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Hitler |
| Written by Jake Bullock | |
| Monday, 14 January 2008 | |
Hitler It was that time of the year again in the Johnson household, that time that comes once a year usually during the hot summer days. It was time for LBJ to take his wife Ladybird to get another abortion. Dr. Drew the abortionist doctor lived right down the street next to the Wendys. Actually behind the Wendys, in an old dirty shed. So LBJ got out his trusty Red Flyer wagon, loaded his pregnant wife in and kicked her down the hill in the general direction of the Wendys. He then drove his Escalade down and picked her out from the rubble of the crashed wagon. Using a system of pulleys and chains, he managed to get her lard ass to the shed. He knocked and said “Here’s a new one Drew.” But the voice that answered was not that of kind Dr. Drew. The door of the shed opened and a dapper looking man stood there. “My name is Dr. Pepper, Dr. Drew is out today” he said, eager to get to baby killing. “Well, I have a juicy fella for you today Dr. Pepper, I hope you are fully qualified to destroy innocent life” LBJ answered. “But of course” Dr. Pepper said, and he dragged Ladybird, who was now unconscious, into the shed. He propped her up on the death table and pulled out his death claws. It was about this time that LBJ, sitting in the waiting chair reading The Daily Prophet, noticed that Dr. Drew was indeed at work today. Or at least part of his body was. His bushy head was mounted on the wall by way of nail gun. “Well you learn something new everyday” LBJ thought to himself. See, he had previously believed that it was only possible to mount a head on the wall by going to a proper taxidermist and paying him to do that job. But now he discovered this awesome ghetto way of doing it and he started thinking of different heads he could mount on his wall when he got home. “JFK would be perfect for the living room if only I hadn’t blown his head off with that laser rifle and then framed that Oswald guy” he thought. Meanwhile, at the death table, Dr. Pepper was busy working his death claw deep within Ladybird Johnson’s cooter. He kept hitting something hard, probably the babies newly forming skull, but couldn’t quite get a hold on it. After a few hours of intensive work he managed to securely claw the baby and rip it from its mothers womb. He knew immediately he had a “wriggler”, a medical term meaning an aborted baby that’s still alive. He knew because of all the screaming and crying. He was about to toss it in the trash compactor when he noticed something. The baby had a small little rectangle mustache. So he thought it over, and decided the mustache baby would live. Dr. Pepper raised him as his own, allowed him to suckle at his sweet Dr. Pepper teets, and once the lad was good and strong he released it to the wild, aka Europe. And that’s how Hitler was born. This story is weird.
Copyright 2008 Jake Bullock |
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