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Zombies |
| Written by Jake Bullock | |
| Friday, 11 January 2008 | |
Chapter 1 The terrorist camp was stirring. They had been living in the wilds of Mexico for 11 days, eating only wild plants and wild animals and wild feces from the animals and themselves. Mostly feces. As dawn cracked on the horizon, the terrorists began to wake up. Today was the big day, and they had lots of prayer stuff to do to make sure this holy mission goes down right. They all pulled out their Korans and shaved their bodies in unison, which was really strange and awkward, but they made it through without anyone crying. “Where is the Polyjuice Potion?” Faheed, the most clever terrorist, asked. “Polyjuice Potion” was the nickname the terrorists had been using for the mind mutating virus they had been waiting to use. They needed a code word that was innocent and American sounding so they wouldn’t get noticed. Faheed was a big Harry Potter fan so they just decided on Polyjuice. Faheed had the Arabic version of Harry Potter, where it’s actually called “The Life of English Infidel Dark Sorcerer Child”. Same basic story though. “The Potion is in my Gucci bag in the smallest pocket” said Shafeed, who was admiring his newly shaved testicles. Shafeed, who’s name means Goat Molestor, was a goat molestor. He was an outcast in his hometown of Teru’kahta because he molested the entire flock of goats. After being molested, none of the goats were feeling confident enough to produce sweet milks and whatever else they use goats for, and sad times were had by all. The Great Goat Drought was long and hard, and anti-goat molesting propaganda was at an all time high. After banishing Shafeed, he people needed a scapegoat (HAHA) to blame for their goat lacking issues and so they blamed America and that’s why they hate us so much “Shafeed, stop admiring yourself and go get the car ready!” said Jaheed, the leader of the motley crew. Jaheed was the oldest, and in charge of carrying Operation Mind Guzzler (OMG) for his tribe leader back in Afghanistan. OMG was a mission that would not only destroy the infidels, but make the US destroy themselves. Thinking about all of this was giving Jaheed a hard on, which was unholy and creepy, so he quickly prayed for forgiveness and pulled up his pants. Everyone bid farewell to their humble camp and walked to the car, where Shafeed was making sure everything was ready to go. The car was actually a wagon, which had been constructed out of wood scraps found in the desert. They had rounded up a few wild coyotes, and tied them to the front of the wagon. It was a makeshift chariot of sorts, they wanted to go for the classy Ancient Greek look with it. “Such a hot ride,” Faheed said dreamily, “will be a shame to leave her behind.” “Nonsense, their will be 99 virgin coyote mobiles waiting for you in the Promised Land!” interjected Jaheed. “How can a coyote mobile be a virgin?” Faheed replied. “Listen, everything you get in the promised land comes in the form of 99 virgin versions of that thing. Virgin women, virgin cars, virgin money, it’s just all virgin up there,” said Jaheed. “So I guess a virgin coyote mobile would be one no one has ever ridden before,” added Shafeed. “Is all the alcohol in the Promised Land virgin too?” asked Faheed. “Alcohol is unholy of course it’s not in the Promised Land, you best pray for forgiveness right now while I beat you with this cactus whip I made,” bursted Jaheed. It had taken days for Jaheed to construct his super sweet cactus whip. It was like a big whip but made of cactus so it hurt so much more. “Hey boys we don’t have time for this, we need to deliver this OMG stuff to J” said Shafeed. J was the name of their contact in Mexico City. All they knew was that J had what they needed
Copyright 2008 Jake Bullock |
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