|
|
|
Lessons |
| Written by Dirk | |
| Tuesday, 01 January 2008 | |
The old man lay in his bed. As he glanced around the room, he did not really see the things that met his eyes, like a tired reader of a novel whose eyes will skim over the words without actually reading them. The stained bedsheets had bunched up underneath him, and over the course of a few days had rubbed the fragile skin of his lower back until it had become a large weeping sore. The man was aware of the sore, aware of the pain, yet he could not bring himself to reach out with his hand, only a few spaces towards the call button to bring the carer to his room. He knew what reaction calling the carer would bring. The woman was well meaning, and nice to the other residents. The problem for the man was that she considered anyone who was unresponsive to be "no longer there" as he had heard her remark to other people, and the level of care that a resident recieved depended on this. The man had not spoken or communicated with her or any other staff for nearly six years. Crusts of dried food lined the sides of his mouth, his catheter bag was full of stale urine as it hung beside the bed, and his pain medication had not been administered for nearly three days. Three days or more would often go by before the woman might find her way to checking these things. She concentrated more on the patients who could show appreciation for the care they got. He would never ring the bell for her help. Pain shot through his stomach like a wave. Daggers seemed to be stabbing him, sharp blades that felt like they were tearing his internal organs to shreds. Tears weeped from his eyes uncontrollaby, yet the man did not cry out. Laying perfectly still, he waited for the pain to pass. He knew this was what he deserved. This is my punishment for what I have done. All those years ago. Driving in the rain. Two children on their bikes. Ahh, pain! A mouthful of vomit, let it stay there. Why didn't I pull over to read the map? The sound, so horrible. The newspapers, it was me. I hoped they were allright, but it was me. I did it. I didn't stop. This is my punishment. The litany of punishment held him firmly to his course of passive suicide. He would endure this slow and painful death that had been dealt to him. The cancer of his bowels could not compare to the cancer of guilt that had consumed his mind, his whole life after that day.The pain was not passing this time, it seemed to be getting worse. Sweat broke out on his forehead, and a painful cramp forced him to jerk upright in bed and moan. The temptation to ring that button had never beens so strong before, he felt his hand reaching towards it. He stopped himself in time. Then everything went black. ************
'Welcome back my love' said Older. 'Aaah' said Younger. Memory from seven million, four thousand, three hundred and sixty two lives were rushing back to Younger. The old man was receding to its place in these memories as Younger returned. Restrictions such as physical sight were lifted and Younger saw Older in its familiar form. A great presence radiated love from a distance away. 'I am back' said Younger. 'Yes. Do you need longer?' 'I am steadied now.' Rushing towards Older, Younger felt a rush of exhiliration pass through it's soul. Infinitely larger than any human body could contain, Younger still could not quite grasp the lessons that older wanted him to learn, that size and shape were concepts in any existence, and concepts were limits to be broken. Younger moved instantaneously to Older, while Older maintained the distance between them in an invitation to chase it. The paradox of instantaneous travel to a destination that maintained its distance would have shattered a purely physical world like the old man's, yet here they could give chase to each other with no consequence to physical laws. Laughing, younger created a human mouth on its form to express the laughter as a physical response. The atmosphere around them solidified at his command to carry the sound waves to ears that Older hastily created on it's own form.Older laughed on several planes of existence at once, finally allowing Younger to catch it. As they wrapped their forms around each other in an approximation of a hug, Younger saw with senses greater than physical as well as being physical on several planes. Older could shift between physical planes and theoretical planes with ease. Now Older shone with ultraviolet rays that human eyes could not see.Now Older shimmered like rainbows from the world Younger had just departed.Now older became a two dimensional image of a cloud, now four dimensional tesseract with an infinite universe inside it. Rapidly it changed forms in this manner.Younger attempted to change it's form at the same speed. Younger became pure light, shifting from frequencys to spectrums beyond the visible light of his human life. Eyes that were capable of detecting all of these frequencies formed on Older's suddenly solid mass, and it watched appreciatively as Younger flashed colors in a dazzling display. Using human measurements, Younger counted off one hundred thousand different colors before changing it's form to a single point. In a 0 dimension Older was momentarily unable to find Younger, laughing as it changed its perceptions to see Younger hiding in its paradoxical form. 'Enough! Enough my love!' said Older. The plane of existence, the universe they were in was an extension of Older's will. It shimmered and changed as much as the two beings that inhabited it. It changed from its 0 dimension to an existence that had familiar dimensions to Younger. They were in a park on a sunny day, with a bench to sit on.Older took the shape of a human, a male this time. Younger took a female shape, knowing that differentation between sexes was irrelevant here, yet enjoying the concept of distinction between itself and Older. 