That’s it!  Fists tightened, teeth grinding, brow furrowed, mind racing to determine my next biting comment.  Maybe I could say something about her lack of friends, or lack of education.  How well do I know her?  What are her deepest secrets?  What can I say that would rip her heart out, the way that she’s ripped out mine?  I’m sure it would only fall on deaf ears.  The only thing that twinges at the fringe of red taking over my mind is the twisting nausea of sadness.  The void that opens in the pit of my stomach at my loss.  What a sick turmoil that must exist in the chemical disruption in my brain.  I can’t regain my composure.  I am trying to be bigger than it, but no hero that has ever existed could withstand the depth of this torture.  There is no way to stay sane.  I can’t imagine how anyone could possibly stand it.  How do people get on with their lives, how do they redefine themselves.  To go from a self-sacrificing participant in God’s intended union to a lonely, wandering piece struggling to once again be whole.  I can barely think over the sounds of my pitiful sobs.  I’m being too dramatic. Who’s to say that God intended for us to be together?  Surely all these other women that exist aren’t around only to tempt me.  Oh, but these women weren’t created when God was inspired by a beauty unknown to man.  With her he was showing off his abilities.  His talent amongst makers couldn’t be greater across any depth of any universe.  Those beautiful full lips, the long, dark, thick, mahogany brown hair, falling just along her perfect pale skin, framing her angelic face.  It hurts so bad.  If I could only calm my mind.  If I could only stop thinking.  Why are things so much clearer now?  I guess without the distractions of heated arguments, or debates over nothing things become clear.  Or maybe it’s the old cliche of wanting what you can’t possibly have.  I hate her so much for hurting me, but I hate myself more for not being a better husband when I was with her.  I hate myself for still loving her, and being tortured by this loss.  I wish she was still in love with me.  How could she do this to me?  How can you be married for 10 years and then say I don’t love you anymore?  How does that happen?  I need to stay rational, but love is outside the scope of rational thought.  It’s raw, primal, and forces illogical steps toward doomed ends.  Yes I am being cynical.  Maybe I am a bit too cynical, but let’s wake up and look around.  How many marriages actually work?  Clearly the institution of marriage is just a romantic ideal that’s been shoved out of proportion by religion.  But maybe she does still love me, but I’ll never know.  She said I never want to be with you again. I know I am partially at fault, but surely she is mostly to blame.  I am hung up on things that don’t even matter.  Just leaving when I was more then willing to go to counseling shows her lack of commitment.  And of course the end result proves how selfish and unthoughtful she was, and yet that doesn’t begin to make me feel better.  Stop thinking!  Stop thinking!  Stop THINKING!!  My face is so numb.  My voice is hoarse.  I have no reasons left!  She is perfect and I will never ever find someone like her.  How can someone look so perfect?  How can someone look so absolutely exquisitely at peace, when she was so clearly maniacally insane.  How could someone who I loved so much, and that means more to me then anyone, or anything leave me in this cold world without even leaving a note?