Been on my own for almost five years now.

Got rid of dickess after he had continued to stay out all weekend partying and not coming home. Only so much of that crap a girl can put up with!! Cancelled all the sports channels on sky and put his belongings in bin bags and sent them to his mas in a taxi. I remember feeling so liberated that day!!

So anyway here I am five years on and still manless. My two best friends decided a few months ago it was time I started dating again.

So there I was last Saturday night, after having a full body wax and a spray tan the day before, (you never know when you might get lucky apparently) putting on my make-up and fussing over which dress to wear. We were all heading out together, we often had girly nights, but this one was different because tonight we were hunting.

I had just had the most shittiest day ever. My two kids had went out of their way to piss me off more so than usual. They had taken paints out earlier and I now had a multi-coloured floor in one of my bedrooms and a few tasteful splashes on one of the walls. They had fought constantly over what to watch on t.v and had messed around with their dinners feeding most of it to the dog who was lounging under the kitchen table.

It would take a hell of a special man to put up with this ****!!!

We hit our local about 9.30 and it was depressing really. There were two old men in the corner one looked like he was in the process of dying and the other was draining the last of his beer out of his pint glass while trying to stay upright in his chair. At the other end of the bar was a crowd of noisy teenage boys they were downing shots and beer and doing a great impression of performing monkeys. I just wanted to go home!!

The club we went to wasn’t much better. It was full of early twenty somethings all flaunting their pert little boobs and flatter than flat stomachs. The men were not much better some had better tans than me!! I decided if I had to stick this night out I was going to need something very strong to get me through.

So after five aftershocks and seven vodka and diet cokes ( always watching the calorie intake) I can honestly say I was truly pissed. On my way to the toilet I stopped to admire a dress this young little skinny was wearing when I lost my balance. I went backwards onto a table, drinks flew in every direction and I must have passed out which is just as well.

When I came around I was in the toilet with my girlfriends splashing water on my face and ruining my make -up in the process. “We’re going to take you home love we think you’ve had enough for one night”. You think???

As if the nightclub fiasco wasn’t enough I vomited up the kebab I had eaten earlier in the back of the taxi. So the fair cost us £25 taking into account cleaning expenses and I had to leave my friends dress into the drycleaners as she didn’t get out of my way quick enough!!

Home to bed I went.

The next morning I had the mother of all hangovers. I had to lie on the sofa all day and watch helplessly as my kids demolished my house piece by piece. I don’t know how I managed to survive that day???

So here I am Saturday again a fortnight later my girlfriends are on their way over and we are heading out again. I’m still fussing over what to wear and my kids are going crazy in the next room. I’m wondering if I’m mad???

But my mother always told me “ never give up”. So must dash theres my taxi and the hunt is on…