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The Sea |
| Written by Cody Horonzy | |
| Friday, 25 January 2008 | |
The Sea
Here I stand staring at the sea. As I look up to the sky I can see him looking down at me. He knows I can’t get to him up there, because if I try he will just hold me down. I’m just not meant for the gates up there in the sky. She said she would meet me here when the sun retreats. Perhaps it won’t come back up tomorrow. I hope that’s true. Then nobody will have to suffer anymore. The guns and the ammo and the killing I just can’t take it anymore. Today I killed a family because they had an anti government flag in their house. I was ordered to shoot them down. They were completely helpless not capable of being able to hurt this organization. But still I had to shoot them.
I went in took care of the father and then the mother and the children. I put a blanket over their heads and kissed them goodbye. I washed the blood off my hands and emptied my machine gun and sat down and cried. Why do we have to keep enforcing this senseless, killing. War is not the answer only love can conquer hate. Reports came in yesterday that a young man was crucified and a young woman was shot in the head. They were both lovers I was told. You know what we did to his body after he died. We strung it up on a tall building. He’s almost completely rotted out now. I want so much to take him off but if I do they will kill me. I know this Bureau is not just and it is sick but it’s the only way I can keep my poor family alive.
I hate this place called earth. It seems like nothing ever grows anymore. I’ve tried to save a place in my brain from all the cuts and the scratches but I can’t do this anymore. They tell us that god gives us sight and we can see the light. But I don’t see any ******* light. There is no god on our side. We’re just making a mockery of ourselves. When I was just a little kid my parents always told me how I was going to have such a good life here in America. But then my head fell apart and I ended up here fighting a pointless religious war. When I first started killing innocents it was nothing to me. I had no remorse in my soul for them. I truly believed the force of god was with me. I was doing what he wanted me to do. But now I’ve woken up and realized he is a fake. I’ve devoted my life to killing for him. I stare in the mirror and I say look at the piggy in the mirror. I am the piggy. I am the disgusting swine I never wanted to be.
The only real connection I have with anyone anymore is, her. I met her years ago when this war just was starting. But I sent her far away from here. I didn’t want them to recruit her. I didn’t want her to become a pig. She used to stand there and smile but when I put my Bureau uniform on her eyes would sort of wander. I know she hates what I do. That’s why I sent her away with her family to escape. So many nights I twist and turn between the horrid dreams of me killing fathers and mothers to wishing I was sleeping with her in a bed made of roses. But just the other day I got a postcard from her. She said that she would meet me here at the sea. She said her family was going to return the favor and take me far away from here. I’d do anything to get out of this place so here I stand.
Now it’s starting to rain. Like the blood the rain is falling. It almost looks red to me now. Everything I see anymore is the smear of red. Innocent blood red, I can see that little girl’s face as I shot her parents in front of her. I told her to turn around and then I shot her in the back. I am such a failure. But if I can get out of here I can start a new life with her. She’s going to be so happy to see me. I know I can’t wait to see her face. I need to see her face because I can barely see her in my brain anymore. Her face is just a smear reflecting in the chrome. I need to get her full image in my head again. And I need to keep here there forever.
I throw my helmet in the waves. It falls in as the waves consume it throwing it against the rocks below me. I rip the patch from my arm. Bureau of Morality: One Nation Under God. Screw this nation. I’m going to my own nation with her. We’ll start something new. I’ll build a grave for all the innocents I’ve killed. And I’ll go there everyday and repent for them.
The hours pass by like minutes. I guess she lost faith in me. She grew up and realized what a monster I am. She was supposed to be here three hours ago. She stood me up. I’m seeing that little girl’s face again. She’s crying with her back against the wall and my gun is pointing at her vulnerable backside. Why can’t I just get her out of my head? The love of my life has been lost in my brain but this little girl still remains.
I guess it’s finally time to do what I should have done a long time ago. I look at the waves and see the current getting stronger. I look in my bloodstained clip. One bullet left. That bed of roses is gone. She’s sleeping there alone. I load the gun and point the barrel at my face. This is what I deserve. I’m a pig and this is what pigs deserve. Now I sit here staring at the sea with a fuzzy red color spilling out of my head.
Copyright 2008 Cody |
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