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The Problem With Thinking Matter 1 :Phillip Caulk Goes To Space:(the hungover savior) |
| Written by cody brinkman | |
| Sunday, 30 December 2007 | |
Phillip Caulk Goes To Space (The Hungover Savior) CodyBrinkman Sixth months ago Phillip Caulk flew his space ship into a mysteries space in the universe referred to as the "AD", which is an acronym for a long word that nobody can pronounce. Phillip Caulk was young, rich, crazy and bored. When scientists discovered the AD Caulkwas sixteen years old. They knew absolutely nothing about it. In fact four years later when Caulk announced he was going to fly head first into the thing they only knew slightly above absolutely nothing. They knew it was a rare and fleeting occurrence in our neck of the universe, and that certain death may or may not come to those who entered it. Well certain death did not befall Caulk when he flew into the AD. Mind you, everyone thought something happened to him until he contacted Wynton Sellers of Layerstown Pennsylvania. Sellers was letting his dog out of the house when his telephone rang. "Hello?" asked Sellers "Yes....Hello? To whom am I speaking!"? The voice came over the phone in crackling of pitched hums. "I'll ask first thank you!" Said Sellers, annoyed. " This is....fshshffff!......PhillipCaulk........fsshshff....." The voice was growing distant. "Phillip Caulk?" Sellers was astonished and confused. "What the hell are you doing calling me?" He asked "FFSSHHHHHfffff....thorities.........fshshss"The call cut off. Sellers hung up the phone. He pondered what he should do. He supposed he should call some officials or something. So he did. They rushed over immediately bringing with them a stuffy little man called Stoleck. "What did he say?" Stoleck was extremely excited and pushy. "It cut off, it made a lot of strange noises, and it sounded like the words were being hummed through avacuum cleaner. He only said it was him, and at the end it sound like he said authorities." Sellers was perplexed, Stoleck acted like he was lying to him. "That can't be all he said!" He said curtly "That's the long and short of it"Sellers replied. Over the next few weeks Sellers watched the news blow itself apart. It seemed like since Sellers was reached by Caulk, ten more people where reached every ten minutes. Some people received messages similar to Seller's others where more peculiar. One lady in Semington Michigan had this to say: "Well it was hard to understand, ya know? It was kinna like he was hummin through a vaccum cleaner. It sounded like he said something about Tango or Flamingo, maybe dominos? Another man in Chicago said this: "Well he called and there was a lot of disturbance on the line, but he didn't sound like he was in distress, just excited. He said something about this September." Some people were told about flamingos and tangos, some people heard that they should contact the authorities, and some people got dates. The two dates where apparently the twentieth of November, and the fifth of December. Needless to say, people went ape-shit. They hoarded cans of baked beans and artificial crab. They built bomb shelters. They inoculated their children,three times for good measure. Some stopped driving their cars. Some sold their homes. Some stopped going to church, and some started going more. Well the days went on, and ticked on down to the infamous twentieth of November. Nothing happened. Well something did happen but it didn't involve nuclear meltdown, world famine, pestilence, or four horsemen.All that happened was that on the twentieth of November, Wynton Sellers went to answer the door and found a smiling Phillip Caulk. Now, Wynton Sellers was perplexed that he was of the anonymous mass that was contacted by old Caulk. He had been trying to wave it off as nothing; he wasn't going to take part in all of this AD nonsense. He had said many times that Phillip Caulk was probably depleted to cosmic dust floating in space, and that the phone calls were from some prankster. Then he saw Caulk, all atoms intact, on his doorstep. "What the hell?" Sellers said as though he saw a ghost. "Listen Mr. Sellers I understand this is all very strange, but you needn't worry" Phillip Caulk began. He was calm and collected, Sellers was not. "How d'ya know my name, how d'yaget my phone number, and why n'tha hellr you on my porch?" He yelled. The investigator Stoleck hadn't stopped calling, and at least ten reporters where knocking on his door everyday, he had thought it was another one when Caulk knocked. Sellers had every reason to be a little disgruntled. Well Phillip Caulk explained why he was so inexplicably found on Wynton Sellers porch on that November day. It wasall very simple, his tale went like this: Upon entering the AD, Phillip caulk was immediately thrown into death. However he was not in the death of this dimension, he was in that of the seventeenth dimension. In "death" Caulk was in a state of nonbeing. Now, when one is in a state of nonbeing, he is essentially everything, and nothing, at the same time. One is neither aware nor unaware of the passing of time; in fact time has no meaning in "death". The death of the seventeenth dimension is the same as every dimension in most regards. It is a pleasant place for a nap, I you will. In death, all of "life's" little mysteries are