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Lesbian ForcefieldThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Nathan Bittel | |
| Wednesday, 27 February 2008 | |
Culture, books, and reading never were my thing. I still don't know how I ended up working at the coffee shop. I guess it was the "Now hiring" sign posted outside the window; handwritten on cheap construction paper. I remember looking at it and laughing to myself about the squiggly lines and just how corny the writing looked. Chuckling under my breath as I walked in, I looked around for a female employee to ask for an application. That's just standard procedure for me, I always talk to women. It doesn't really matter what age, as long as they're legal and attractive.
I spotted the telltale sign of a woman; the hourglass shape and the well-kept hair (dark brown, almost black and cut short in this one's case) behind the counter fiddling around with a blender. I couldn't really tell a whole lot about her figure with her wearing the bulky muted brown uniform. She was still fooling with the blender when I made my way to the counter.
"You gonna make love to it? You've been kissing it since I walked through the door."
I always try to open with the joke, the cheesier the better. They usually look at me with some kind of half smile that silently says "I can't believe you just said that." I always follow the line up with a warm boyish smile and immediately introduce myself before they can make a quick judgment on me. This time was different. She turned around and had the most expressionless look on her face. This took me a little by surprise, but I've plenty of practice so naturally, I rebounded quickly.
"Name's Rick," I said as I extended my hand for the patented gentle but firm shake I reserve for women.
In the seconds that I stood there with my hand outstretched waiting for the moment where she would take my hand; I took note of her face. She wasn't classically pretty, but she had a look to her that still makes me weak in the knees. She had big green eyes and a cute little upturned nose. Not obnoxiously turned up, I couldn't see inside, but the cute kind. Her cheek bones were prominent enough to give her a statuesque appearance and they were covered with tiny little freckles. Her pouty and full lips were staring at me, begging me to warm them with mine.
A small part of me screamed that I was staring, but I squashed it as quickly as possible. I didn't want to look away. I still can't really explain why she took me in, it could have been the lips, or the freckles, or the way that one stay hair drifted and fell over her forehead between those perfect eyes. Those lips were finally moving, molding themselves over no doubt wonderful words, I couldn't look away and I wanted to listen to her. More intently than ever before. I shook myself out of my standstill and soaked in every perfect word she was saying to me.
"Hello? Anyone there? Are you ok?"
She cocked her head at me and lifted one eyebrow in a questioning manner. Realizing that she was asking me a question, I finally was able to overcome my paralysis. I looked down at my hand to find that she still had not grasped it. I cut my eyes up at her; she looked down at my hand then quickly made eye contact with me.
"Erm...Can I help you?"
"An application," I managed to squeeze out as I withdrew my hand, disappointed that she hadn't taken it.
She didn't respond verbally, but she reached towards me, towards where I was standing. My eyes watched her delicate arm and cute fingers, painted purple, snake towards me. My heart stopped, inches away, she snatched a paper off the counter in front of me and stuck it out. Embarrassed, I took the paper from her with a smile. She pulled a pen out of her apron and handed it to me. I took the nondescript black pen from her and prepared myself to say sometime witty or compliment her on some aspect of her appearance but before anything could work its way from my brain and out of my mouth, she turned around and went back to fiddling with the blender.
Irritated at myself, I shuffled over to an empty table to fill out the application.
"You're better than this. She's just a girl. You've dated and slept with prettier girls than her before. What's the big deal?" I repeated these things over and over as I filled out the stupid application. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I mean, I just ended a two month fling with a twenty-nine-year-old gymnastics instructor and I couldn't manage to talk to some coffee shop girl. I continued filling out the application.
I guess you can say I have a nervous twitch, only it's not a twitch, its more of an oral fixation. Not that kind, but I have to chew something when I'm sitting still. I guess it comes with being athletic and always on the move. I am like a buzz saw when it comes to pens. I brought the pen to my mouth for a good chewing session when the scent hit me. It smelled like cotton candy. I sniffed a few times before I finally figured out it was the pen. Her pen. Christ, I like that smell. I mean, I hate cotton candy, I think its disgusting but the pen smelled heavenly. So I sat for a few minutes with the pen pressed to my nose, inhaling the scent, until I became so used to it I could smell it no longer. I went back to the application.
I filled in references, past experiences, all the standard **** that applications have. I sniffed the pen every few minutes to see if the scent would return to me, it didn't. I finally finished the application and was about to get up and hand it to coffee girl when it hit me like a fat man tackling an ice-cream truck.
A lesbian.
She's a lesbian.
That's gotta be it. Nothing else would explain what happened. She does not like dudes. Lesbians are like kryptonite. Like bullet proof glass to a bb gun. What a waste I decided. Oh well, at least I wasn't broken though; so with renewed confidence I went to the counter to hand her my application. Apparently she finally conquered the blender and she was wiping the counter with a damp rag. I felt a surge of disappointment that no man would conquer that continent, but, **** happens.
"Here ya go," I said with a smile.
She stopped wiping and dried her hands on her apron before taking the application. She looked it over briefly.
"Ok, I guess the manager, Sebastian, will look over your application and call you for an interview."
"Great." I turned, not bothering to try another attempt at penetrating her lesbian force field but before I made it to the door, she called out to me.
"Hey, erm...Nick?"
"Rick," I said as I stopped and turned around, meeting those perfect eyes of hers. I looked away before I got some stupid idea that I could convert her.
"Can I have my pen back?"
"Oh, sure." I walked back towards the counter as I rooted around in my pocket searching for the pen. I found it, pulled it out, and offered it to her. She took a brief look at it before making a funny face, which looked cute as hell on her.
"Never mind. You can keep it"
I looked at the pen in my hand and saw that the entire top end was chewed and flatted. ******* bad habits. I attempted a laugh and put the pen back into my pocket.
"Guess I owe you a new pen."
"No its ok. I found it on the floor anyways." Disgusted, I shoved the pen back into my pocket and stomped out the door. Copyright 2008 Nathan Bittel |
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