If I put my true thoughts down would anyone care to take the time to read? Is it something worth spending valuable time? Who wants to know?Maybe I thought I had interesting conclusions of aspects of life. Now I’m not so sure. My mind plays cruel games with my true feelings for people I say are important to me. Is my heart cold and dark as I perceive it to be? People who know me would say I’m a passive aggressive person. Little do they know that inside of this shell is a monster lurking about to wreck havoc over all that stand in the way of what I truly want. To be feared by arrogance and ignorance, respected for the simple fact of reprisal against those who would mock me. My whole life has been filled with thoughts in my mind of what I could have done and been. Has my life passed me by? Was I destined for greater things and someone else stepped into the role? I think I already know the answer to those questions but I am too afraid to hear the truth. I was and still am a person who watches the world goes by, instead of getting involved or pushing things to the limit. I just float, like driftwood until something stops me and then I have to take action. I feel like I get myself backed into a corner and then I have to react to life. Reactive and not proactive. Is there such a thing? Some things in life need to be dealt with touch and not fear. The people around me have no idea of what I am capable of, if they had an inkling they would crouch in fear. Some things are better left locked up inside. Sanity will prevail in this situation, because insanity is chaos. If the whole world was insane it would be in dire need of a cleansing to get rid of certain unethical practices. Heaven and Hell will prevail one day to put to rest what people think the reason we are here. By then it really won’t matter. Too many opinions, not enough strength to see them thru. I think I need to start being apart of life and not just living in it. Risk has always been just a word to me and not a way of life. Will I look back and be able to say I did what I wanted or that I was just here. People everyday make their mark in this world one way or another, why not someone like me. I need to do all the things that would make me complete person on the inside. That’s the trouble with my mind and my soul; they have never been one with another. Two separate entities on a collision course and will I be able to survive the outcome. Thoughts playing over and over inside like a song that you cant get rid of or don’t want to because it says something to you like a whisper in a dream. Was that real or am I losing a grasp of reality, or do I chose not to live in it and accept myself for who I am and what I think I should be.Another day and my feelings toward the people around me has not changed. These confrontations swirling like a plaque I cannot overcome. Have I already gone too far? Is there anything left inside of me that is potentially good, or have I crossed that threshold to a fate worse than death. Hate can consume a person,a nation, a world. Is there a glimmer of hope fro any of us including myself? As I look out into the atmosphere all I see are cynical views and predictions. Who are they to say how things will be for us, you and me? Do I want a fairy tale or arealistic outlook on the upcoming events that will shape my future on this planet. To think of how naive I have become. That all people are in errantly good to one another is an understatement at best. I feel as if I ramble from one thought to another and I can’t control the process going on inside my brain. The only thing I know that I can keep under siege is my willingness not to hurt people around me for fear of what could get taken away. If life can make a person like me so intent on destroying everything I’ve tried to reinvent then I can only imagine the mind of a weaker person being tormented. I saw a pink and purple horizon this morning with the full moon cradled in the middle like a child being held so close. I realized that if I can keep pushing forward and making amends for the thoughts that I have that maybe God will forgive me and one day enlighten me on a purpose. Not that everday I wait to see what will happen next but as a storyline unfolds pieces take shape and visualization occurs whether you like it or not. For me to be interesting or brash is a better way to walk thru life than to go completely unnoticed. Have I been a person of moral convictions or just a skeleton of emotions,thoughts and reprehensible decisions. People now whom I’ve known in another time and place tell me I’ve acquired success and status to a certain extent. Who am I to kill their dream of the reality they have created for me when I have already come to the realize that I’ve been hiding behind a façade for the better part of my whole life. Hoping that no one will call my bluff and reach out to snatch what I call a pathetic existence for a human being. Like an ant in the mound all I do is run around in circles playing the same song over and over to help me ease my self inflicted pain and suffering. Will it ever be enough for the those who foreseen me as a failure and now look in my eyes and say to themselves it was a long road to get here for a chronic perpetuator of loss. That is was not a mistake for what I went thru all those years ago, a test maybe to see the human spirit come to life to see it fly or curl up and die. So many have let the things that surrounded them consume their very fiber of sanity to take control and lead a path of darkness straight toward them for the nothingness to swallow their hope,happiness and well being. I always have thought that a simple gesture of kindness or hate could destroy the will of any person. I have fought with that for what seems like an eternity. Some beginnings start with all the signs of love,caring and hope. Then as the time rolls by like a continuous clock that never rests things change and with one swift executing blow the outlook has been altered forever. As my mind races like a speeding vehicle out of control, the only thing that can stop it is my willingness to wake up and press on to get to another series of moments in my life. I have visions from another place in time where I thought I was feeling something undescribeable,something I would never feel again. Is this just another conjured thought process to mask the reality of loneliness and despair. I would hope it to be more than just an empty dark hole I have created for my mind to escape to. Lashing out at life could be the only subtle stage left to create. Don’t let me escape outside of my mind; it could be devastating for all those within my reach. Please stop me. My fifteen minutes of fame are up.A Love Song for AllPERP
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