamie has a boyfriend named Thomas but we called him Tim for short and he hung around a lot of guys. One guy particular that seemed taken by me was named Chris but they called him Choo for short and our first meeting wouldn’t be my cup of tea. I’m coming into the house one day and Chris just kisses me like I’m his wife and I became so upset that he backed off immediately. I didn’t know it then but the next 101/2 months Chris would turn me and my life upside down. Chris was seven years older than me, see the pattern? He was not my type at all but I wanted to try something different for a change. Chris wanted me as his and off the back and I was literally! Chris didn’t hide his abuse towards me at all and he was very domineering. I could leave him alone but it seems that I was drawn to bad guys and I became that type of woman that excepted domestic violence. Now that I am eighteen years old and I am still with Chris and managing being on my own in a new state without the help of my parents. After almost a year of waiting, Chris and I took our relationship to another level and had sex. I was no longer a virgin and I was definitely a woman inside. The sex wasn’t exactly what I expected and I felt like I had wasted my time because I would have rather him ate my chicken. Losing my virginity made me feel like I really was grown and I could do what I wanted but little did I know that doing that deed tied me to Chris in an obsessive web. I began to act very cold and mean to the point where I started to hate myself and my happy moments began to turn sad. I had begun to lose weight excessively and couldn’t stop. Chris had made me unhappy and even though I was only eighteen I had began to look older because of lack of sleep and stress. How does an eighteen year old girl get away from an obsessive twenty-four year old? I had no clue but I knew that day would eventually come. Chris and I made several moves and when I say that, I mean from North Carolina and that was from my town Warrenton to his town Greenville and then to New York. Moving to New York was a huge experience and after weeks of arguments and aggravation I knew that Chris and I were not each other’s soul mates. I was looking for that in a man but I had not found it yet. Even though I was just a child at heart, I didn’t act so much like one. I wanted my family one day and my house with the white fence. Our relationship had ended but before it did I had went through a lot of bullshit meaning jail, an abortion and almost a homicide. I think a woman should always go with her gut feelings first and I didn’t. The relationship I had with Chris was definitely a life lesson also because it taught me to fight for myself instead of sitting back letting someone dominate and control me. That trait I picked up would soon teach me and I would regret. After finally breaking it off with Chris, I felt relieved but also hurt because I knew that Chris loved me in a way that I would never love him and I didn’t like to feel that way. I would speak to him on the phone at first because it is hard to let go but one day when he called I had let him know I‘d met someone and that someone would truly change my life forever. His name was Ryan Dicks and I believe it was love at first site. I had met Ryan when I was in fifth grade and we were actually a couple then too. One night as I am driving home from a long day at work Ryan and his friend were driving and he asked me to pull over. Ryan was so suave and slick and he could tell you anything and you would believe it so I did believe him when he told me he cared. Some days went by and I beeped him and he called me back. I was almost two years out of my relationship with Chris so I was vulnerable and very cautious. Ryan and I talked a lot on the phone and that became very boring to me so when he asked me could he pick me up one night I gladly accepted his offer. Ryan was very funny and courteous at first so I wanted to be around him. I was very shy and I did shelter my feelings but on our first night together it became clear to me that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I hadn’t been sexually active with a man since Chris so to my surprising I was pretty good with Ryan in bed. He made me feel like I was his and he was mine but reality came and I knew it was just a one night stand. Ryan didn’t call me for like two weeks and I began to distance myself from him and society. My life wasn’t going that smooth and I began to really feel down until I met a woman named Peta and she did hair at a local salon that everyone went to in the area. My sister Celine used to be her hair assistant so I had started getting my hair done with her naturally. After one appointment I was used in several hair shoots and became her model. It made me feel so alive and beautiful that night with Ryan had left my mind and I was over it. Weeks of hair shoot and running back and forth to my classes I was busier than ever. They have a saying that “IF SOMETHING IS YOURS, IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOU” than I guess Ryan was mines because who do I run into while I am at my photo shoot? Ryan. I couldn’t believe that I saw him after all those weeks of him not calling me and me not seeing him. We talked and he said he was going to call me but I really didn’t care if he did or not because I was not getting caught up again. After my shoot, I went home and who is calling my phone back to back wanting me? Ryan. It felt good to be wanted and Ryan and I actually became a couple after about three months of cat and mouse. I had ended up moving to Atlanta, GA with Ryan after I graduated and we moved in our first apartment together and had our first child, a son. I was twenty-one years old and I felt like I was on top of the world. I really loved Ryan and when I say love I actually was in love and it felt great. Atlanta went well for a little while and then all good things must come to an end. Ryan and I broke up when I was seven months pregnant with his son and he treated me so bad that I had become depressed and sick. I had been staying with his mother Dina and she helped me all the way up to the birth of my son, Ryan. I had tried to make GA my home for a