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Short Stories Humor The Volatile Toilet
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The Volatile Toilet |
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| Written by Robert Quintin Penn | |
| Wednesday, 30 January 2008 | |
My wife and I have been married for only a few years now, and we have been doing just fine. I am very good at my job, she is a very good cook, and our house is quite large. Fortunately, she does not smoke like I do. As a child, I promised myself to be a good example, to follow the law, and I am glad that I did. Even when I had turned 18 and could legally smoke I did not have an interest. But just before I married, I just started. I do not know why, but I just did. Numerous times I have attempted to quite, but I have failed up until now.
I have been smoke free for a couple of months. So what changed my ways? My wife, being somewhat of an idiot since she is a blond woman, caused an accident that ended up with me needing medical treatment. This is the short of it:
It was a Tuesday afternoon, and as she told me, she was spraying the bathroom with a cheap pesticide aerosol. For some reason or another, the button managed to get stuck, and it continued to spray. What did my wife do? No, she did not take it outside, open a window, or anything like that. No, she sprayed the rest of the contents into the toilet. And on her merry little way to clean the kitchen she went.
Work was a pain that day, and I just needed to be left alone. Upon reaching home, I immediately went to the restroom to relieve myself. Taking a seat, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. After finishing it, instead of putting the smoldering remains of it into the ash tray, I just let it drop into the water in the toilet, the very same toilet that I just happened to be sitting on. That pesticide did not like flame, no matter how small that flame was. My wife loves to tell neighbors about what happened next.
She heard me scream, and then the bathroom door flung open, and I fell as I tried to run with my pants around my ankles. “Geez, hon; last night's dinner wasn't that bad.” Now I was pissed. “MY ASS IS ON FIRE! PLEASE STAND THERE AND CONTEMPLATE ON WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!”
As the ambulance came to pick me up, my wife talked with the paramedics about what happened. One of the guys carrying the stretcher, laughed so hard that he dropped me, and I landed on my head. At the hospital, they took care of the third degree burns on my butt, groin, and back of my thighs. I assume what they gave me for my head was an aspirin or some generic drug. At this point, I was just fine.
Now I only smoke when I'm on fire.
Comments (8) |
 01-31-2008 21:20, 'now i only smoke when I'm on fire' Lol the guy should write a how to quit smoking book: set your ass on fire » Reply to this comment...  02-01-2008 03:47, was priceless. » Reply to this comment...  02-01-2008 04:35, Cute story. Short, qucik witted..great job! » Reply to this comment...  02-01-2008 05:05, Sounds like a lawsuit, dropping you on your head like that. Thought it was funny, however, not sure the last line warrants a laugh. gave it a 5 cause i'm in a good mood today. » Reply to this comment...  02-01-2008 18:03, very funny story, the last line was very funny...well written » Reply to this comment...  02-02-2008 13:42, now i have one more thing to worrry about... fine last line! *don't know how many blonds carry weapons, you might want to consider a lightweight flak jacket... write on! » Reply to this comment...  02-10-2008 15:12, Last line made me laugh. It was a good, entertaining story. » Reply to this comment...  02-11-2008 12:35, funny. The last line was the best 'Now I only smoke when I'm on fire'. Priceless. » Reply to this comment... |
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