I would like the opportunity to let everyone know that next season will be Family Guy's last. And, I did not have a threesome with Lois and Peter!

Okay, here's what happened:

It all started about two years ago when Meg and I became friends. We met while I was shopping in Quahog, where I found 36 in. long "dragon's blood" incense sticks on sale and went into a seizure. My love for sales allowed me to overcome the seizure and fight my way to the cashier. Somewhat resembling a zombie as I walked. Ironically, I ran into Meg during this fit and we began to carry on a wonderful conversation of handbags and terrific clothes. She also told me that she's thinking of finding a new job because she's tired of "dressing down" for the show. Alarmed at the contemplation, I urged her to rethink her decision.

Being an amazing negotiator, I talked her out of the decision by agreeing to clean her room weekly and courting her to the movies on a regular basis (dressing like a man when doing so). The more we got to know each other, the more I got to know her family.

Now, get ready for the part of the story that really counts.....here it goes.

I began eating dinner with her family, it then progressed to babysitting Stewie. Eventually, Peter and I would have "alone-time" while the family was away. It started out as friendly conversations, then transformed into passionate lovemaking.

I tried to stop this madness by reminding myself that he is nothing but a fat, obnoxious cartoon character. My mom would also tell me how upset my dad would be if he caught me googling over a cartoon. She would also say, "We all know cartoon characters only date fat white women with cellulite and food stamps. But no matter what, nothing would convince me to ignore my undying love.

One night after work, I went over to Peter's while Lois and the kids were shooting a Burger King commercial. We watched a few episodes of scrubs, cuddled, made love, and then headed upstairs for a back shaving.

About five minutes after he lathered me up and I stood topless in the bathroom, we heard the door open downstairs. I then stood motionless with fear.

Lois, immediately yelled for Peter because he wasn't watching TV as usual. After no answer, she climbed the stairs and my heart sunk at each step.

Peter suggested that I stand behind him so his body would hide mine. She walked in and discovered Peter naked. She immediately started investigating. But, Peter saved himself by saying, "Lois, I knew you were coming home and planned to be naked when you came upstairs. I love you".

She fell for it and quickly got naked. As they got their groove on right in front of me, I grabbed my stuff and left unnoticed.

But little did I know, the paparazzi caught photos of us all unclothed, in the same room. They've written a story incenuating we all had a threesome, inturn, ruining our reputations. It will hit the papers tomorrow morning and the world will be chaos!

I informed Peter that the paparazzi were going to ruin him if he didn't come clean with Lois. He didn't hesitate to suggest we take off together, but I declined. He said that Lois deserved better than him anyway and he was going to, and I quote "...hit the road, Jack".

I'm upset with his decision, but who knows, he may be happier. Wherever he is, he will always be in my heart and thoughts.

As for Lois, I will tell her the truth and face my problems head on. My friend, Adolf Loos, once said, "Be Truthful, Nature only sides with Truth". How can you argue with that?