Diary of a Fat Girl January 1st: It’s another new year. The... The Spiders and Johnny Bailes The greenfly were the first to vanish, and the...

Report a comment Thank you for taking the time to report the following comment to the administrator of this site. Please complete this short form and click the submit button to process your report. Name   E-mail   Reason for reporting comment       Comment in question Posted by Egoist 03-08-2008 20:31,   ... As "Pez" said, the monotonous voice is probably the strongest on-page presence and I could use more of it.    For me, it comes off as everything but powerful. It comes off as trying to me, with the exception of the ending line, which was a very strong closing and really ties your voice strongly with the rest of the piece.    As I say in almost every comment I give, "Show, don't tell" the old cliche, i know.   "I felt as though my attitude was only curious".    Thanks for TELLING me, right before you use an entire paragraph as a tool to SHOW me that he's simply curious, not suicidal.     I don't particularly like the grade A student line, it comes off as obnoxious and troubling to me.    Use dialogue how it should be used. Split it up into it's own lines, especially in a story like this where tension is the hook.  If I had to give a few general hints to round this story off-  1) Learn how to use dialogue.  2) Your voice needs to be either gone from the piece, or balls deep in.   » Report this comment to administrator   »  Go back to the story