So there I was, looking at the ticket as I handed it to the lady behind the desk at the Lottery Commission. I had undergone enormous tests of bravery and courage to get that ticket, and after the sacrifice that I had bloody made, I firmly believed that I deserved that 30 million dollars.

It started four weeks ago, when my roommate Jack, came into the lounge and said

“Hey fuckwit, can I borrow ten dollars?”

“What’d you call me?” I said preparing to give him a dead arm.

“I said Adam can I borrow ten dollars?” he replied trying to look all innocent.

“What for?”

“I wanna buy a Lotto ticket for the Powerball tomorrow night”

“What you don’t have ten dollars?” I asked him, knowing that his pay check usually lasted until he made it to the pub after work on paydays.

“Nah, come on I’ll pay you back next week.”

Jack is one of those people that you meet in life that always manage to talk you around to doing what they want. I’d known him for years now, and realised that it would be easier and less time consuming to just give him the money. He wasn’t the type to do anything useful with it, and he definitely wasn’t the type to ever pay you back unless you hassle him day and night. But you know, he’s a mate, you just give him the money and don’t worry about it.

“Ok, I’ll lend it to you, but if you win we split it half each.”

“Yeah right, whatever” he said, probably doubting that that would ever happen.

*******

Two days later he came screaming into the lounge laughing like a maniac

“AHAHAHA YES! YES, YES, YES!” he almost tripped straight over me where I sat on the floor halfway through the act of changing the Xbox game I was playing. He stood before me laughing, waving a small piece of paper back and forth in front of my face.

“Jesus! What the **** is wrong with you?” I asked. “You almost trod on my bloody Xbox! What is that?” I asked as I reached out for the piece of paper he seemed to be handing me. He reacted a bit strange then, snatching the piece of paper away defensively, losing the maniacal grin for a split second. It returned a second later though, and he calmed down enough to say

“What I have here mate, is… no wait, guess!”

“Hmm your adoption slip”

“No! Dumbass.”

“Um… is it your receipt for a mail order bride?”

“No! No! Stop trying to sound funny, you’re more of a funny looking guy. Ok one more guess!”

I couldn’t resist…

“Oh no! Oh no! You found that note your mum gave me?”

“No! Wait… what? Oh **** you! Nah man seriously, you’re not going to believe this… I won… the … mutha … *******… LOTTERY!” He started laughing again.

“What?” I stood up, my heart suddenly “Are you sure? Show me!”

“Oh I’m very sure mate! I checked these numbers three times!” he looked like a hyperactive child after three shots of red cordial. “Adam, mate, there is no doubt about it, I’m a ******* winner!” he started to dance a jig of joy, spinning around the lounge in circles.

“Allright!” I said now feeling as excited as he was. “Half each! How much do we get?”

He stopped dead in his tracks. He looked at me with a look of suspicion usually reserved for a door to door salesman when your in the middle of tea.

“Half each? What do you mean, half each?”

“I gave you the money for that ticket, remember?”

“Yeah…”

“And I said, if you win, half each remember?”

“But… I wasn’t… I didn’t think you were serious! Adam, that money was a loan! I could have borrowed money from a bank and won, and the bank wouldn’t get half!”

“I’m not a bank, Jack” I said, starting to get a little annoyed. “I GAVE YOU TEN BUCKS! I said clearly that if you win it means half each! You agreed!”

“Look I’ll give you your ten bucks back then we’re even…”

“I’ll give you ten bucks you ******…!” I launched at him, furious that he would back out of the agreement.

*******

About five hours later, both of us bruised about the face, we had settled the argument. Jack did not want to share. At first I would have shared, but he had angered me to the point where not only did I not want him to get a single dollar of the winnings, I wanted him to be bankrupt for the rest of his life. I doubted our friendship was going to get past this. A shame really. We had agreed on a competition, winner takes all 30 million. And I wasn’t about to allow a demented dropkick like Jack be that winner.

The rules of our competition were simple. Dare your opponent to do something. If they do it, their turn, they get to dare you. If they don’t do it, you win provided… provided that you are willing to do it yourself! This was going to be interesting….

*******

I had won the coin toss. My turn to dare first. I had thought long and hard about this one. If I was going to be the one to take that ticket into the Lottery Commision I would have to be willing to do something pretty drastic, something that Jack would not do. The only things we agreed on were no major crimes, no and no impossible feats.

“I dare you to tongue kiss my mum!” I said.

“What? No way!”

“You don’t want to do it?” I asked.

“What, you’re saying that you’ll do it? He countered.

“For 30 million I will! She’ll understand afterwards.”

He looked torn, uncertain… then seemed to psyche himself up taking a few quick breaths.

“All-right! Where is she?”

We went to my mums house a few blocks away. We found my mum in the kitchen, apron strung tightly around her massive frame. Mum was an… unattractive old woman, greasy long black hair with breath that smelt like whisky, I love her but God help me it’s the truth. I felt sorry for Jack, this would be embarrassing .

