May 2007-    I stared out the window. I could see a lot of people holding hands, like I am holding onto Seo- hye’s. I was afraid she may wake up and find me gone again, so I never left the small, one-windowed, white room.

   I never meant for everything to end up this way. If only I have never gone after her, she wouldn’t be here, sleeping like a monotonous doll. All I could do now is wait for her to wake up. I didn’t want to leave and forget her again…

March 2007-   I just came out of the hospital with only the memories of the past five years. I had lost of my memories before those years from shock. The doctor told me that it was up to me if I wanted to remember. I thought that if I remember my past, I might end up having somber days, so I told the doctor that I didn’t want to remember. The doctor gave me neuroleptics to help induce schizophrenia.

   The first thing that I did after getting out of the hospital was buying a new house in Crescent City, California in the U.S. I stepped inside the front yard, examining the small, yellow house. It wasn’t what I have imagine it would be. Even so, I would like to make a fresh new start here with my present memories.

   The front yard was so small; there was barely anything I could do to fix it up. There were only dying flowers sitting by the doorway. Their stems were hanging down, touching the ground. Their pedals were as dry as a dying fire.

. There were only the fires of the yellow grass in the backyard. Most of the dirt had buried them. There sat a familiar maroon chest box decorated with wooden callas. I  

thought there was nothing special inside the chest, so I ignored it… The serene of the house gave me the feeling that I will be lonely forever.                                                                

   I went through all three bedrooms; all of them were identical. They had a wide closet at the far side to the right. There were two windows on the other two sides of the wall, while there was only the door at the last wall.

   Straight across the bedrooms was a hallway, which had lead me to a closet.  As I opened the door, something fell on top of me. I looked at it and got scared. I thought it was a dead person, but it was actually only a doll.

   Behind the doll’s long, black hair was a pin shaped in a red heart saying, Sang- Love- Seo, written in Hangeul. I looked at it carefully. I felt as if I had seen it before, but I chose to ignore it. I thought it might lead me to remember my past.

   As I was putting her back inside the closet, I heard waltz music. I tried to see where it was coming from, but I couldn’t catch where it was coming from. Suddenly, the doll started to arouse slowly. It appears to me like it waltzes dancing. I took her out of the closet and set her in the living room. Gazing at her dancing calmly made me feel as though I have seen her before, but nothing came up on my mind.

   Forgetting that she was a doll, I started dancing with her.  The touch of her hands felt so familiar. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to remember my past. Maybe I was leading a happy life…

   As days passed, I began to treat the doll as a human being who would only gaze out, doing nothing at all. Though it was awkward, I always set her wherever I go around the house. I thought it was probably because the previous owner was Korean, so I always took care of the doll.                                                                                                                   

   The next day, as I was setting the table, I thought I saw water coming out of her eyes. As I got a closer look, I realized that she was crying. I thought it was weird to see a crying doll, so I took it to a doll maker.

   While waiting for the doll maker to find out the problem, I went to look around the shop. I saw a lot of dolls, but none of them were as tall as the one that I have. They were all about three feet tall and shorter. I guess she must have bought it somewhere else.

   “Sir.” the doll maker said. “I didn’t find any fluid in her that would make her cry. Are you sure you saw water coming out of her eyes?”

   “Of course I’m sure.” I said. “I’ve been staring at her for two minutes.”

   “Maybe you were just imagining things.”

   I kept arguing back at him, telling him to look it over again. He became furious and kicked me out of the shop. I don’t know why I wanted to know so much about the doll. I tried my best to figure out why she was crying, but nothing new popped up on my mind.

   I decided to go home to try and see if I could find any information about the doll. I searched and searched everywhere inside the house, but it was clean- out of information. Just then, I remember the chest box that was sitting out in the backyard against the left wall. I tried to open it, but I couldn’t. I noticed that there was a lock on it. I didn’t know where the key was, so I, instead, went and got the hammer to smash the lock, but I couldn’t.

   I tried every little skinny wire that I could find, but it still wouldn’t budge open. I had given up and went back inside the house.                                                                        

As I went inside, I had tripped over the rug. Trying to get up, I saw a key beside my foot.

I wasn’t sure if it was the key for the chest, but it wouldn’t hurt to try it out. “Yes.” I said, heedfully.                                                                                                                  

   All I found were pictures of a couple. As I looked thoroughly into the pictures, I could see that the pictures were taken in Korea, but I couldn’t identify where. I turned the pictures to the back and saw the same phrase that was written on the pin.