while but being in that state hurt me because I was not with Ryan anymore and Ryan had began to see other women and that made me very angry. The type of woman I had become I despised. I had become very bitter and violent that Ryan and I began to fight like two school buddies constantly. Ryan had of course moved back to his mother’s home and I stayed in my apartment until I moved. In life you began to see the big picture and it was coming clear to me that this man was not going to be with me or his son. Dina had began helping me look for an apartment on a lower level and I ended up finding one in another part of GA and to my surprise Ryan came too. I never understood Ryan’s moods and he would always put his foot in his mouth and ended up using those feet to come back to me. We lasted a couple of months while baby Ryan was about two months old and I left GA and went back to NY saying goodbye to my life with Ryan. I had become very angry and it was hard to be the right mom to baby Ryan but after hearing of all Ryan’s infidelities, I tried to move on with my life the best way I knew how and if that meant dating I did. I had already met someone in GA that I actually became cool with and we became good friends that turned into kissing friends. I didn’t have sexual relations with him but I was attracted to him in that way. His name was Alex and that friendship we had didn’t last long because of Ryan. Ryan shut anything down because he wanted to be the only one moving on with someone. I began working and consuming my time not thinking about my failed life with Ryan and a son at home without a father. I did abnormal things that degraded my humanity but it didn’t make me feel any better. I had met guys and it wasn’t that they weren’t attractive but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan and I wanted him back. This man was the first man I ever felt strong, deep feelings for and I didn’t want that anyone else. Time had went by and by and Ryan ended up moving back to NY when baby Ryan was one years old and I was too happy because we had ended up back together once again. Arguing came natural to our relationship and we broke up and made up off and on for almost three years until I got pregnant again with our daughter, Devin. I was actually surprised that I was even pregnant because after baby Ryan I never conceived again. To my knowledge Ryan was happy and we were beginning our family welcoming a new addition but Ryan was never happy about the pregnancy and thought that our daughter belonged to another man whom I never even slept with. Ryan left me when I was seven months pregnant with Devin. Dejavue! Being pregnant again was so weird because I never saw myself with two kids and I really was unhappy and miserable that pregnancy. I was hospitalized three times and I had gone from a size thirteen to a size nine in two months. Ryan wasn’t there for any of that nor the birth of our daughter. Without my friends and family, I think I would be in a mental hospital. They were my rock and I owe them to this day my gratitude. After fights in court, child support and a paternity test, baby Devin came out 99.99% genetically connected to Ryan. Basically the test proved he was the father and you would think after five months of never seeing her or having that bond with her he would be there right away but NO! My mom always said nothing good comes to people who act the way he did and sure enough, it didn’t. Ryan was sentenced to one year in a correctional facility upstate for selling a narcotic. It really made me sad and hurt because I still loved him so much and I knew it was over. Ryan and I were broken up for about two years and we both carried other relationships and I actually fell in lust with a man and we carried on for a while until reality kicked in. I sit back now and I actually think of how I fell for another man but I did. I didn’t love him that way but he made me forget and for that I owe him so much. His name was Wyatt and when he grabbed that night at the club, I never knew our relationship would take the course it did. Wyatt was definitely a lady’s man and that didn’t bother me because I wasn’t looking for a relationship but just a friend that we call a shorty. Wyatt was the type that was always himself and never cared who didn’t like it and he kind of reminded me of Ryan a little bit because of his arrogance and his humor. It took me almost four hours to get ready for a date that lasted two. It had been one year and a half and I had been alone so when we went out, sparks really flew and Wyatt and I took our date to another level. We had become intimate and after that it was a constant relationship. Wyatt and I knew what we were to each other and we never tried to change it. Time had passed and a couple months after our relationship, I had got pregnant with his child and I was ready to die. I was in denial for some weeks but I knew what was wrong and I did what I had to do and I had an abortion. Wyatt was surprised but so was I when I found out he was a dad of four kids. I still kept my relationship with him but it became off and on for about six months and my feelings for Ryan got stronger again and I started writing him while he was in jail. At first Ryan was very rejected by my feelings and naturally I didn’t receive any letters back but then one day I had received a letter stating” MY FUTURE WIFE”. I knew that we were back and I was very happy. Ryan and I wrote each other back and forth every week and I was slowly getting back the man I once fell in love with. Ryan had changed to me for the better and this program he was in had made him act different. Our talks were mature and serious unlike other times. It was so good to have a man in my life and I finally had my family! Around April 05 Ryan came home and we began our first night as a family. We consummated our reconciliation and even though very quick it was memorable. The next day I caught Ryan in his mom’s house with a female he had been talking to while we were broken up. I guess I was the only one with our family getting back together in mind. We didn’t break up over it because of my stupidity. When a woman catches a man it is always what it seems. Never