She didn’t know we were there. I peeked through a crack in the doorway as Jack strolled right in, spun her around an locked his face tightly onto hers for the agreed upon ten seconds. He tried to pull away then but to my confusion, mum kept going! Jack had to pull away from her grip!

“Oh Jack you’re a naughty boy! Aren’t you?” said my mum, as I stood mute in horror. “You know, my husband won’t be home for ages…”

“MUM!” I screamed in shock, as Jack bolted out past me and through the door. I followed soon after.

“Adam? It’s not what it looks like!” I heard her yell after us as we drove away.

*******

“You’re gonna pay for that!” Said Jack. “I dare you to… Ahah!” He slammed on the breaks. Pulling over to the side of the road, he parked the car outside an Indian restaurant.

“I dare you to run completely naked through that restaurant, into their kitchen and out the back door.”

I was stunned. Second dare in and he was pulling out the big guns. I knew I had to do it. One look at the determination on his face and it was clear that he would do it himself. I bet he would never wear clothes again for 30 million!

“Are you gonna do it?” he asked

“ ******* watch me!” I jumped out of the car, peeling my shorts and shirt off. Once I was completely naked, shoes and all, I took a few deep breaths and ran towards the restaurant, before I could talk myself out of it. I opened the big glass door. Immediately I ran into a woman, both of us landing in a heap on the floor. The woman took a few seconds to realise that a naked man had just tackled her to the ground before screaming in shock, making absolutely sure that every eye in the restaurant saw me in an unflattering pose as I tried to get back on my feet. I was forced to look around at people, embarrassed like never before, my face burning red. I realised that nearly everyone in the restaurant was a woman, and they were all wearing the same shirts like there was some sort of group function on. 30 woman, all wearing shirts for the Sydney Swifts, the women’s netball team! There was a two second delay, when they all stared and I stared dumbly back, then the whole restaurant erupted in cheers and howls. I ran!

“Wooh! Shake it baby!”

“Oh my God look at his tiny…”

“Ahahaha !”

One woman managed to pinch my arse as I dodged my way around the tables. The screams and wolf whistles were deafening! I managed to get a glimpse at the entrance to see Jack with his face up against the glass howling with laughter, having seen the whole thing. I made my way through the kitchen, past kitchen staff who couldn’t have looked more shocked if I had suddenly exploded and sent lollies flying everywhere like a piñata.

*******

And so it went on from there. We made the dares worse and worse, trying to balance wether or not we thought our opponent would do the dare with wether or not we would do it ourselves. 30 million is a lot of money. We were pretty sadistic. I made Jack eat the remains of some road kill. He made me threaten a biker in a pub. Jack was violently sick and I was violently beaten. I made Jack take a dump on the ground in a crowded shopping mall, he made me break the windows on every house in my street, in broad daylight. We were both pushing the no major crimes rule to the limits. I made Jack get the word ‘Entry’ tattoo'd on his back, with an arrow pointing down his spine towards his butt cheeks, he retaliated in kind by making me get a piercing through my… I can’t say it (surprisingly I’m quite fond of it now and haven’t taken it out). I made him crash his car in the middle of nowhere, pushing it off a cliff, he made me… and I still get tears in my eyes to remember this… he made me throw my Xbox off a cliff, my chipped Xbox with 400 gig hard drive installed 150 games on the hard drive and… Well, it meant more to me than his stupid bloody car let me tell you.

The whole time is was like: eyes on the prize, Adam, eyes on the prize! That 30 million would buy me a new Xbox, with a butler to press the power button too! Needless to say, in that four weeks I did some things I was not proud of. Insane things. Things I can barely believe myself. But I won. I won dammit, and all I had to do was have… a testical surgically removed.

Its… to traumatising to talk about in depth. I came up with the dare. Jack thought about it for an entire day, before saying:

“Abso-Goddam-fucking-lutely not, no ******* way. 30 million is not worth it man. As if you’re really going to do it?”

Here came the crunch. I was! I was willing to give my left nut for 30 million dollars. I knew that you could still have kids, have a normal life with only one. I was going to do it! The problem was… the only way that surgeons would remove a testical is if it was cancerous… or… if it was damaged beyond repair.

I am not going to tell how it was done. The memory of the pain is still enough to make me want to vomit. I’ll skip to the end and say that one week, one emergency room visit and one surgery later, I hobbled into the Lottery Commision, the proud owner of 30 million dollars.

Jack stood next to me as I announced to the lady behind the desk that I had the winning ticket, handing it to her. I felt a rush like nothing else! I was rich baby! The lady pressed the ticket up to the barcode scanner and announced those immortal words I had been absolutely dying to hear:

“I’m sorry sir, but this is not a winning ticket.”

…

…

…What?

“Wait, what?” said Jack, as I was momentarily paralysed. “What do you mean, not a winner? Of course it bloody is I checked it.”

“No, sir it really isn’t” said the lady. “The scanner doesn’t lie.”

“Well that’s weird” Jack remarked to himself “I could have sworn! I checked it three time…” he was cut short by my fist slamming into his face.

I haven’t spoken to Jack since. And he still owes me ten bucks.