Birth of the White Buffalo

The bell hanging from the handle of the door...

Tired Avenue Dirkin/Anna Devine

Hello all. Anna Devine (Sad Sara) and I have been...


Incredible


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Written by Egoist   
Tuesday, 05 February 2008
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         It was her body, which cracked. She leaped from the cliff in such an awkward moment.

         There was no warning, there was no crying, she just flew off into the sky.

        

         Of course I was there. I was the one to have the last conversation with her.

 

         We were at her dream place. In the desert about twenty-five miles away from any civilization. She was mesmerized, and I loved it.

         She wore a dress with no hat or shoes. I drove out with her in my rusty car. We were so vulnerable with no weapons, a pretty woman, and a young man standing at the edge of a cliff. It was her who wanted to come here. The sky changed its shades of blue with each ray of sun to switch behind the clouds. There weren’t many clouds; there were only six.

         Her dress was a summer dress even though it was winter. Somewhere in the world the snow was thawing outside people’s windows, but it was warm enough here to believe that. She stood carefully holding her hair back from tapping her face. The wind scared me, it was too windy for her to stand there.

         She smiled as she watched out to the entire world, never looking down the cliff. At times I caught myself smiling at her reactions rather than showing my fear. In the worst way.

         It was discovered that her bracelet had slipped from her fragile hand and fell to the ground 200 feet below. That was the first time she looked down. She then acknowledged why I feared her moves near the edge. I waited for her to cry, being that her favorite bracelet. She followed the bracelet’s glide to the bottom with her eyes. She kept them wide open.

         Her smile retrieved her face again as she saw the bottom. She glistened, “Now how, can I get that back?”

         I was three feet from the car and about to say we could drive.

         She jutted her head up, letting go off her hair, to see the cliff between the ledges. She smiled,  “I wonder if I could make it.”

         She backed up quite a way then looked towards me as I responded, “You’re not going to jump that?”

         I seemed quite calm. She said, “I was thinking about it. Do you think I could make it?”

         I jumped from my position, “No! Don’t even attempt it.”

 

         She started her dash; I tried to jump fast enough to follow. She ran to the edge then immediately stopped in a sarcastic manner.

         She smiled some more, “I wouldn’t make it.”

 

         Sunset arrived and we spent mainly the rest of our life for that day standing at that ledge. I lay on my car, as she stood in front of the gap, staring all over the place.

         The moon was visible, she looked up to it. She wonders if she’ll ever make it tonight.

         My reaction was in the form of a statement, “Don’t go on the other side.”

         She must’ve turned to look at me in order to say, “But that’s where the fun is.”

 

         I leaned up on my car, and she was gone. Her footprints could be seen in the direction I was in. Her toes reminded me of pearls. She left quietly and unexpected, and this time, I didn’t have a chance to save her.

         I couldn’t bear to see her body. I got into my car, and drove into the sunset.

        

         She finally retrieved her bracelet.



Copyright 2008 Egoist
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Comments (13)
Posted by tarhead
2008-02-06 01:26:32
the desert

is my favorite place to hang out. twilight is supreme, that's when everything come to life...

well done.
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Posted by thirteen
2008-02-06 02:14:15
....

Great description, felt like i was there.
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-02-06 02:41:47
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Very sad, an almost surreal tragedy. Nice
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Posted by Egoist
2008-02-07 16:25:39
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Thanks, I wrote this one because I really like the desert too, though I've never been there...

Strange, I know.
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Posted by R.E.Potter
2008-02-08 10:15:21
talk

about being on a suicide mission. Good story Eqoist
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Posted by Egoist
2008-02-08 19:25:06
....

Thanks for your comment, whenever people talk about suicide missions I think of people dressing up like "Rambo" or something...but people rarely ever talk of suicide missions...mainly it's just the word "missions" I think that of...Thanks once again
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Posted by C.R. Vard
2008-02-11 16:04:27
well written

good imagery, liked the flashback.

'There weren’t many clouds, there were only six.' the comma should be a semi-colon...and I really don't like the use of a specific number in this case, doesn't convey any emotion.
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Posted by Pez
2008-02-18 08:48:13
....

What an odd woman... and odd man; he simply "drove into the sunset" after she had taken a deadly plunge.

I think this one needs a bit more polishing... some editing, and some more engaging descriptions; it was unusual, but it could of been stranger...

...though I understand the story is being told by the man's point of view [therefore making it impossible for him to describe the climax very well (since he was looking elsewhere at the time)] a detailed description of her falling would of been awesome.
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Posted by Egoist
2008-02-22 08:12:33
....

Sorry, I didn't realize the number six would be such a bad addition. Thanks for the comment about it though,I would've never figured it out on my own. I guess to me the number six is my lucky number, but in life it's supposedly unlucky, so I chose the number six. Besides I think I might have been stuck at a writer's block...

Thank you though, I'm not taking it out, but I'll change the comma use.
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Posted by Egoist
2008-02-22 08:20:31
....

Thanks for another comment. I thought this one up, because I would never really want to see a dead body. I thought, since the guy seems to have had a crush on her, I'm sure he didn't want to see her crushed body, at the bottom, or maybe even see her falling. I know I wouldn't.

Though, if you really think about it, she must've been psycho.

I understand it would need polishing in some places, I feel as though I just wanted it to be a quick one. Thank you for the advice again.
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Posted by cookingWine
2008-03-17 23:24:16
....

That was very well done.

A terrifying line, whether you meant it to be or not, "Now, how can I get that back?"

This is the kind of thing I was advocated you to do more and it's very nice to see it. I did the literary double-take on that line.

Do you know how creepy that is??? How inevitable and wrong you make it seem, in suggesting that it's really a trivial thing? Something that would be said in joke, and it's taken to seriousness and is ridiculously deep and concise.

The ending was almost very good. "I couldn’t bear to see her body." I think you know what I'm going to say here, since I've been harping it with most of your work, but we know she's dead! Stop telling me!

The line about getting into the car and driving off, without explaining anything else, is where that ends for me without problems.

I think you should make a commitment to yourself, when you write, to either not explain anything, or explain every little thing, because when you do both, it confuses me and detaches me fr
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Posted by cookingWine
2008-03-17 23:30:16
....

om the story.

I don't think it's sad in the least. It's fucking creepy and uplifting, which is a strange buffet of emotion to get.

My favorite aspect was the ending.

All the stories on here leave me feeling like I know too much, or rarely know too little.

With this, I know just enough to be content. I can't really stress how big this story was in that regard.

Very strong sentences that establish a very strong, OVERRIDING (important) tone. You could have sent them to hell and it would have been okay with the serenity presented.

For clean up:

Lose some sentences. Don't gain any to replace them. Think of it this way.

"It was her body, which cracked. She leaped from the cliff in such an awkward moment.

There was no warning, there was no crying, she just flew off into the sky."

As an introductory sentence, that is strong. The second sentence felt weaker to me, but definitely worked. We know she jumped. You don't need to tell us at the end that she's dead.Just a minor touch up.
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Posted by Egoist
2008-03-19 19:43:45
....

Another thank you, for you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments, and this one really lifted me up with the 'double-take' and the satisfaction of the ending. So I think I get what you're telling me now, and with the examples you gave me not to use and to use really helped...When does it not? So I'm looking at these examples and hoping I'm able to continue to satisfy you as well as others. Thank you for another.
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Last Updated ( Friday, 22 February 2008 )
 
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