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Diary of a Fat Girl |
| Written by Amie | |
| Friday, 07 March 2008 | |
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Share it:       January 1st: It’s another new year. The night before started out just great. I hadn’t given a single thought to the TWENTY pounds I had gained from mid October to now. I had my new years eve night all planned out--I was going to spend it with my two closest friends Carrie and Tracy, and we had planned on ending the year with a bang. Since we were all going to dress up in the things we never get to wear, I had put on what I thought was my “little black dress”( Well I suppose little is a misnomer since it was a size 20 and slightly snug around the waist), and I was feeling pretty good about myself. That feeling didn’t last too long.. Not even 45 minutes into our little get together my “good” friend Tracy asked me if I never wore this dress because it shrank in the laundry.. Now, just so you know, I had bought this dress for a dinner back in November that I ended up not attending so I had to remove the tags before I even put it on that evening. So there I was, petit four in hand staring down at my now crumb laden dress that was now looking a little more than just slightly snug around the waist and seeing myself in a new light… the FAT light. I just laughed it off and agreed that was why I didn’t wear it out. After suffering through three more hours at this “joyful” occasion constantly wondering how I could put on my jacket without drawing attention to myself ( I never did figure out a way), I realized something I had never give a thought about before-- I was fat.. Not just a little pudgy, but FAT. All of my close friends were thin, I think the largest pant size in the room besides my own was a size 10. SIZE TEN! I realized that I was TWICE the size of anyone in the room. Let me tell you, that night I had a new years realization, not a new years resolution.
Two weeks later…. So I decide to do something about my new years realization. I’m thinking maybe that low-carb thing will do the trick. There’s a few people at the office who are doing that and they are all RAIL THIN. Why is it that people who are so thin they are skinny think they need to diet? Anyway, I pick up the diet book during my lunch hour and skim through the basic rules.. and think HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?! Apparently you don’t eat bread, fruit, or dairy products, and as if that wasn’t bad enough you cant even have the occasional pie….I mean PIECE of pie *ahem*. So what’s left?! Meat and a select few vegetables? Ok well I will give it a try anyway, what do I have to lose except the weight and my sanity right? Apparently the latter is something I’m lacking anyway since I am even going to attempt this when my usual diet seems to consist of all the things this diet says I CANT have. More on this later I need to get to the grocery store to buy my meat…. Tuesday: Ok so for the past three days I have forced myself to stick to this weird diet. I cleaned out all of my snack-type food out of my pantry and stocked my refrigerator with gross amounts of those select few veggies to snack on instead. It hasn’t been too bad although I get some strange looks at the bun-n-burger when I ask for my burger without its bun, salad instead of fries, and a bottled water no soda instead of my regular burger with its bun, extra fries with a side of ranch, and a large dr. pepper. Since the two menus are SO different I expect to see some big results soon. Oh, I even started walking the mile home from the office instead of taking a cab twice a week. Oh yeah, BIG results coming soon. I can feel the pounds dropping off like melted butter!.. Ok gross visual, but you know what I mean. Thursday: WHAT THE HECK?! I swear my scale is wrong. There is NO way that I could have only lost 1 pound this week. I looked in the stupid book and it says to expect to lose up to 10 pounds in the first two weeks. I’ve followed this diet to the letter ( I’m telling you that ONE measly piece of cake at Joe Johnsons retirement party couldn’t have made THAT much of a difference!) Whatever, I’m calmed down now so I think instead of getting frustrated (DANG CAKE!), I’ll just go for a nice long walk to the coffee shop and get myself a tall-decaf-splenda with no cream and try to relax… yeah right! Who can relax with decaf coffee?! Forget it, I’m going to the deli. Later: Ok, I know that Jerry’s deli is the best on this side of town but I’m not sure I can go back there EVER…that new guy is just plain MEAN. What did he mean anyway when he said “its nice to see a girl who isn’t afraid to eat”?