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Regret |
| Written by Bianca | |
| Friday, 11 January 2008 | |
My eyes shot open to the sounds of Keera’s cries, I sucked my teeth and rolled off my bed. I had school the next day, the last thing I wanted to do was stay up soothing the baby. I slowly walked over to the screaming child, it was dark but I could still see her squirming around in the crib. I stared at her for a moment, watching her twist turn and stretch her legs as she continued to cry. My arms reached into the crib and grasped onto her tiny body and brought her close to me. I laid her on my chest and bounced her up and down, trying to get her to shut up. I didn’t even realize when she stopped, my mind was somewhere else, probably asleep. I placed my seed back in her crib and took myself back to sleep. I could do without Keera, I could do without having to wake up in the middle of the night, I could do without having to go straight home after school, I could do without every little responsibility Keera put on me. I wish she had gotten that abortion... School was my only escape from my child and for the past four months I’ve been enjoying it like no other. My momma told me it wasn’t going to be easy without Keera’s mother, but I ain’t think it was going to be like this.. My momma is another one I like to escape from; she gave me birth, raised me on her own trying to make sure I got the best, there’s no reason not to love her, and I do. More than I love Keera, more than I loved her mother, more than I love myself, but I hate having to watch her die. I don’t understand why God gave me this life. God. I stopped believing in him a long time ago, I know where I’m going in my afterlife. I’ve done so much things in my life I don’t even think I’m allowed back in church, but that’s okay my momma seems to have enough faith for the both of us. She thanks God for everyday she gets to see her granddaughter and only son. I thank the medication. Life isn’t easy when you have to take care of a baby, your momma, and yourself. I’m the man of the house, but when barely legal there’s no job out there to pay $250 for six pills to keep my momma breathing. To pay for baby formula, diapers, and whatever else that damn baby needed. Forget me, I was already sporting last year’s Jordans, my wardrobe consisted of white tees and jeans, and my food was provided by the school, I was living like those fools me and my boys used to clown; times have changed now... From the lowest of lows came the highest of highs. Her name was Erin. I didn’t care for the girl, but every other guy did. They told me I’d be stupid not to get with her. She looked good, I wasn’t going to lie; dark brown hair, hazel eyes, light skin. Any other time she would of been my main chick, I just didn’t have time or money to be spending on another female. But like I said, from the lowest of lows came the highest of highs. Erin was a big daddy’s girl, his one and only, and come to find out her daddy had money growing on trees. Me being her "man" she did what she had to do to keep my "love". She payed for my momma’s pills, got Keera all her baby needs, she even started buying me sneakers every time a new one came out. Everything was good, we were like a young loving family, except the ‘loving’ part was shared between Erin and Keera. Everything between us was physical, I don’t even think we ever said ‘I love you’ to each other, but I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to go back to my crap life I was happy. But looks like happiness always seems to come to an end for me, and once again it was my fault. For us mot to be in love I should of known not to trust her with any of my secrets, especially the ones about Keera’s mother. I told her how I killed her a month after she gave birth to my seed, and how I got some people to get rid of her body. She’s been "missing" for a good four, five months now. I felt bad about the whole thing, I swear I would take everything I did back, but life doesn’t seem to have any do-overs, if it did I wouldn’t of said anything to Erin. Not even two hours after I told my deepest darkest secret to her, I had police surrounding my house. My momma screamed and cried for me as they dragged me out the house, "Evan Thomas you are under arrest for the murder of Camille Waters ." I blocked out there voices right after that line. Tell me how they found out? Tell me how I was being shoved into the back of this car for something I knew I did, but was still a mystery to everyone else We locked eyes for a good minute; mine were filled with hate, her’s were filled with tears I know she wasn’t crying for me, I swear if I could of gotten out that car... Turn’s out Erin was Camille’s half sister and she seemed to be smarter than the cops, who were trying to find out what happened to Camille. Camille never told me she had any siblings; whole, half, quarter, nothing. This is why I never trusted woman, they always seemed to get me in trouble. I’ve been staring at these same walls for the past three years and I still have the rest of my life to go... I got news that my momma died a few months ago, I didn’t cry though, I thought she died long before so it was more of an assurance to me. Erin ended up adopting Keera, but I really don’t give a damn. I wish they gave me the death penalty, it would have been better than having to wake up at four in the morning, work long hours, eat dog food, and be harassed by those who are suppose to ‘serve and protect’, but I guess life doesn’t work that way, mine at least... Copyright 2008 Bianca |
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