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quotations from "the problem with thinking matter": The Doctrine of Phillip Caulk |
| Written by cody brinkman | |
| Sunday, 30 December 2007 | |
The Doctrine of Phillip Caulk 2 Cody Brinkman
On December fifth it rained frogs. Now the raining of frogs is not what you might think, it is not a thunderstorm where all the millions of droplets are replaced with amphibians. Then we would be positively swimming in frogs. But frogs fell from the sky. There was an estimated one hundred thousand that fell in London, and in Seattle there was an estimated three hundred thousand! Ok maybe they weren’t all frogs, some were toads, there was even a couple of lizards,but it’s not easy to make it rain frogs on a planets whose clouds only create various forms of water precipitation. But Zerebith tried his best, and the effect was all the same. On November twentieth earlier that year, Phillip Caulk returned from a mysterious fabric in space known as the “AD”. He returned claiming to be the only personalive that can claim to have met god. He did in fact meet gods, and he got wasted with them, but nobody believed him, they thought he was crazy when he said on December fifth it would rain frogs. Until it poured. Then everyone came running to Phillip Caulk. Oh great Phillip what can be done about the state of things on earth? Phillip,it was Krishna you met right, not that Jesus guy? How can we seek enlightenment, tell us what the gods want. And this is what Phillip Caulk told them to do, he lied his ass off: “Friends,there is nothing you can do to appease the gods except be true to yourself, be kind, be gentle, love one another. I tell you friends I have seen heaven and it is a glorious place, a place no man should ever have to leave. In heaven you are full and complete. But friends, abandon all of your tomfoolery, because you all got it wrong. At the base of it all, your religion got it pretty right, love,selflessness, charity, good will, and all that jazz. But the fact is you’ve all forgotten that, and your killing each other. The gods don’t want all the power,no! They are tired of seeing their creations kill each other over silly notions that they would speak to this group of people and not that. They spoke to all of us at one time in history, and it was the only time they did so. That was when all of these silly religions were started.” Said the doctrine of Caulk. “But they do this, and that’s wrong, and we do this and that’s right!” cried theconfused masses. Which was answered by: “Exactly! You see everybody is different. What I do with my life may be exactly what is going to get me into heaven, but if my neighbor does the same thing, he may be damned for it. It basically winds down to this, if your not happy with what you’re doing, that’s the gods telling you not to do that. Now I want to clarify one thing once and for all, and that is the punishment deemed for those who live false lives, those damned souls are forced to live again until they complete themselves, and that should scare you more than any lake of fire or five headed beasts. No go forth and spread the word!”
And they did. The new world religion took hold almost instantly, because they had the prophet right next to them. Racial barriers fell, religious barriers fell,philosophical differences ceased to exist. None of it mattered now that people could live how they wanted. Yes it was a time of warm fuzzy feelings, for everyone but Wynton Sellers. Wynton Sellers was the only person that Phillip Caulk had told the truth. The truth was that life was pretty much a science project preformed by a bunch of bored people in the seventeenth dimension. Sellers knew that Phillip Caulk was making it all up as he goes, that the raining of frogs had been a favor promised to Caulk while the gods were drunk. Sellers couldn’t say he was happy or sad about this news. At least, for once, the entire earth looked like it would get along.Well almost everyone. Samuel P. Olwells couldn’t accept it. He clutched to his bible through the whole ordeal. He taught his family that old Phillip Caulk was indeed the anti-Christ,and that when the devil came from hell to gobble up all the sinners, they alone would be waiting for Jesus to roll up in his candy paint Cadillac. He didn’t know what a terrible seed he was planting in his little son Patrick’s head. But that is all a story for another time. For now earth was a nice place to live, and it’s people were very happy. What a joke! Copyright 2008 cody brinkman |
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