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Thoughts of AA 4 |
| Written by Thomas | |
| Tuesday, 15 January 2008 | |
#30 What to do? What do think? My mind starts to pace. I really start to feel for those like me, On Earth there is no place. I cannot keep going, No more life can I unfurl. So, to look down or look up, To the fiery gates or the ones made of pearl? I think these things,And then come to grips, It is not my decision, I should bite down on my lips. But something must change, Or one of those places I’ll end. Be it by God’s hand,
Or my own, I will descend or ascend. - January 15, 2008 #31 People ask me, “What do you want to do?” I want to tell them, “Live a simple life, just like you”. People ask me, “How are things going?” I want to tell them, “Better” but honestly the pain inside me is growing. People ask me, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I want to tell them, “Dead, high, or drunk off 10 beers”. People ask me questions on a daily basis, And to them I must lie sadly just to save face. - January 15, 2008 #32 I number these because I don’t care. These are just mere writings that will end up nowhere. I number these because they deserve no title. These are just thoughts, but I’m told to write them is vital. I number these so I can see the progression. The progression of my obsession with aggression and depression. I number these to see my worsening condition, And wonder at what number I will give in to my life’s tightening submission. - January 15, 2008 #33 From the depths of my soul I wonder. Why me. Why now. Questions like these, I sit all day and I ponder. Yet no answer falls upon my weary soul. The more that I think, deeper and deeper becomes my hole. It gets so deep that it is un-escapable and the memories too, un-erasable. And my whole childhood too, is irreplaceable. I’m done, I give up, my white flag’s raising, But the sad thing is my story ain’t special, it really ain’t that amazing. - January 15, 2008 #34 I came into a situation into which much guidance was needed. I was lost in life without a roadmap. So I looked to my shoulders for advice. I turned to my left and saw a small red devil looking my way. I asked the devil, “What should I do. I have no place in this world. I cannot find a lock for my key. What would you recommend for a soul such as mine?” The devil looked at me with a slight grin, “Why not end it all?” I am angered; I call upon guidance and the first advice given was to end it all. Disappointed I turned to my right shoulder and, expecting to see a four inch angel in all its majesty, but instead I saw a replica of the tiny devil still weighing down my left shoulder. “You? I already have you. Give me the angel that all are rightly given”, I demanded. The devil sat down on my shoulder as if we were friends, hell maybe we were, and said, “You needed help. I heard you calling and came, quicker than the angel which you hold in higher regards. What help is it that you could possibly need?” Puzzled, I pondered this information. Could the angel that sits on everyone’s shoulder really have forsaken me? Could it, at my lowest low, just have walked away; turned a cold shoulder and blind eye to me? My question was answered as I spent the rest of the day conversing with the 2 devil’s roosting upon my shoulders. - January 15, 2008 Copyright 2008 Thomas |
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