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Awareness |
| Written by Barbie Dorrough | |
| Wednesday, 16 January 2008 | |
Awareness. Agony tastes like copper. I’m throbbing. Am I on fire? I wait, sensing, evaluating. No… Stop trying. It’s too much, I feel really sick. Dizzy. Nauseous. I smell something acrid. I can't breathe through my nose. I cant? I’m breathing through my mouth. I taste something acrid. Acrid and coppery. It’s dark. Where am I? I test my eyes, they’re closed. OPEN! Too much effort. I feel a gooey movement, the lids are weighted, but they work. Good. I open my eyes just a little, as much as I can. I see bright translucent blue. It hurts my eyes. What is that? Recognition. It’s the sky. I’m looking at the clear blue sky. I see a fluff of cloud, its dark and gray. Wait, no, that’s not a cloud. Its smoke, I see smoke. I’m concerned. I try to look towards the smoke, but I can’t. My eyes hurt. My eyeballs hurt. Red haze clouds my view. Blurry blackness creeping in. Pain. Ok, don’t do that. I attempt to turn my head instead. It feels weighted, I can’t. I try to open my mouth. Can I make sound? My mouth feels glued, wet, mushy. I feel liquid in my throat. I taste blood. Oh. The coppery taste. Oh yeah, I hurt. My throat feels like broken glass and my stomach feels twisted. Too much blood in it. Why would I think that?Three heads come into view, all at once, looking over the top of me. Faces obscure with the bright blue sky behind them. They hover close. I strain to see. They are talking all at once. I can’t understand them. Why can’t I understand them? I strain to hear. I’m hearing underwater. But I still feel burning, stinging, aching. Throbbing. I can hear pain. It sounds like wha wha wha. I struggle to make out what they are saying. Oneeey? SSStaaa ssstiiill… Doooaaan mmmooooov! So far away. Was I moving? I’m confused, why shouldn’t I move? Focus. I know that face. That’s my professor. Visaloco? My Italian professor? Dr Visaloco. Oh yeah. Professor credit card crazy. That’s how I remember his name. I feel a laugh. My chest jerks. Piercing! Choking waves of nausea! Black seeps into my line of sight. Stop. Wait. Breathe. Wait. Focus again. The other one. A red headed woman. I have seen her before. Is she a neighbor? Did I know her name? The third, a black woman. She works with my husband. I should know her name. What is her name? Dark laughter bubbles inside me. Hysteria. Hey! Its me, Dorothy! Awakened from Oz! I know you and YOU and YOU!!! Auntie Em ! Auntie Em! Don’t laugh! DON’T LAUGH!! Focus. They look scared. That scares me. I feel stinging, burning, aching. Bahberrraaah! Bahberrraaah! Hey, that’s me! Dr. Visaloco says my name funny. I desperately want to laugh. Stinging in my sides. It hurts to try not to laugh too. What is he saying? Cahahzzideeen? What?? He looks so sincere. Can’t anyone else talk to me? What the hell is he saying? I try to understand. I strain to remember. Nothing. Deep breath, Am I ok? I think I’m shouting, but I can’t hear myself. Why can’t I talk? Terror grips me. Oh, that hurt. Calm down. Hold still. Deep breath. Try again. Concentrate on moving my mouth. A M I O K? I can hear it faintly, from underwater, “mmmu mu mkuh?” Oh man, was that me? I feel the laugh threatening. I taste fresh blood. Oh no, please please please don’t laugh. Focus. They converse with each other. Conspiring. They look at me. They don’t answer me. They won’t answer me. I’m stricken. My heart sinks. Oh GOD that hurt. I try to move. Nothing is happening. OK, slow down, one thing at a time. Can I move my head? I try in earnest. It moves only a tiny bit. I feel a rock under my head. OH MY GOD. Black nausea washes over me. Only a pinpoint of light. Wait! Oh that hurt so bad. Hold ... Stay here. Ok, note to self, don’t do that again. Take a sec, just a sec. Breathe. Move my arms. Nothing. Nothing? Oh