Sherman

Here's a story that I wrote for my daughter. She...

An unexpected gift, Chapter 1

(Author's note: It's the first chapter to an attempt...
J. J. White (whitj310) Profile Page
J. J. White (whitj310)
Hits 3015
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 05/25/2007
Last Online 01/07/2009
Connections 2
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Website/Blog: www.jjwhite.org
About Myself: I'm a new writer from Florida. I've finished two novels, "Earned Inheritance" and "The Lesbian Murders." I've written 40 short stories.
Surf (in ocean not computer) tennis, golf. Love writing.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Aug 10, 2007Chicken Eating SpidersHorror 2052
May 25, 2007The VialAdventure 1054
Sep 18, 2007Frog head biting CoachMiscellaneous Stories 947
Oct 14, 2007She’ll Be the Death of HimHorror 902
Jun 24, 2007BriareusMystery 852
Sep 10, 2007Lost Twilight Zone Episode …WishScience Fiction 848
Nov 17, 2007The Bethlehem BiblesMiscellaneous Stories 748
Oct 23, 2007The Chinese UndertakerHorror 709
Sep 28, 2007Double DragonsHorror 605
Dec 23, 2007Happy F----ing HolidaysHumor 524
Jan 11, 2008Space AssassinScience Fiction 498
Jan 28, 2008Dead Puppies in a PillowcaseHorror 459
Nov 6, 2007SandcastleMiscellaneous Stories 447
Feb 29, 2008Topic 2 tooMystery 388
Feb 19, 2008Larry topic 14?Humor 368
Jan 1, 200810-12-06Adventure 367
Apr 29, 2008New Writing Prompt #5- KaleidoscopeHorror 232
Mar 10, 2008The Prodigious WriterMiscellaneous Stories 224
Apr 8, 2008Writing Prompt "The Gambler and the Bum"Miscellaneous Stories 216
Mar 24, 2008Kat's Simple ThingsPoetry 202
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 26

Title article: Writing Prompt "The Gambler and the Bum"
Date: 2008-12-28 16:15:41

Thank you Eliot. I'm not sure how to use that private message thing, but thanks for the nice comment 
JJ

Title article: Tumbleweeds, Devil's Claw, and Thistles
Date: 2008-12-26 20:25:51
Mighty Fine
I reread the poem without the slang and I think it read better. But excellent as is. Reminds me of Zane Grey and Louis La Mour.(sic) 
JJ

Title article: HOLY SATURDAY.
Date: 2008-10-30 09:30:49
poetic
I like the way you've written the segment to force the reader to think. I haven't read the prequel, but I will. Without knowing the story. I feel like it's a period piece, maybe the 1950's but I'm unsure. Different than you're previous work, more poetic. Saturdays for me at the church was only Catechism and confession-- not the best memories. 
JJ White

Title article: THE BALLAD OF MARY JEAN JACKSON
Date: 2008-10-27 16:08:32
Well Crafted
I can almost hear the song playing. 
It seems to work best in my head in 3/4 time with acoustic guitar or light piano.  
As a poem, you'd have a hard time with it in contests, since you use rhyme and meter, but as lyrics they're as good as any well written song. 
Nice work. 
JJ White

Title article: Damn Ostriches
Date: 2008-05-31 08:00:29
Tut Tut
I suggest you check between you legs and make sure they're still there. The only thing you didn't do was scream like a girl.  
Seriously, you told a great tale. Some of the best non-fiction I've read. four stars and two snaps.

Title article: New Topic # 5
Date: 2008-05-05 15:00:56
Ninja Cupcake World
I almost shit when you said his ordinary world was that of a ninja. The world's greatest oxymoron, like James Bond agonizing over his menial job. Good writing, sometimes too much passive voice , but otherwise fantastic. 
JJ

Title article: Alternative Gaye Calling
Date: 2008-04-10 19:15:43
Alternative Gaye Calling
Man, Marvin's rolling in his grave. You didn't mention he was stoned at the time but I'm willing to bet it happened just like that. Fantastic writing, good pace. Nice to read good writing. A + 
JJ

Title article: The Country Way
Date: 2008-03-13 13:35:29
Country Way
Alison, 
Watch your grammar, especially comma use before 'but'. 
You use a lot of 'ings' for presnt tense. 
Good plot and content. 
JJ

Title article: Unfortunatley Unlucky ~ Part One~
Date: 2008-03-08 16:20:32
See, nobody's perfect
I said your talented. I meant you're talented. I shall whip myself 100 lashes. 
JJ

Title article: Unfortunatley Unlucky ~ Part One~
Date: 2008-03-08 16:16:16
Good
Some comments Jo, 
I found it's tough to get comments on short story sites for chapters in a novel. The reason for that is when someone hasn't read previous chapters they lose interest. Having said that don't get discouraged. By forcing yourself to write the chapters in order to post, you gain valuable writing experience which ultimately is what sells your manuscript. I've written two 85,000 word novels doing just that. The hard part comes after you've written the first draft. The story is interesting and I can see it's going to keep the reader wanting more. 
Instead of "Ruby was sitting" try to write with action verbs like "Ruby sat" It makes it easier on the reader. Also you have too much description after taglines. It's better to say, Ruby said or said Ruby then to say Ruby said, as she grabbed a widget or whatever. I thought you introduced too many characters. Pick one character and dwell on them and their POV. Keep on keeping on. Your talented. 
JJ

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Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
06/23/2008 14:38:49Re:What Happened to Storiesville?Off-Topic8724
04/29/2008 16:32:20Re:New Topic # 5...i thinkOff-Topic2611
04/20/2008 15:58:51Re:Any writers from Vermont?Off-Topic282
03/06/2008 19:25:43Re:The 13th.Off-Topic9578
03/05/2008 09:24:01Re:The 13th.Off-Topic9578
02/29/2008 22:37:45Re:TOPIC 2Off-Topic3150
02/20/2008 01:03:21Re:Write A Quick One!Off-Topic1090

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