( Ok so my foot-long double meat double cheese turkey and swiss on white with everything may sound like a lot, but I swear I skipped breakfast..really…). So now I’m sitting here eating my sandwich that I ended up taking home, and I’m mad and drinking a DIET soda…jeez he totally ruined my deli experience and now I feel guilty for cheating on the diet. I guess I’ll start over again tomorrow. Darn deli guy! ******** Journal of Deli Guy: Ok, so I’m getting half-way settled into my new apartment and starting to get used to this town after being here for 3 weeks and I’m starting to feel pretty good about this whole screwed up situation when I get the phone call from hell. Actually, I don’t know what took Agnes this long to stick her nose into my business. I don’t know why I listen to her, sure she’s my sister but she has this tendancy to treat me like I‘m 10… “You know none of us liked that girl anyway Shane. Everyone but you figured she would pull something like that. Go work for uncle Jerry until you figure out what you’re going to do with yourself” she says. So sure, I go work at the deli for my uncle jerry who is the strangest man alive as far as I‘m concerned. The man eats, sleeps, and breathes The Deli. And I swear I didn’t mean anything with the ’girl who isn’t afraid to eat’ comment! I mean jeez, I’m standing there all day long listening to those stick women order salads with fat free dressing on the side or veggie subs-hold the bread, it was good to see someone come through the door and order something NORMAL for once! But does uncle Jerry give me the benefit of the doubt? No! He had to go off on me about insulting his ‘prime rib’ customers and why cant I save that talk for the ‘bologna and cheese’ customers if I feel that I have to be rude. I swear I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time with all of his deli analogies. I was giving her a compliment!.. I think…AH CRAP! Maybe I should apologize next time she comes in the deli.
********** Friday: Alright I’m feeling motivated so lets DO this! I don’t have to work today so I’m going to go join a gym. I’m really going to do it this time, I’m not just going to get there and watch all the little thin people do aerobics through the glass windows. But first I will have an oh so filling protein bar for breakfast, that way I don’t pass out in front of all the skinnies. It would be mortifying if I passed out on my way TO walk off the pounds class and the ambulance guys couldn’t lift me into the ambulance…oh God, maybe I’ll just go for a long walk and do the gym thing next week. That really sounds like a much better idea, I wouldn’t want to jump into anything without doing the proper research anyway right? Sure. Sunday: So I’m on my walk today and I’m turning the corner at the park that has all those little flowers that make me sneeze in the spring, and who do I see? that’s right.. THE DELI GUY from last week. The guy isn’t walking, he’s actually jogging in a green JOGGING suit (who even wears those anymore?-well besides jogging deli guy.) and he’s got pit stains-- totally gross- I know! I just keep walking (power walking just so you know), and pretend like I don’t recognize him and he starts jogging in place and says “double meat double cheese turkey on white right?” what the heck? Is he like a stalker or something? So I just stare at him and I’m sure he could read my mind, about being a stalker I mean, and nod yes. Then he smiles and waves and says “have a nice walk, see you around” and jogs around the corner. WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? ***** Man! I have GOT to get my stuff here ASAP! Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for uncle Jerry lending me some of his clothes and things until I get all of this sorted out, but WHY on the day I wear that God awful green jogging suit do I have to run into the girl from the deli?! WHY?! There I was, on my usual morning run when I see her rounding the bend at the park power walking. At first I was like “ok, here’s my chance to apologize to her about the eating comment” then I realized that I had on uncle Jerry’s jogging suit.. I mean, who wears those anymore? Me apparently. I couldn’t just pretend like I didn’t know her so I stopped to apologize but what comes out? “Double meat double cheese turkey on white right?” WHAT A MORON!.. She must think I’m a freak. There’s no mistaking that look that she had on her face for a second. What an Einstein! Jeez. I swear this poor girl probably thinks I’m some kind of weirdo or something. To top it all off, I get home and realize this jogging suit is like a freaking SAUNA and I’ve got pit stains from hell. So now I’m the freak.. with pit stains. Great… ******** Monday: Alright it’s Weigh in day. It’s been a whole seven days now so let’s see how this is going. I swear if I gained weight I’m going to freak out. That one piece of cake and that one sandwich couldn’t have totally killed all that work I did. Ok here I go….. YES! The scale ISN’T broken! It went down 5 pounds! Five pounds in one week! Who cares if its just water weight, its FIVE POUNDS of water weight. Ok I’m going to celebrate and go to the deli after work.. I’ll show stalker jogging deli guy that I AM afraid to eat!