Awakening of Minds (Part One)

So there I was, looking once more at the device on the...

From Stagnant Water

The rain had finally stopped. After two days of...
Crimefighter (eternalsunshine) Profile Page
Crimefighter (eternalsunshine)
Hits 783
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Member Since 06/05/2007
Last Online 09/02/2008
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About Myself: You wish you could play
The violin
So I take up the cello.
Its heavy.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Aug 29, 2008freedom floatsMiscellaneous Stories 90
Aug 26, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 7Miscellaneous Stories 40
Aug 22, 2008the opposite of loveMiscellaneous Stories 83
Aug 13, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 6Miscellaneous Stories 53
Aug 6, 2008imageMiscellaneous Stories 299
Jul 28, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 5Miscellaneous Stories 69
Jul 25, 2008my swimMiscellaneous Stories 136
Jul 24, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 4Miscellaneous Stories 96
Jul 14, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 3Miscellaneous Stories 86
Jul 11, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 108
Jul 10, 2008THIS MODERN LOVE, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 144
Jul 9, 2008a friend to zombiesHumor 159
Jul 7, 2008sisterPoetry 120
Jul 2, 2008sugarMiscellaneous Stories 203

Comments

Total number of comments: 69

Title article: A Toothy Tale
Date: 2008-08-29 12:58:46

I thought this was a very intelligent and clever story. You speak of them almost like they are people you know of and observe from afar. I also like how you ended the story so ambiguous, and the description of each person in regards to their relationship was very real & recognizable. And I loved this line: 
 
"There's nothing wrong with the tooth," she observed, "you're merely after my blood." 
 
Very smart & attention-grabbing.

Title article: Hoping The Sun Doesn't Rise
Date: 2008-08-29 12:46:58

This is interesting, because originally I thought I was reading from a guy's perspective. The language you use is very vivid.  
I thought a few lines could have words removed, to make it flow better: 
All that time I spent with you was in vain 
Even now you're a slut, you still haven't changed 
 
Still playing the same tiring games 
Selling your broken-in body to ease your fake pain 
 
I'm wondering if the sex makes you feel like you're safe 
Where daddy is there, healing the cuts that you make 
 
But I guess it's too late, we all lose our ways 
Forever you will be fucked again in your cage 
 
But you aren't even the problem anymore 
It's all this hurt that has washed ashore 
 
I don't know what to do with all the torment I hold 
I always receive nothing, but do what I'm told 
 
And is this as good as it gets, 
Living this life with so many regrets? 
 
Also reading through, the stanzas don't seem connected. Like the ocean reference "washed ashore" comes out of nowhere and is never mentioned again.

Title article: Passion
Date: 2008-08-13 08:05:10

I thought this was pretty good, I thought it was going to be all romance and lovey but then there came the orgasms! :) 
 
My favorite part is when the guy is describing her, how he fell in love with her. It felt very real and sweet. The only thing I thought was a little awkward... 
"She had the kind of emotions that made you want to spank her and hold her tight all in the same breath." 
 
Spank her? Like in a sexual way or as punishment or as what? I don't understand how someone's emotions can make you want to spank her...maybe you mean slap her?

Title article: bottled UP
Date: 2008-08-13 07:56:22

This has good rhymes and an interesting format. If you really wanted to play with it, I would love to see something drawn up/with illustration around the words. 
 
The first lines were good (what drew me in), but I liked this part best: 
 
" I needed to  
b r e a K D O W N and cry, 
Because a part of me 
felt like I would die. 
I kept it 
bottled up  
for too long, 
Thinking to myself 
That I was STRONG. "

Title article: image
Date: 2008-08-08 12:15:39

okay. 
 
i don't usually like to explain my stories because a good writer shouldn't have to explain, it should just be there. 
 
but i was trying to explore the role that self image has in someone's life. the conversation isn't all that important, its just 2 girls trying to prove how original they can be.  
one tries to be the prettiest, most colorful one (to the point of ridiculous) in order to be "different." the other omits color from her self completely, also becoming noticeable. 
 
its about becoming that image so whole heartedly that you forget what is you and what is the image you want people to see. 
 
so i guess i want to know..how could i better portray this?

Title article: BUCK TEETH TWIN BROTHERS
Date: 2008-08-06 15:20:07

This could be very entertaining - the set up was promising but as soon as I saw "They considered the teeth their sheath," it went downhill. 
 
Rhyming every line in a stanza is hard and I think this would work better without that. Plus, the middle stanza is random and doesn't follow the same layout as the other two.  
 
Also, this makes no sense. They broke their teeth and then buried them? And why is the cute girl Elizabeth asking what lies beneath? This needs a more thought out story.

Title article: An Attempt to Understand
Date: 2008-08-06 14:52:17

This was good - read very well as a breakup song, very bitter, very sad. My favorite lines are:  
"Your legs spread like cancer, 
The boys love your disease, 
Are you unaware of how it's been killing me?" 
 
The whole thing works very well together.

Title article: Environmentally Friendly.
Date: 2008-08-05 15:16:11

I liked this. Some of the wording felt a little odd, but I'm a smoker myself who is completely ticked off at the treatment of smokers. If america is a free country then give me my menthol cigarettes and leave me the fuck alone!! :) 
 
However, like I said some of the wording was...strange. 
 
"If he'd talked to a black that way, he would find himself done." 
 
Is this saying that blacks are more defensive of their habit? They're tougher? I don't understand. 
 
"I go down to the front door to say hello to folk." 
 
I know you're trying to rhyme, but it should be folks...maybe you could say 
 
"I go down to the front door, pass the machine of Coke."  
 
haha...on second thought, don't say that.

Title article: Butterflys Are Beautiful
Date: 2008-08-05 14:56:44

This was written extremely well. The story was interesting and flowed well; the relationships between characters were explained well. 
The only thing that I sort of tripped over was the part in the middle when he leaves the office and it cuts to him going into the office again. Maybe you could include a little thing at the beginning of the second half with him waiting/his thoughts. It would allow you to divulge more plot and would set it up without confusing anyone...like me! :)

Title article: Racism has a Color
Date: 2008-08-05 14:41:10

The rhymes in this were good. This flowed well, was laid out well. To be honest, it didn't stand out to me as anything interesting or exciting. I think the writing is good technically but doesn't say anything new. This is a good stanza though: 
 
Ripped slowly away 
By a world ever cruel 
To judge and be judged 
Is societies rule  
 
Also, I know what you mean, but I found it funny that you say "One day black and white won't be colors at all." Because technically...they're not colors. :)

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Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

trapped in a gutter of flames
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:52:14
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:52:30
you're a crimefighter, eh? well i'm a super villain! prepared to fight the crime i create? well, you got another thing coming to ya! punch punch, kick kick. laser eye in your face!

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