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Sant-e-Claus |
| Written by Keith Ackermann | |
| Thursday, 22 November 2007 | |
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Share it:      Mary was appalled the first time she saw the advertisements for Santa Server two years ago.
In this day and age, why do you lie to your children? Flying reindeer? Elves that mass-produce brand-name toys? With the receding polar ice, soon you will have Santa living underwater.
Let us be the embodiment of Santa Claus for your children. We have the marketing data, and may know more about your child's interests that anyone except you. You set the budget and leave the rest to us. On Christmas morning your child's in-box will be filled with e-gift certificates from among the millions of gifts in our databases. You will share in your child's surprise and joy as you open each e-mail and choose to accept or even exchange the gift for another to be delivered to your home…
It made a certain amount of sense, but the idea of tradition lost is what appalled her. No, that wasn't right; tradition abandoned was more accurate.
She wasn't the only one either. Not everything ran smoothly for Santa Server that first year, and the media was quick to pounce all over some of the high profile mistakes. There were numerous accounts of children being abandoned by Santa on Christmas morning as their toys were swept away by spam filters, and there was even a case where Santa Server was sued because a victim of a spam filter believed his parents to be too poor to afford gifts for him. Mary guessed that was probably the least of that boy's problems.
Then there were the horror stories of crossed marketing info where children were receiving pornography and offers of wild sex for Christmas. Mary suspected not all of those problems were reported and that many parents became more careful with their browsing habits.
Santa Server spent a small fortune assuring parents that those kinds of problems were isolated and could never happen again. Through the miracle of money, they bought themselves favorable coverage for last year's holiday and managed to spin their service as the norm.
Her son had asked questions last year; questions no doubt planted by Santa Server. "Mom, how did Santa get through the layers of security into our house? The biometric locks will only open for us." I stayed up and let him in dear. "Nuh uh. I looked at the security tapes…"
OK, so the company had a point. But just in case, they launched the most distasteful marketing campaign ever conceived; this time not limited to print but aimed directly at children through a new "classic" animated Christmas special called "Santa's Last Sleigh Ride." It told a dramatic tale of Santa rescuing the last of the Polar bears and seals off the tiny piece of ice that supported the famous "North Pole" pole. Santa shouldered part of the blame himself for the receding ice and vowed to reduce his carbon footprint by e-mailing toys to the good girls and boys from now on. It never did explain how a reindeer-powered sleigh was a major contributor to greenhouse gasses but it was sufficiently easy to pass along just enough guilt to make him a hero with his awakening. Mary thought they missed a great marketing opportunity by not putting him on some sort of anti-depressant as well.
So that one dumb cartoon pretty much cinched it for her and everybody else who had a child that watched the special. She and her son, Tommy, had been leaving cookies of a different sort for Santa all year inside their computers; it was time to make use of them.
Hello, this is Santa Server; how may I help you?
Um, yes; I'd like to… sign up for…
Yes. I see you are calling from 555-4734, are you Mary Greenfield?
Yes.
And I seeee… you have… one son, aged 7, who's name is Thomas.
Tommy. His name is…
Yes! Tommy. Thank you, that is important.
This is my first time…
Oh, yes Ms. Greenfield. We see that. Let us take a moment and get some more personal information that helps us to deliver a most authentic and personal experience for the recipients of your gifts. Ms. Greenfield, we see that you are not married, but are you still dating a Mr. Richard Evans?
No! I don't see where that's any…
Ms. Greenfield, please. We just want to know who to list as the givers of the gifts you purchase. Santa, obviously; but maybe you would like to list yourself on some of them…
Doesn't that kind of detract from what you are all about? I can buy my son gifts from me…
Well, you got us there. Some of this info serves at a cross-purpose. Are you near your computer Ms. Greenfield?
Yes.
Good. Please check your email now. We have sent you some mail with a link that you are to click on. This will allow us to perform a very limited scan of your computer to ensure the correct delivery of our services and to narrow the list of appropriate catalogs from which we will select the gifts. I see that you have not clicked on the link yet; would you please do so now?
Yes. I have to tell you, this whole thing is making me rather uncomfortab…
OK! While it is scanning, let me tell you about some of the popular services we offer. As you probably know, we don't perform any price markups on the gifts. We charge a simple flat rate percentage of 10 percent on whatever amount you choose to spend on your gifts. Because this is your first time with us, we will allow you to add as many recipients as you wish for free. Usually, people take advantage of this by being nice to themselves. Would you like to be nice to yourself this Christmas Ms. Greenfield?
Well, yes. I mean…
Well sure you do! You can literally surprise yourself this year. Why not treat yourself to 10 or 15 thousand dollars of long deserved..
What? What makes you think I have that kind of mon…
Ms. Greenfield, come on now. We have your financial info right here. You are in the top eight percent earning range… as a doctor such as yourself should be. Most people spend about 2.2 percent of their income during Christmas but that does not include themselves. We are trying to change that and let you be nice to you for a change. Since you are currently not dating, that leaves more of your budget for your son. He will be a lucky lad with $5000 dollars for Christmas.
You people are out of your…
Oh! I see your info is coming in now…
What makes you think I'm not dating…
Ms. Greenfield, I am so sorry. That was very forward of me. That did not represent the opinion of the company at all. That was my own carelessness. Ms. Greenfield, are you bisexual?
What?!
Well, we are showing a small amount of lesbian-oriented pornographic viewing as having taken place on your computer. Could that have been Mr. Richard Evans?
I… I don't know.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Ms. Greenfield.
Ms. Greenfield?
Ms. Greenfield? You have to understand; we are simply ensuring the best service possible. You have to spend the appropriate amount of money on gifts this holiday; why not spend it through the best provider of gift services? We can only be as good as the information we have. We see that your mother is recovering from a double-mastectomy; would you like us to consider this in selecting her gift from you this year?
Ms. Greenfield?
Ms. Greenfield, deleting our email has no effect. You have already clicked on the link. We see you are about to receive a phone call from one of our competitors; let me tell you what they will do with your information…
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| Last Updated ( Sunday, 04 May 2008 ) |
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