   I took all the pictures out and saw a phone number taped down on the chest. I went back inside the house to dial the number. It was not until two minutes later that someone had answered the phone.

   “Hello.” A girl answered.

   “Hi.” I said, politely. “I’m Sang- hyuk Park who bought a house at 206 John StreetCrescent City, California. I was just wondering if you’re the previous owner of this house.” There was a long pause. I could hear the breathing of her voice. “Hello?”  I said, but she didn’t answer. I then heard a click. in

   She had hung up on me. I guess that wasn’t the owner, but if it wasn’t, then whose was it? Just then, the phone rang. I went to pick it up.

   “Hi.” The girl said. “Sorry about hanging up on you.”

“N- n- no. That’s okay. About before…”

   “Ah. About that... I’m the owner’s daughter’s friend. I am just keeping my friend’s cell- phone for her… C… Can I… ask you something?” I thought it was weird for her to ask me, but I said yes anyway. “You said your name was Sang- hyuk Park, is that right?”

   “Yes.”

   “Do you know a girl name Holly Moon?”

   “I’m sorry; I’m not familiar with that name. Why do you ask?”                                             

   “Oh… It’s just… I have mistaken you for my friend’s boyfriend. She had used her boyfriend’s old phone number, so I thought...  Sorry. I must have said too much…”     

   “No. I don’t mind, but I was just wondering whose doll is at my house.”

   “Ah. That doll was made by her boyfriend right before she left to Pusan, though it’s sad to say that he never got the chance to see her again.”

  “The owner was from Pusan?”

   “Yes, but she had left the city at the age of 16.”

   “I see… Would it be alright if I visit your friend?”

   “Uh.... I’m sorry, but she won’t be available.”

   I had asked her why. In a sad and lonely voice, she said that her friend has been in a coma five months after she came to America, finding out from her parents that her boyfriend had past away.

   Even so, I have to go and meet her. I don’t know why I am leading myself, wanting to know so much, but I have to ask her which hospital her friend is in.

   After finding a lot information about her, I started to get the feeling that it might lead me to getting my memories back, but I couldn’t help it. I had to go to the hospital and find out.

   I got inside the big, red- blocked hospital. As I enter, I just realized that I have forgotten to ask for her name. I went to the front desk and asked her if there was a Korean girl who was in a coma, but they said that they didn’t know what I was talking about. I thought and thought, clutching my hands tightly down onto the desk. Finally, the name hit me.

   “Is there a patient name Holly Moon?” I asked, anxiously.

   “And how are you related to her.?”                                                                                     

   “I’m- I’m her brother.” I lied.

   “… She’s in room 316.”                                                                               

   I took the elevator and went up to the third floor. I could see now that, as I enter the room, the girl looked so lonely that she wanted to stay asleep forever for a purpose. Her eyes were wide- open, but she had closed them gently as I walked towards her.

   I sat next to her, observing how young she looks. As I was about to remove her hair from her face, I noticed that she had the same pin on her shirt as the doll.

   I took a closer look at her and noticed that she looks like the doll back home. I began thinking about what her friend had said. I thought that maybe Sang was a guy’s name, and Seo is her maiden name.

   My head started to hurt. I was beginning to see a vision of a boy handing over a girl the pin. I thought I was imagining things, so I ignored it.

   I went back home to see if the pin was on the doll’s shirt, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t believe it. How could it be gone? Suddenly, an apparition came up on my mind again.

   I felt as though my head was about to explode. I fell down to the ground, crying in pain. I could see people running around outside a school, trying to get to class. A couple came running to class, all out of breath, and smiled at each other, happily.

    “Moon Seo- hye!” the boy called out. “Here. I finally finished making the doll.” Suddenly, I began remembering my past with Seo- hye little by little.

   The last thing that I remember was when Seo-hye  and her parents were leaving for America. Before she had left, I had thrown a note inside the doll’s pocket pants. I tried to                       

stall time so that I could be with her for a while longer, but her parents had pushed her inside the car, trying to take her away from me.                                                              

I ran down the street, chasing after the car. I could see from afar that Seo- hye was trying to get out of the car, but her parents wouldn’t let her.

   By the time the car stopped at the street lights, Seo- hye came out of the car and ran towards me. As I was about to reach her hands, a car came and hit her. I stood there, watching her bleed down to the ground.

   My eyes were all watery. Her parents came, crying angrily, hitting and slapping me at the same time.

   “You stay away from her!” her mom yelled. “Don’t you go near my daughter!”