second guess yourself like I did. I should have left Ryan then and never looked back because it would have saved me two years of heartache to come. Don’t get me wrong I had good times with Ryan. We used to have some fun and he did things with me that no man ever did. Ryan used to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world and no one else mattered but he also made me feel worthless and ugly. A man has the power only of you give it to him and I gave Ryan a lot of it. I had my domineering ways and I can admit to that but Ryan made me feel so insecure that my only way to react was lash out and do what ever came to my mind. I judge no one and I don’t know why Ryan felt need to break my spirit or hurt me the way he did but I don’t hate him for it. We all have reasons and his I will never know. Ryan has a part of my heart that no one will ever get to and I kind of hate that because he doesn’t deserve it at all but I don’t know how to stop loving him. After catching him he asked for forgiveness and I said yes but I didn’t mean it and I cheated on him for the first time with Wyatt. I slept with Wyatt one time and later that day I forgave Ryan. Time went on and Ryan and I and the kids lived together and tried to make it work but something always got in the way and we would break up only to make up again. I recall after he came home we had a bad break up because of a former girl he slept with called him at his mom’s house and they were writing each other also. Ryan has disappointed me but truly hurt me as well and I don’t think he will ever know how much. He is two steps from being the devil himself. We never had problems like that with cheating because I was never the one cheating but I was blind to all his ways because I never wanted to believe Ryan was capable of doing me that way. Ryan has left me with more than I can handle and even though it’s unbearable at times, it makes me stronger. My courage has made me believe that I can get passed this bump and move on to greener pastures. I have been through so much since I first moved back to NY and Ryan and I got back together. Ryan has a hard time telling the truth and being faithful. I always thought our children could change him but I guess a child’s love isn’t that strong. The year is 2007 now and Ryan and I were still fighting and arguing all the time that Ryan of course moved in with his mom Dina for the twentieth time and I had gotten used to that of course. Dina was the type of mom that no matter what her son was right and she was the babying type. The only thing missing was the diapers literally. Ryan had gotten to comfortable with running to his mom that it turned me off and that was a big issue with us as well. I still loved this man with all my heart but I couldn’t reach Ryan and I had no other options. I had soon found out how grimy Ryan was when he came in my house lying on people saying he had saw me on tape and that I had been cheating on him with a guy I had never met in my life. Later on I soon found out that Ryan had been seeing two different women and one was pregnant and carrying an STD he gave her and the other was a mother of three who was just a sleeping buddy who met Ryan in a bar. Ryan had made up so many lies to make himself look good in this break-up and when it all came out he had nothing to say but I realize I don’t need to the truth to come out because I know who I am and what I do and Ryan can never make me look as bad as he do. Ryan and I broke up March 24, 2007 and we never got back together again. Ryan has distanced himself out of his kid’s lives and they never heard from him again. Baby Ryan who is now seven years old is playing sports and enjoying his childhood. Devin is four now and she is happy and healthy and even though she was quite close with her dad I guess because she is growing up she is seeing herself as Devin and not as daddy’s little girl anymore. As for me, well I have to say I am doing quite well. I have my moments when I want to call him or see him but I know what type of guy he is and I just think of all the negative bliss I went through. I have friends and hopefully one day I will be in another relationship but until then I am living life. My mom always says Another Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure! I believe that because I have met someone now that makes me see that Zoë I used to be. I hardly speak to Dina or his other family members because of the break-up but if they came around I would welcome them just the same. I realized its Ryan and no one else at fault. I am working on being happy and I am not letting anyone ruin this for me. I finally have a good job and I am getting my bachelor’s degree in business and well enjoying my life. I was at a stand still before and I couldn’t see what was ahead but now I see happiness and blessings for my children and I. Like I said in the beginning, my story is about a girl’s obstacles to becoming a woman and I am now twenty-eight years old and I have definitely learned some lessons, I am not saying I will never love again but I will never go into anything with my eyes closed or without thinking first. A woman should always go with her gut feeling and with Ryan I never did. The next man will have a smarter & more confident Zoë. I wish the best for Ryan and blessings to come. I hear he is working and dating and trying to get off probation but I always say when you don’t do right by your kids you don’t get any luck so best to you Ryan and god bless. Ladies and gentlemen I dedicate this story to you that relate to what I am saying. I know a person can break you down to the point where you will become another person so when you feel you to that point count your blessings and remember that the person you are so in love with is not in love with you the same way or don’t love you at all. You deserve the same love and my people if you can’t love yourself that much to get out of that damaged relationship than how can you love him or her? Thanks for reading “Another Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure. Copyright 2007 alyreche {moscomment} |
|
| Last Updated ( Friday, 25 May 2007 ) |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
via Email
