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Happy F----ing Holidays |
| Written by J. J. White | |
| Sunday, 23 December 2007 | |
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This time of the year, did you ever feel like that kid on the episode of the Twilight Zone who’s lost in a fog behind the wall in his bedroom? You know, he can’t see anything but he can hear his parents calling to him and his old man is sticking his arm through a time-continuum black hole or something and trying to reach him? Wouldn’t it be nice to grab all your visiting relatives and yank them through the hole and leave them there while you jumped out because you secretly tied a string to the door knob, or something? You know you would, especially if you’ve been through years of therapy and bite your nails. And speaking of TV, do you ever feel like that big chicken on the Family Guy and just want to grab a turkey leg from the holiday feast and beat the crap out of Uncle Paul if he tells one more anecdote about his wiener, and how much trouble he has peeing after three beers? You bet your ass, you do! I guess I should calm down. I think it’s all the pressure from the job. All day long it’s just “Listen to my problems” and “I think I’m having a heart attack” or “ My arm is cut off at the elbow and I’m bleeding to death” Wahh! Wahh! Wahh! That’s all you hear, all damn day. Oh… by the way, I forgot to tell you, I’m a paramedic. But still it gets old after a while. “My wife is at the bottom of the pool and I think she’s dead.” Well no **** Sherlock, you ought to try it some time. What about me? Do they ever ask how I’m doing, or how my sex life is, or was the Italian sub at Quiznos good on my lunch break, JJ? Noooo!!! They could care less. And Christmas cards, oh man, don’t get me started. I sent cards out this year; they had cute little Santas on them and said “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Love JJ and Pam” And I wrote a little note that said “ Please send me a card in return with a picture of your whole family and a two-page printed note that tells me everything that happened to your stupid ass family this year , especially the part about your daughter getting knocked up and your son getting kicked out of college so that I can take the note, drive to Orlando International Airport, fly 5000 miles to your house and shove it up your ass!!! Whew. I guess I should settle down. It must be all the egg nog affecting my brain. Well anyway, Merry Christmas all you Storiesville.com readers, and if your reading this during the holidays, you’re a loser and you have no life. And have a Happy New Year, too. Love, JJ Copyright 2007 J. J. White |
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