   “No…” I said, trying to get close to her. “Seo- hye. Seo- hye… Moon Seo- hye!”

   “You just killed her! Now you want to get close to her?!”

I stood down to the ground, crying by the closet. From where I remember leaving my old my memories off, I went to look for the note. I felt the paper and took it out:

   Behind the note was another note:

   I clutched onto the letters tightly and ran out of the house. I took the car and drove down to the hospital. Though, in the past, I never yearned for my memories to come back, I wanted to remember every single moment I have spent with her. I don’t care if it will bring me a calamitous life over a promise; I just want to be with her again.

   As I enter the room, I could see her parents. They gave me a discomfited look, but I ignored their appearrance. All I care about was to let Seo-hye see me again. I believe that if she sees me again, she will wake up.

   “Seo- hye.” I said. “It’s me, Park Sang –hyuk. I’m sorry I’ve kept you waiting for so long, but I’m here now. You can wake up and see me again… Seo- hye…”

   Suddenly, her father grabbed my arms callously, trying to kick me out of the room.

   “There’s no one here name Seo- hye here, now get out!” he yelled.

   “Seo- hye! I know you can hear me! Just wake up and see me this once.”

   “Someone take this man out! He seems to have gone crazy.” As I was being dragged away by the securities, I could see that Seo- hye was crying with her eyes wide- open. I tried to break free, but I couldn’t. I began feeling like I was losing my mind again. I tried to calm down but I couldn’t

   I went home, leaving frozen tears in my eyes. I took the doll out and laid her down next to me on the ground. For the past few weeks, I have been bringing her along with me to the store, but I had to leave her in the car.                                                                                 

   One day, as I was getting out of the car to shop for clothes, a police officer came up to me.

   “That doll looks cool. Did you make it yourself?” He asked.

   “She’s not a doll.” I answered. “She’s just sleeping.”                                     

   As I walked away, I just remembered that I forgot to lock the door. I turned around and saw the police officer poking Seo- hye.

   “Hey!” I yelled out, angrily. “She’s sleeping I said. You don’t have the right to wake her up!”

   “Sir, have you gone mad?” This is a doll.”

   “She’s not a doll.”

   “Are you trying to play games with me?” I pushed him away from the car and I locked the door and went inside the store.

   It’s been 30 minutes since I have been shopping. I tried to look for some clothes for Seo- hye, but I couldn’t find any styles that she would like, so I left the store. When I got out, I saw three cops surrounding my car, pointing at me. I got angry and told them to leave, but they wouldn’t. I opened the door to tell Seo- hye not to worry.

   “We need you to come with us, sir.” One of the cops said. I dare not to leave with them, but they have seize onto me by the arms and took me inside he police car. I had grab hold of Seo- hye’s right arm and managed to take her with me.

March 2007- I stood by Seo- hye, staring at her, waiting for her to wake up. I wish to sleep next to her, but I was afraid I might squish her, so I slept on the ground. I closed my eyes and thought back to the days when we were still in Pusan.                                       

   I remembered how Seo- hye’s parents had hated me because I was an orphan. I would always get teased whenever I go to school. Throughout my whole childhood life, I have always felt useless to live. It was not until I have met Seo- hye that had changed my ways of living.                                                                                                                          Someone came in and interrupted my thoughts.

   “Hello, Sang- hyuk,” The nurse said. “How are you doing?’ I didn’t answer her. “Am I interrupting you again? Sorry about that. I’ll leave your food by the bed.” I got up slowly and stared at the food, feeling as though there was no heartbeat inside of me at all.

   “Holly Moon just passed away a few minutes ago.” I overheard the doctor talking to the nurse.

   “Should I go tell him that?”

   “Well, it’s the only way to treat his psychosis.”

“…Sang- hyuk… I have some bad news for you… Seo- hye passed away.”

I looked at her calmly. “She’s not dead. She’s right here sleeping on my bed.”

   The nurse just gave me her old heartbreaking expressions again and left. I went to open my maroon, wooden calla chest box and took out the article:

   “Moon Seo- hye… Should we both depart this world together? People keep saying that you’re dead. They all hate me, so they are lying to me that you’re dead.                           “Do you want to jump off the roof? Or do you want to go down the ocean together? We’ll take the roof… The ocean’s too far away.”

   I carried Seo- hye on my back and left the room quietly. I didn’t want anyone to see us, so I took the stairs and walked all the way up to the rooftop.

   I stood on top of the sill and looked down. “Moon Seo- hye… Sarang hae…”