The Happiest Tragedy That Ever Was

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Written by Taylor
Sunday, 02 March 2008

It's not that I miss being with you. It's just that sometimes I miss you. Is that easy to understand? I think right now you feel the same, we usually feel the same. And it's that I feel so lonely. You were the one person I think that understood me, you got me. You were me. Almost. We lived the happiest tragedy that ever was, though you may disagree.

In this whole town, this whole place, and all surrounding areas, I swear I am the only one of my kind. The only one to think the way I do. How I get from A to B is completely different. Am I missing the destination everybody else is going to? It seems people are going straight from A to C and I'm stuck right in the fucking middle. People are so extreme! You were medium. Medium like me.

I remember this one time we were having trouble deciding what to do: go hang out with the lame Christians or go get trashed at a party. Neither sounded appealing to us. I remember we lied on the couch under a blanket. Both lying on our sides so we could fit, though I still managed to shove you off. Occasionally, you would switch which side you were laying on so that you would be facing me. And you were close. And then, when you looked at me like you so often did, I had no choice but to kiss you. Sometimes I kissed you with my eyes open, if only to look at you a little bit longer. I don't think I ever told you that.

We had many nights like that. You made me feel not so bad for not wanting to do anything social. I could be unsocial and still spend time with you. I wouldn't be lonely. That is such an amazing concept to me.

I remember the terrible thing we did, and I remember hating that we did because I felt cheated. But I remember loving you anyway. And I remember you not hating it. I never told you about that, either. I never told you I felt cheated. I never told you that that was the worst thing to ever happen to me, the last thing I wanted to happen.

I still feel every time we touched, in vivid detail. I know you do, too. We are able to talk about it now, now that you've told me you're 89% over me. I wonder what my percentage is. I think it changes. "I think for once you might have done the right thing," she says. "Only time will tell," I say, "unfortunately, time doesn't speak very loudly."

"You've lost your faith," she says.

"Quite the opposite," I say.

"You carry yourself differently," she says.

"I am out of place," I say, "I am in the wrong body."

She still doesn't understand that is the one part of me that is always constant. That is the reason why. That is why! The one constant thing in my life told me there was something else. I remember that moment that I realized I had to let you go. I'd been dragging you on for so long while I tried to figure out what God wanted from me. I still don't know what it is, but I know you aren't in the plan for me. At least not right now. And maybe you will get to be happy. It seems you already are. And if this is what I wanted, why am I feeling the way I do? Why do I ever feel the way I do...why does anybody feel the way they do?

With you now gone, I am trying to find my place all over again. Everybody is so extreme and we are the only mediums. We are the in-betweens. We are the best of both worlds. We are that we are. Or should I say, we were that we were.