solved, you know everything you could want to know, all secrets revealed.However, none of these little tidbits matter any longer because frankly, you're dead. Anyway. Phillip Caulk was suspended in death, for what was both a long time and no time at all. According to him,there he was, just chillin', when all of the sudden a light switched on, and someone started yelling at him. They said: "Hey! Who's in here, how the, what the, this can, howbawah..." (Series of nonsensical ramblings). Then he heard. "Hey you guys! There's someone here!.....No I mean there is someone who shouldn't be here.....Yeah I'm serious" the voice sounded perplexed and a little annoyed. Within the next few seconds, if you can call them seconds in death, Caulk was suspended in another state of being,this one not death. There was a man standing there wearing what looked like pajamas. "What are you doing here, how did you get here!" He demanded "I flew my spaceship into a fabric in space, called an AD, and here I am" Caulk was like a deer in the headlights. "An AD? " He looked puzzled then frustrated and mumbled "I thought I ordered all those holes fixed.... ok listen here buddy...." That is when according to Phillip Caulk, the creators of the universe, had some explaining to do. Yes I said creators of the universe, yes and they had explaining to do. As it turns out,an AD, which is an acronym for a word nobody can pronounce, is nothing more than a small crack in the ceiling of "death" in the seventeenth dimension, which is home to the creators of the universe. The man that found Caulk, whose name was Zerebith, had told another creator named Acolock to fix the holes a couple days ago, a couple days was years in earth time, Acolock was a slacker. The creators where at a loss for ideas, as to what should be done with Caulk. They left Caulk in a cozy room they arranged for him while they discussed the matter. After a couple of "hours", Zerebith returned to tell Caulk that the creators had invited him to a party, because they still didn't know what to do with him. So Phillip Caulk danced and drank with the most supreme beings in existence. They got drunk and laughed and talked. Early in the evening they explained why earthlings had religion, and why they loved each other, and why they had free will. They told them why we love the smell of flowers, why we ate pigs and not dogs. They told him that there were in fact aliens, and that Sasquatches were they're pets. Most of thetime when humans saw either a Sasquatch or UFO's, it is because the aliens had pulled over at earth so the Sasquatch could stretch its legs. They told him about the different versions of time, and the different versions of space. They told him that the universe was not expanding or contracting, it just did what they told it too. They told him how entertaining world war two and rap music videos were. Yes the gods got very drunk that night. It was then that Phillip Caulk, with his silver tongue, convinced the gods to let him return to earth, and he asked a special favor from Zerebith. Before he left he had one more question: Why, in the seventeenth dimension, realm of gods, did they have a "death"? Sustin responded with this: "It's a pleasant place for a nap"
Sellers took a few moments to digest this. The calls earth had heard where made from space, while Caulk was on his way home, he new that it would be a few minutes for him, but it would be a few weeks earth time before he reached home. Sellers asked why then, where the calls obscure and hard to understand. "To bring a little chaos before the light, I hummed through a fan." Caulk responded. Sellers asked Caulk why he had chosen to show up at his home. "Dramatic effect, you're the first one I called, you're the first one to see my return. But see hear my friend, no one is to know what I have told you, in three days frogs will rain from the sky, and I will have predicted it tonight, I will be revered as god, and ill use my influence to change the world for the better." Sellers asked Caulk about all of life's little secrets. "Well after leaving death, the knowledge is retained, but it would be impossible to literally translate it."He smiled "Well, you talked to the creators,what did they say?" Sellers pushed. "Ehhh, I don't really remember, I was very drunk, I know we talked about it, but im not sure what who said, or what applies to this or that" He looked more amused. "So let me get this straight. You were dead, then woken up because one of the gods found you in their place of rest, they then got drunk and explained the secrets of life and the universe,then they agreed to send you back to earth with this information, and promised a rain of frogs, so that you could change earth as we know it?" Sellers asked "Well they were very drunk when they told me all of this, but im sure good ole Zerebith will come through with the frogs." He said. "It sounds like the almighty, the all encompassing, all powerful gods of the universe, are making this **** up as they go." Sellers said jokeingly. Phillip Caulk, the wisest man in human existence as of November twentieth, just smiled and winked. "Kinda' sounded more like you were humming through a vacuum cleaner over the phone." Was all Wynton Sellers, of Layerstown Pennsylvania, had to say.
Copyright 2008 cody brinkman |
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