…..well, not really, but you know what I mean. Later: What the heck?! that’s all I can say about my latest trip to the deli. I don’t know what is wrong with stalker jogging deli guy.. Is he just anti-fat people or what? This is what happened: I take my lost-five-pounds-self into the deli and when its my turn, he smiles and says “foot long double meat double cheese turkey and swiss with everything on white?” Then, I oh so politely tell him that no, I’ll be having the double meat double cheese turkey and swiss with no bread and only dressing, tomatoes and cucumbers on a plate please. What does he do? He opens his mouth and stares at me like I ordered a peanut butter and mayonnaise on rye with a side of pickles. Then he gives me the “I hope you know what you’re doing” look while he’s making it and tells me “its much better on the bread you know, are you sure you don’t want it regular?” As if I didn’t already KNOW that, but I inform him of the diet and he comes back with, “I could never do that diet, I‘d miss the sweet stuff and normal food too much.” Ok, so he was smiling when he said it so I’m assuming he thinks he’s being funny. Whatever.. ******** What is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my mouth shut, or just say something NORMAL for a change. Oh no, I CANT do that.. I HAVE to try the funny guy routine. Not only do I quote her order AGAIN, I probably made her feel stupid. “Just fill the order” , I tell myself, but nooo, I have to insult her again, by picking on her order.. Again. Normal food? Why did I say that out loud.. To her? Obviously she’s sensitive about her weight, but I was just trying to make small talk and tell her that THAT diet is a crummy way to lose pounds. I mean, look at the Subway guy, HE ate bread! Maybe someday I’ll be able to fix this mess. Really I don’t even know why I’m getting so worked up over this. I’ve got too much on my plate right now as it is what with Sarah still keeping my stuff hostage in my apartment back home. *******
Friday: Man, I am really getting tired of this low-carb stuff.. How long am I going to have to do this? I’ve only lost like 8 pounds and I don’t think I can take the questioning looks from my co-workers when they catch me looking longingly at their carb-o-licious lunches for much longer. Oh sure, they all tell me that its great that I’ve been eating healthier and exercising more--too bad they tell me that stuff around ginormous bites of pasta or some other no-no food-- but all I’m thinking about is how long I would have to power walk to burn off just two or three bites of their lunch. That cant be right can it? I can’t even go to the deli because stalking jogging deli guy will make some offhand remark and then I’ll feel all self conscious and wont even be able to enjoy my no bread some veggies sandwich. Later: Well maybe the deli guy is not so bad after all. I mean, he did apologize even if it was a weird apology. I ran into him, literally RAN into him with my shopping cart today at the store over by the vegetable section. I was distracted by the smell of freshly baked apple pie from over at the bakery and while I was contemplating canning this stupid diet and having a pie for dinner, I crashed into him. It was kind of awkward at first being that I just stood there holding my breath and staring at him, but then he smiled and said, “don’t worry I wont quote your last order at the deli this time.” and we both laughed. After that, we finished up our shopping while we talked and he told me his name was Shane, and I told him my name was Candace and then he just said “hi” and so I said “hi” …and that’s when little Jimmy Simmons crashed his little plastic cart into the canned peaches display and they all came crashing down on me. Of course, because nothing nice ever happens to me. Oh well, at least the pain from this bruised ankle and wrist will keep me from making repeated trips to the kitchen to snack so maybe I’ll lose a few more pounds while I’m stuck on crutches. Wednesday: Finally feeling well enough to do the weigh in and I guess the crutches weren’t that much of a “diet aid” after all. I gained 2 pounds this week. Dang pre-packaged frozen meals. …to be continued Copyright 2008 Amie |
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| Last Updated ( Saturday, 05 July 2008 ) |
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