damn. Ok, how about my fingers? Concentrate. Jerky movement, just a bit. I feel something hard. Grainy. Rough on my fingertips. Something warm sliding between my fingers. My palms are burning. Sticky. Pain in my chest, oh! oh! …breathe slowly. Ok, if I can move my fingers, I still have arms. Good. Nausea. Wait. Don’t move too much. Try to think. Where am I? I look up again. Focus. The black woman. What is her name? She is talking. Accident? Car accident? Where are my children? OH GOD NO! Where are my children? NO NO NO NO…”moph moph moph moph” Panic. Agony! Knives in my chest, in my head! My heart is going to explode! Wave of black. Blood in my mouth. Soothing voices. Wait! Hold on! Hold on! Try. Calm down. Concentrate. Ok… My children. Where are they? Where am I? Think, think, think… I’m going to school. Alone? Yes! I am alone! I’m driving. Yes! I was driving to school. My children are at home! I still feel burning, stinging, aching. OH man. Oh man. Sobbing relief! I can feel warm tears sliding into my ears. I have ears! It feels so good. Tears feel clean. My chest is on fire. I need to tell her. Deep breath, I scream wetly, THEY ARE AT HOME! … “mayf ma eh hmmmmf!”… She smiles at me! She understands! Oh no, my children are at home! I am here.. What’s going to happen to them? I look at her, pleading. Please read my mind! Focus! I can’t breathe enough to scream again! Knives in my chest! Help me! She is so close. I can barely hear her. It will be ok Barbara, Ill go get your children. She understands. Relief. She smiles at me, I relax. I cry harder. Oh, it hurts so bad. I’m so happy she is here. I wish I could remember her name. She backs away from me. Wait! Terror! Where are you going? DON’T LEAVE ME! I breathe too hard to scream. I can feel my mouth flap like a wet valve. Men? How many? I open my eyes wide. Red blurs my view. They are talking too fast. Moving too fast. Blocking out the sky. I can’t understand. One touches me. OH MY GOD, he’s moving me! HE IS MOVING ME. I’m a rag doll, and he is tearing me to pieces! I’m the scarecrow! Burning liquid black washes over me in waves. FOCUS! The world turns. AAAHHHH. Please stop! Soothing voices. I’m going to puke. Only a pinpoint of light. I see the street. Was I in the road? Pain SEARING PAIN. Cool fabric. Rising up, turning again. HOLD ON. HOLD ON. Ambulance, fire truck, flames. Is that my car? Moving. Oh! I’m being bounced. Wha wha wha… Stop it! Stop it! AHHHH AGONY… OH MY GOD! Blackness. Am I here? I see the sky. Stopped. Relief. Still again. Breathe. Calm down. I feel stinging, burning, aching. Throbbing. Wha wha wha …Oh! Its the black woman….. please don’t leave me! I remember I remember. My husband is gone, he’s in the states for a funeral, I am on my way to class. I didn’t make the turn, I didn’t make it! My kids are home. They are all alone! They need me! My husband is gone and they need me! I promised to be back in a few hours! They wont understand! Deepest breath, swallowing blood, choking. Nausea. Oh man, please focus. I scream CALL MY HUSBAND! HIS NUMBER IS 5419631247!! Did I say it? oh god… Did she hear me? I spit too much, warm gush from my mouth. Did she understand? Blood fills my mouth again. I’m drowning. My eyes roll into my head. Can you see your brains scarecrow? It hurts, oh man oh man oh man, it hurts. Thick waves. Wha wha wha. She is touching my burning hand. Stay with us Barbara. Ok, you stay with me! I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name. TALK TO US BARBARA! ... Eyes rolling. Nausea. Black waves. Focus. I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying. Deep wet breath, last try, I can’t., “mah mamt.” Blackness. Copyright 2008 Barbie Dorrough |
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| Last Updated ( Thursday, 17 January 2008 ) |
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