'Is this comfortable?' said Older, physically from vocal cords. 'Yes this will do nicely' said Younger. 'Every time you return you grow more capable of losing the restrictions of the human mind. I am pleased with this.' 'I am as well. I learn more with each lifetime.' 'What, then, have you learned from this mans life?' 'Here was a man who allowed guilt to consume him. Like other lives before him, he could not allow for his friends and family to know his shame, and so he bore it alone. He had a choice to come forward and claim responsibility for the accidental deaths of the two children. Instead he hid from his actions, until the guilt became all that he could feel. His life after that point became a sad game of waiting to die.Other lives that I have lived have had similar consequences, and similar choices. Men and women who have confessed to hit and run killings have borne the shame and scorn of family, friends and strangers. The guilt is no less intense for these people, yet in most cases their lives are not consumed by it.' 'Do you have any insights?' 'I believe I do. The people wish to be forgiven for their crimes. It is not always clear, however, where this forgiveness should come from.Those who accept responsibilty put themselves at the mercy of others. Others may show forgivenss and mercy, yet the guilty are consumed by their guilt nonetheless. While mercy may not be forthcoming from all people, this is, for humans, the first step towards forgiving themselves. Whatever punishment is justified for the deaths of the children should be accepted. The guilt must be faced and accepted too. Guilt changes intensity once the guilty has forgiven his or herself. It does not dissapear, it is simply assigned a different meaning, and no longer consumes the lives of the guilty.' 'Excellent! You see now the value of the human world. Concepts that I wish to teach you are learned best in a universe where the inhabitants are painfully aware of the insubstantial, while being trapped in the merely physical. I was taught in the same universe that you were, Younger. I have lived many of the lives that you have lived, hidden in the mind of the humans, observing without really knowing I was there. You grow much faster than I do, Younger. I believe you are nearly ready to move to the Realm with me. But there are other lessons to be learned from the human world. When you are ready I will send you back.Do you have a preference?' 'I wish to be the mother of the two children who died.She seemed so sad, so angry at the world when seen in the newspapers as the man read about her reaction to his crime. I wish to know her life from the start so that I can understand the loss she felt. It will be much like many other lives I have lived, mothers losing children, husbands losing wives, friends losing friends.Yet I am continually amazed at the unique feelings that each person experiences in similar circumstances.' 'I understand.Perspective changes much when living these lives. One man might feel less guilt over the same crime as another. Her life is full with a guilt that consumes her in the same way that the man felt. You will discover this. Very well my love, if you are ready?' 'Yes.' Younger lost it's female form and became pure soul. Older used it's will to shift the soul to the human universe and place it in the mind of the fetus. The soul of the woman would coexist with the soul of Younger, neither knowing the other was there.What the woman experienced, thought and felt Younger would experience also.Younger would not rememeber its true form until after death.The woman was born before the old man who died, and she would die well before him too. Time meant nothing to Older, who could place Younger in any life in any order from the start of this universe to its ending. When Younger had grown enough from these experiences, it would be time to take it to the Realm, to find its way through infinity and beyond. 'I will see you soon my love.' 'Wait, I have a few questions. The human souls, where do they come from? Who created them? And why am I unable to remember further back than when you brought me to this place? Why do I live these lives?' 'It is good that you ask these questions, sooner than I would have expected. This means that you are becoming prepared for the truth that awaits you in the Realm. I did not create the human souls, nor did I create the universe they exist in. You, on the other hand are different. I created you, here in this place that you return to each time. I am to you what mothers and fathers are to humans. Your nature is mine. To make you unique, to make you the individual you are becoming, that is the reason that you live these lives, learning these lessons.More I cannot say, except that the answers you seek will come in time, when you are ready.' 'I see. I shall wait then. I will see you soon, my love.' Older willed Younger into it's next life. ************
The woman lay in the bath. Guilt consumed her. Her children dead, all because she let them out on their own, to ride bikes by themselves for the first time. She hated that they were taken from her. She hated the coward who had driven away and lived a free life.She hated her abusive father, her abusive ex-husband, the shame she had lived with for her entire life. Her only joy in life had been her sons. Her chance to give someone the life, the love that had been denied to her.And now thanks to her careless decision to let them ride their bikes around the neighbourhood, they were gone. Raising the knife to her wrist, she cut deeply down her her arm from wrist to elbow...
Copyright 2008 Dirk |
|
| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 02 July 2008 ) |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
via Email